Being told that they had discovered a cure for dyslexia was like music to my ar$e.

[uA couple a Yorkshire gags[/u

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides
to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

Yorkshireman goes to the doctors as his 'rear-end' is giving him trouble!
The doctor examines him and says:
"It would appear you are suffering from piles. Now I could prescribe something for you, but as I know you are - how shall I put this? - a fan of a bargain, I'd say you'd be better off just asking the chemist for an 'over the counter' remedy.....there are a number of ointments available that will ease your troubles!"

The chap nips across the road to the chemist.

"Ey up lad - as tha got any ar[is[/ie cream?"

"We have Sir" came the reply "You'll find them in that cabinet on you left - we've got Magnums, Cornettos, screwballs........."

A Yorkshireman' s wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should only contain her name, the dates of her birth and death, and the simple epitaph "Lord, she were thine" engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look. When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "Lord, she were thin."
"You bluddy fool - you've left the 'e' out!!"
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified immediately, and, by way of an apology, they shall install the headstone at his late wife's grave at no extra charge.
A few days later the stonemason phones to say the stone is now corrected, and has been installed. The Yorkshireman hot-foots it over to the cemetary to take a look. He finds the plot, and gazes upon the headstone.....which now reads "E Lord, she were thin".

Blonde text's her husband one winter morning 'windows frozen, will not open'

Husband text's back 'pour some luke warm water over it'

10 minutes later blonde text's back 'think the computer is really f@cked now"

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for £100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for £1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for £10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, £10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"

Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in our family."

Doctor: "No, the problem is that no-one runs in your family."

Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.

Took a bird home last night with Eczema, she had a cracking pair of t!ts.

Three little ducks go into a Bar......

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'

[size=200TWELVE TV GAFFS[/size

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have toleave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

Oh and No13 by cricketing legend John Arlett

" The bowlers Holding, the batsmans Willey "

It's been on here before, but search the tube for long stabby thing.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the lads. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the amber nectar went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit pi$$ed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals twelve cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 'MIDNIGHT'. She didn't seem annoyed in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Why did the scarecrow win the top award?

Because he was the best in his field.




A murderer and a woman are walking through the woods. She stops and says 'Its dark, I'm scared', to which he replies 'Your scared? I've got to find my way back on my own'.

Was that off a lolly stick?

Nah, the lolly stick company rejected it

Testicle Therapy.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately went to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

The BBC have just announced that they are not going to show the full funeral of Vidal Sasoon, but will show the highlights

had to go to a mates funeral this afternoon
he died when he was struck on the head with a tennis ball
it was a lovely service

I was browsing the local paper for the football scores. There were some interesting ones in the Musketeer League - all 4-1.....and one 4 all!!

A man went into a shoe shop and bought one boot and one trainer. The store clerk asked why. The man replied 'the weather forecasted one foot of snow'.

Little lad is shagging his sister, he says " you're better than me mam", the little girl replies, " I know, me dad said".

Those long winter evenings in Wigan, eh