My Geordie mate awoke from a 3 year coma last night. Being a die hard Magpies fan, one of the first things he asked was "How are Newcastle doing this season?" "They're top of the table" I told him, and watched his face light ...up and he jumped for joy........ "However, I probably should let you know there is a rather large "but" coming..."

You say this was a joke thread?

stevie wonder doing a concert when he asks for any requests..at the back of the arena a little japanese bloke shouts sing a jazz chord..so stevie does a 15 minute set in which he gets a standing ovation...the same japanese bloke shouts out no sing a jazz chord...listen you replies stevie if you can do any better get up here and you do it..so the little japanese bloke runs onto the stage picks up the mic and starts singing i jazz chord to say i ruv you

A primary school teacher in Killarney asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the Blarney Stone and I was fascinated. The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

how do you make a woman blind?????????


stick a steering wheel in front of her

i once went out with a girl with eczema she had cracking tits

First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a ."

The Man United fan who ran onto the pitch during the Manchester derby has been banned from football for three years......... Which isn't so bad, when you realise it's just one home game plus injury time.

After years of searching for him, America has finally offered $100,000,000 for Bin Laden......... Man City have offered $105,000,000

What's hit more balls than David Beckhams right foot? Jordan's chin.

If Derren Brown is so amazing, why doesn't he hypnotise us all so we don't think he is a c---.

zookeeper said to paddy,"The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider it for £500?" Paddy has a think "i will but on 3 conditions 1st i'm not kissng it 2nd my family never find out and 3rd you'll have to wait a couple of weeks to give me time to get the money together"

How do you get a fat bird into bed? Piece of cake.

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying on an Aer Lingus plane.
The son asked his mother,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the air hostess.
So the little lad walks up to the galley and asks the air hostess,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The air hostess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did...."
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Aer Lingus always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you."

There was a similar one about a female relative constantly sponging money off me, so I took her to the red light district, with the distinct orders of "£50 oral, £100 full sex, £150 anything kinky," only for her to knock on the car door ten minutes later asking for me to lend her another £30...

My dog does a summersalt every time Hull FC score a try.
Sometimes he does two summersalts if i kick him hard enough.

My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started

_________________________________________________________

News just in:
An extremely powerful hurricane has hit Bradford, West Yorkshire.
Police are saying it has caused millions of pounds worth of improvements.

Did you hear about the new supply of viagra on its way to Wigan? Its to help them get past a semi

In an attempt to make Wigan more cosmopolitan, the council set up an Urdu centre in the town.

Unfortunately, the locals went in and asked for short back and sides.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now the man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.
And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I 'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.
............................................................................................................

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife. "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict. He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong honey. I love you.

To which the wife responds. "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thought you were cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.
...........................................................................................................

After getting the Pope's entire luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," says the cop. The Chief exclaims, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," says the cop.

The Chief then asks, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," says the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think its God!"

Chief: "What makes you think its God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"
............................................................................................................

Michael and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Michael's mom and dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Little Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Little Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school!"
Little Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
"Are Michael and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school!"
After school, Little Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Michael and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue instead."