Another seasonal one for you

Yob received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Yob tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set
a good example.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook it
and it just got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Yob put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then
suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.

Yob was worried that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the
freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Yob’s extended arm and said, "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will
endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

Yob was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was just about to
ask what had brought about such a dramatic change when the parrot
continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

8O

Q: Did you hear that David Beckham's voice will be
used for the announcements at the new Wembley?
A: Apparently he comes over the P.A. very well...

News just in

Victoria Beckham claims she had an affair with Jacko
to get back at her husband. But Jacko's lawyers
denied it, saying Mr Jackson could not have been
with Posh as he was in Brooklyn at the time.

[urlhttp://community-2.webtv.net/@HH!3B!01!109A6273ED6D/Babajani1/MurphysLaw/[/url
scroll down in wonder

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One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee
were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when
Huan Cho said ..
"Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the
perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year."




OK then, I'll get me coat.......and me hat - merry christmas and see
you all next year!!

Quote ="huddrefno1"santa needs your help www.banditos.info/speles/sobersanta2.swf'" I can't find any instructions

Quote ="huddrefno1"santa needs your help www.banditos.info/speles/sobersanta2.swf'" I can't find any instructions

Quote ="Yob" Quote ="huddrefno1"santa needs your help www.banditos.info/speles/sobersanta2.swf'" I can't find any instructions '" tis easy got 517. and im drunk meself

Quote ="Yob" Quote ="huddrefno1"santa needs your help www.banditos.info/speles/sobersanta2.swf'" I can't find any instructions '" tis easy got 517. and im drunk meself

Use the arrow keys

Cheers TS I've frazzled him twice now

You will enjoy this one then Brew!

[urlhttp://www.wagenschenke.ch/index2.htm[/url

Hi scratters, Lard here.

***Old Joke Alert***



***Even Older Joke Alert***

I thought he'd gone to Tampa with the kids.

Where's me whippet?

Diary of a Snowy Christmas.

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the pavements. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the pavements and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and pavements. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x40. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplough, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the damn snowplough.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a tip and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plough driver is suing me for a
million quid for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother . 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY
.... Check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification. Investigators then set about to determine
how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to
control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and
emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing he breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300
feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio,
his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the
engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into
gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars,
was dragged along as it burst through the glass
patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to
find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle,
and the shattered patio door. She called for an
ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly
large hill, went down the several flights of stairs
to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the
wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it
outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled
gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into
the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned
home, looked at the shattered patio door and the
damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the
bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while
attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped
the butt between his legs. The wife, who was in the
kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor
with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks,
legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.
The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics
carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they
asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told
them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, tilting
the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down
the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
____________________________________________


Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special
ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were
being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause
from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale
ate them both.
____________________________________________


Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of
wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked
him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
____________________________________________


STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all
two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
stampeding madly.
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?

Didn't they use the first one for an episode of CSI? I'm sure I've seen a program where they found the body of a diver up a tree in the midst of a brush fire.

If the great battles of history were fought today - how would we win? Health and safety and all the other that go with it, gives us a totally different view of the proceedings - here's one example of H&S applied to just one of our greatest heroes - Admiral Lord Nelson. Enjoy

The Battle of Trafalgar 2004

"Order the signal, Hardy."

"Aye, aye sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the
meaning of this?"

"Sorry sir?"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What
gobbledygook is this?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments."

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead."

"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
please."

"That won't be possible, sir."

"What?"

"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And
they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

" I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What? This is mutiny."

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"

"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

"What about sodomy?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

"In that case ... kiss me, Hardy."

Quote ="Good enuf to play for Fax"THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY .... Check it out these actual cases. Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing he breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. ___________________________________________ '" Are you sure? Check this out www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/scuba.htm

Quote ="Good enuf to play for Fax"THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY .... Check it out these actual cases. Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing he breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. ___________________________________________ '" Are you sure? Check this out www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/scuba.htm

Snow White returned to the cottage to find it had burned down.

Distraught, she searches for the dwarfs in the forest and hears a lone voice chanting: " Cas for the Challenge Cup, Cas for the Challenge Cup, Cas for the Challenge Cup."

On hearing this, Snow White gave a little sigh of relief as she knew that at least Dopey was safe!

The Game and the Scoring Point System:
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the
woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something
she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for
doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1

You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
In the snow.....+8
But return with beer.....-5 and no liners.....-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
With breast implants.....-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay,it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team.....-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, It doesn't matter, you have one too......-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
Any other response.....-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying
"well,what do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000

GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!!!

The Irishman's daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"Okay, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account with £5,000,000. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club . (takes a breath) .. and and invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

The girl, crying again, replied, "Sniff, sniff .. A prostitute Dad! .

Sniff, sniff ..."

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

Here's a test for you. If you don't get it right the first time, try again! www.ibogleif.dk/uk/Thetest-uk.html

Here's a test for you. If you don't get it right the first time, try again! www.ibogleif.dk/uk/Thetest-uk.html

I hear we have signed Prince Harry,




he is going to play right wing

Quote ="Yob"Here's a test for you. If you don't get it right the first time, try again! www.ibogleif.dk/uk/Thetest-uk.html'" The good thing is it follows a pattern (left end then right end {ooooh er missus}) sp you can watch the tit$ and getit correct! It only took me all afternoon to work that out

Quote ="Yob"Here's a test for you. If you don't get it right the first time, try again! www.ibogleif.dk/uk/Thetest-uk.html'" The good thing is it follows a pattern (left end then right end {ooooh er missus}) sp you can watch the tit$ and getit correct! It only took me all afternoon to work that out

One from the Old Joke's Home that someone sent me today

What do you call a Russian prostitute?
Onya Backyabitch