Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a lifejacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted".



My wife slipped over in the bathroom last night and knocked herself out. As she lay there on the floor naked, p***y glinting in the light I thought ''this is my chance'' so I went to the pub

I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Roadshow, and they told me it was 'absolutely priceless'.

Well, I got 4 quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend. Who's laughing now?

You are a card aren't you

So, bloke goes to the pub the other day and says "can I please have a bint of pitter and a lalf of hager?"

Landlord says "Don't you mean pint of bitter and half of lager?"

Bloke says "yes, I'm sorry. I tend to get my words mixed up sometimes"

Landlord says "yes, I know what you mean. only this morning I was coming downstairs and I meant to ask the wife if she fancied some breakfast, however I ended up saying "you've ruined my life you ugly fat biitch"

I took summat to The Antiques Roadshow once.

I says to the expert "I recently moved into a large old terraced property, and I found this in my loft, and was wondering if you could let me know how much it's worth?"

"F*ck off!!" says he "and stop wasting my time!"

"...but I think it might be victorian." says I

"It's your cold water tank - Now F*ck Off!!!"

Why did fans avoid the front row seats at this years Snooker Championships? The queues were too long.

I remember when I was little, lying down with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and went.

What do Arsenal and Batman have in common? They just don't work without Robin.

So, Kim Jong Il has died. For those stupid people who don't keep up with current affairs, she was the leader of North Korea.

Grab your taco love, you've just pulled a dyslexic Mexican.

Kim Jong-Il’s family bought him a dog for Christmas. Now they’ll have to eat it without him.

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!

I went to Ann Summers at the White Rose today and bought my other half some crotchless knickers.

Did i feel horny? No, i just thought she needed a better grip on her broomstick.

I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants - Feefiphobia

Sitting on a Train the other day and on gets a Beautifull thai Bird!!
I Gaze across in Amazement and say to myself Please dont get an Erection,Please dont get an Erection!!
And Guess what,
She bloody did..

I went to Ann Summers and splashed out on some new lingerie.
Barstewards made me pay for it!

How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the G.

Glad Facebook reminded me that it's Jesus' Birthday today - with all this Christmas stuff going on, I'd completely forgotten.

Who?

Obama's Mexican gardener...

An old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down from the hotel room with teary eyes and a pained expression on her face.

"What's the matter, dear?" asks the receptionist at the hotel front desk.

"Well", sobbed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, but I assumed he meant his money".

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, no expense spared, it was marvellous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there ?"

The Spaniard replied; "No."

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.


The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"Oh, I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, hugged and kissed me.
That night we had the most amazing sex ever..........
Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before.

I'll be using those