Guy gets in a hotel lift. Presses the button to go down and the lift says to him "Good morning you fat ugly git!"

He gets to the ground floor and presses the button to open the doors and the lift says to him "Go stuff yourself you bald headed boring gimp"

Guy goes to reception and says to the recepionist "Excuse me........I think your Lift's out of order!!"

James Lowes

Giving a Nobel Peace Prize to a man who leads a country involved in wars in Iraq AND Afghanistan is like giving Kate McCann the 'Mother of the Year' award.

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough,
as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong, or
smart enough to steal one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fixthe problem, but it was expensive. He told the scouser that a less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can,then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
"Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor".
So the scouser went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he
paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are captured by Red Indians. The Lone Ranger is buried up to his neck in the desert sand with only his head sticking out.

The Red Indian leader says to Ranger - "You have one last request before we kill you". Ranger calls Tonto over and whispers something in his ear. Tonto jumps on his horse and rides back into town.

30 minutes later Tonto returns with one of the prostitutes from the local brothel on the back of his horse. She walks over to The Lone Ranger, removes her knickers and sits on his face.

5 minutes later she climbs off and The Lone Ranger calls Tonto back over -
"Tonto, I said ride into town and come back with a possee............."

A cowboy rides into town on a friday

stays 3 nights

and rides back out on friday

how does he do it?

police have today identified and charged gareth gates over jordans rape.
sources close to the singer reckon it will take him twelve years to finish his sentence.
i'll get my coat.(i need to anyway i've a minibus to catch to old trafford)

His horse is called Friday

Leon Pryce tonight

well done

Didnt know steven gerrard was playing against sunderland, coz who was that balloon that scored the own goal?

Thats terrible

2 snowmen in a field, one turns to the other and says "do you smell carrots"

*EXCLUSIVE* First pic of Wayne Rooney's baby

I suddenly realised I was getting old last night when I was watching a porn movie and thinking ........wow that bed looks comfy!!

I went to a fancy dress on Saturday as a Postman; nobody was expecting to see one of them!!!


[size=75(apologies Lefty!!!)[/size

paddy finds out his wife his having an affair so he decides to kill himself and his wife...when she comes home from work he stands there with a gun to his head..his wife laughs and paddy says what you laughing at your next

Man says to his wife
If i won the lottery what would you do?
She replies "id take half and leave you"
Man replies well ive won a tenner
heres a fiver now fek off

what do you call a woman with two a#%eholes?


john and edwards mum!

rafael benitez is praying to the good lord about his team being on the verge of being booted out of the champions league and not doing to great in the domestic league..when he hears the good lord say do not worry my child come forth and i will save you...come forth we`ll be lucky to finish 8th

1) I was out on the park last night with the dog,
and i couldn't belive my eyes there it was, a Wigan RLFC season ticket nailed to a tree i quickly grabbed it and hurried home.

I mean you can never have to many nails.

2) Whats the difference between a Man U fan lying dead on the middle of the road and a dog lying dead in the middle of the road?
= Skid marks infront of the dog.

Wasnt that the old newcastle joke?

What do you get if you cross a firework and a dinosaur?

Dinomite

Michael Jackon's film has been rated PG. I see he still isn't trusted alone with children.