Here are the top ten jokes in order from this years Edinburgh Festival.

The top 10 were judged to be:

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."



Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

Goldblatt Jnr (aged 7) LOVES Tim Vine (me too), and especially Flag Hippo (truly bazaar)

I, on the other hand, would rather spend 67 hours reading the fanzines of 4th division clubs in the Ethopian Table Tennis league, than listen to one "gag" by the "hilarious" Sarah Millican......Jeremy Paxman's funnier

+1 she is about as funny as catching leprosy and watching your knob fall off.

where are the jokes?

Quote ="matty wire 75"+1 she is about as funny as catching leprosy and watching your knob fall off.'" She's what Viz call a 'gigglebiscuit': www.urbandictionary.com/define.p ... %20Biscuit

Quote ="matty wire 75"+1 she is about as funny as catching leprosy and watching your knob fall off.'" She's what Viz call a 'gigglebiscuit': www.urbandictionary.com/define.p ... %20Biscuit

utter tosh..hardly ken dodd material

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison.
" This year I won't be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground, I know if you were here u would help me."
The son wrote: " Dad don't think of digging the ground because that's where I buried the guns "
Police reads the letter and the very next day, the whole ground was dug by police looking for guns but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again " Now plant your potatoes dad, it's the best I could do from here!

Doctor, doctor I feel like a cat.

How long have you felt like this?

Since I was a kitten.

What's orange and sounds like a Parrot? A carrot.

Number 7 is truly awful

bloke rings his wife from accident and emergency saying he chopped his finger off in an accident at work..oh my god she yells is it the whole finger..no he replies the one next to it...


woke up this morning with the ghost of gloria gaynor sat on my bed..at first i was afraid then i was petrified

I said to an Acrobat "do you have any Winter pepper ?"

he said "No"


"Summer Salt ...?"

A man from the fair was fired from the dodgems today.

It's not all bad for him though, I hear he's suing for funfair dismissal...

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

I didn't believe Mrs Goldblatt, when she said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees....then I saw her face!!!!

why did the baker have brown hands?

he kneeded a poo.

I asked the wife if she fancied a 68. 'Dont you mean a 69 ?' she replied. No, you go down on me and i'll owe you one.

I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.

"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.

"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.

"Salad tastes nice."

So sad the wife has been dead for a week!
The sex is the same
But the washing is pilling up.