Well this is an interesting subject firstly because we don't know exactly what part of your foot is not healing so we'll start with your toes - if you are having problems with your toes and have reached the end of your tether with them then I always recommend a swift self-amputation* by means of slamming them in a door or standing too close to the edge of the pavement when a First Direct bus comes past, you won't be able to balance properly for a few days but as everyone knows a human's toes will re-grow in the same way that a starfish can re-grow a leg, if in any doubt then watch "Carry on Screaming" for confirmation, you even bear a resemblance to Oddbod so you've got a head start.

If however the problem is heel-related then can I recommend a Pifco Foot-Spa just like the one that we've had stored in our loft for twenty years having used it once when it was purchased and decided that it was simpler and cheaper to just sit on the kitchen worktop and dabble your feet in the sink, especially with the washing-up in the sink as swishing your feet around in the water tends to wash the dishes at the same time.

Having doused your feet liberally in the sink and done the washing up at the same time you will need to file down your heels, or "buffing" as women call it, I can recommend a No10 Stanley Rasp File, the one with the handles at both ends so you can get a really good grip, or alternatively try a Dewalt orbital sander set to "high speed" - the intention is to take off that tough heel skin which you will have softened in the sink with the washing up, press on quite hard with the orbital sander and you'll find good results especially if you have fitted the "very very co" sand sheets first.

I'm sure that after both of these suggestions you'll be walking just fine within weeks **


*RLFans are not responsible for any medical advice given out on these forums and neither is McLaren_Field

**Or alternatively, not.

I bought my wife a foot spa one Christmas. She used it once and flooded the lounge. then it took the usual route: garage, loft, dump. (sometimes items take the alternate route of loft, garage, dump, or loft, garage, charity shop, but usually if I can be bothered to get it out of the loft then the only reason is that it's going in landfill).

Damo, as for your foot, it would be less painfull for you to remove it with a blunt hatchet than to mention it on the Sin Bin again. I think I did actually try and defend you last time as the people giving you grief had all climbed on a horse so high they were bumping their heads on the moon.

Yes but be fair, calling an ambulance and asking to be taken to A&E for his toenails cutting was a bit OTT.

He would, but he's still banned

Wasn't there once a woman who called an ambulance because she couldn't peal an orange?

www.guardian.co.uk/society/2001/ ... h.politics Yes there was.

www.guardian.co.uk/society/2001/ ... h.politics Yes there was.

To be fair though, it is a little difficult getting oranges to peal although I'm not sure what difference paramedics could have made other than take her to a local asylum.

Especially if it had a bell tower.

And that c*** Wigan Fan is still posting?

No, he went last week

I'll be very suprised if we ever see him, again after what he came out with.

Saddened! is more likely to be unbanned on the Wigan forum before I’m allowed posting privileges on the sinbin again. Perhaps Mr Field you could advise me on what kind of message I should send to Mintball that might get my ban overturned?

I suggest composing a PM consisting entirely of the song written and performed by Sting called "If you love someone, set them free".

At least you'll know where you stand when she doesn't.

I was grateful for that support. If this foot doesn’t get better then I’m thinking of getting a bionic one like those people who’ve got bionic hands to replace their stagnant hands. I should just buy some new shoes and trainers before then though!

No need, when you get a false foot you get to specify what size shoes it should wear, and how fast the nails should grow.

I have sent those lyrics to Mintball under the message title of ‘Sinbin ban appeal’. It could work!

Do they do legs?

You're confusing Wallace & Grommits "The Wrong Trousers" with real life again

Bugger.

McLaren

I am about to be enveloped by a domestic situation; my sister and niece (8 years old) is coming to stay with me for a few weeks, as a stopover to America. My betrothed, struggles with my niece, who is a little hyper/highly strung.

How do I tell her to 'put up with it or off', without destabilising marital harmony?

I was once faced with a nine hour transatlantic flight with THE most hyperactive 5 year old daughter in the world, as I sat in the departure lounge at Gatwick watching her trying to climb into the ornamental fountain for the eighth time the solution suddenly appeared before me in a blinding light that read "Dixons Electrical". I bought her a Gameboy with three games, the best £100 I ever spent, we couldn't get it off her for months and her teachers complained incessantly about her playing with it when she returned to school but that was their problem not mine.

If that fails then you could introduce your niece to the cupboard under the stairs, if Harry Potter has achieved one thing amongst children its the belief that locking them in the cupboard under the stairs is no longer reportable to Child Protection Agencies.

Thank you. In times of financial prudence, the Harry Potter method will probably be my initial method.

This thread will go places.

It already has Bang lad, Buying the latest games console for £100 or less is the way forward for any babysitter with hyperactive kids!

Dear Mr Field, I am feeling (lethargic, sick and headache) unwell. What is the best cure?