I just wanted to let you know that the new Homeland Security Bill has been passed. Things will be different now and internet surfing will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI says you will not notice anything different. For a demonstration, click on the link below... users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

I just wanted to let you know that the new Homeland Security Bill has been passed. Things will be different now and internet surfing will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI says you will not notice anything different. For a demonstration, click on the link below... users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES!
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he
looks into his small bowl. It is empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl, and it is also empty.

"Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells...

"For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you
idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke
everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was
Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything
away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to
fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was
Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and
filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to
drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with
your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one
more time...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F#%^*ING PORRIDGE YET!!"

"Smoking Dope or Doing Time"

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked
the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor," he replied, "I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and
told them the big circle is your brain before drugs, and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" he asked the second boy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach," he answered. "I drew a large and a small circle. Pointing to the small circle, I said, this is your 4rsehole before you go to prison..........."

Merseyside Council are to name a new school after Ken Bigley.






They are currently advertising for a Head.

I shouldnt really laugh at that should I

BEST MOTHER IN LAW JOKE I HAVE EVER HEARD.



A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.



While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."



The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.



The undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $150.00?"



The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."

Elton John goes to a tattooist & says “I want a tattoo of a car on my c0ck.”

Tattooist replies “Better make it a 4x4 with the amount of sh*t it has to go through”

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.



'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'



'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'



'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?' asks Matthew.



'No Matthew. while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. The Operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.



A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.



'That's an unbelievable story. So, Simon who are you going to be tonight?'




'Tonight, Matthew,

I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

As we now know, Dr. Atkins was 258 lbs. at the time of his death, an obese weight for a man 6' tall.

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.


2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.


3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans


4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.


5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

What do you call a Nun sitting on a washing machine?

Sister Matic

Is a midget fortune teller who has escaped from prison a small medium at large?

the blond and the tramp

A blond was out walking when she sees a tramp sat asking for money.

she walks over and passes him some money and notices he has L and R written on his shoes.

she looks at the tramp with a puzzled look on her face and askes "why do you have L and R on your shoes?"

to which the tramp replies "so i know which shoe to put on which foot"

to this the blond then replies "thats why my nickers say C & A"

Subject: The black dragon

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been
since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!!!"

A New Zealand farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means and with a red face asks the vet to elaborate. The vet tells the farmer that he will have to inseminate them himself. The farmer asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.



The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his Landrover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.



The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Landrover again. He drives them out to the woods bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.



The next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.



The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.



"No," she says, "they're all in the Landrover and one of them is beeping the horn."

I promised myself not to post a

at any of these jokes but I really had to

at that one!!! Here's mine:

Two gays are dancing together in a nightclub.

The one turns to the other and says: “Why are you getting an erection?�

To which he replied: “coz you dance like an ar$ehole.�

A visiting professor at Castleford Technical College is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said, 'Goats'!"

I see on the front page of today's "Courier" that the Ripper has met a womean inside who he wants to marry.

Just hope that they don't all get hammered at the reception.

A hillbilly woman takes a bus trip north to visit her sister in the big city. While waiting for her sister to pick her up, she asks a group of women sitting near her, "Where y'all from?"
One of the women says, "Were from someplace where we don't end our sentences in prepositions."
"O.K.," responds the hillbilly. "Where y'all from, bitch?"

Q: What have Gareth gates and Harold Shipman got in common?
A: Neither of them can finish a sentence.


Shipman's last meal was a curry. When asked afterwards if he enjoyed it, he replied that it was OK but he could've murdered a nan.


They are going to make a film about Harold Shipman starring Robert De Niro. Title: The Old Dear Hunter.


Harold Shipman's suicide note has been found. It reads - "I can't go on. I've run out of patience."


The prison warden where Shipman was 'staying' commented that he will be sorely missed, especially by the prison boxing club. He said: "He had a lethal jab".

It's been said Harold Shipman was a bit of a lady killer, maybe thats got something to do with the fact that he's well hung!

The Yorkshire Ripper walked into a bar with a young lady and ordered a pint of lager.
"Can I have a Cinzano" said the girl
"No you'll have a screwdriver like the rest of them".

David Beckham came home one day to find his wife puffing and panting on the bed.

"What's the matter, Princess?" he says.

"I think I'm having a heart attack," she replies.

Beckham dashed off to phone an ambulance only to have his son tugging at his trousers.

"What's up, Brooklyn?" he asks.

"Daddy, Ryan Giggs is in Mummy's wardrobe with no clothes on."

In a rage Beckham races into the bedroom and yanks open the wardrobe door.

"You're a complete w@nker Giggsy," he screams. "I thought you were a mate of mine. The wife's in agony and all you can do is hang around in the wardrobe instead of helping her.....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

When he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke in to hundreds of little pieces on the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa
trudged to the door.He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree., very cheerfully she said , "Merry Christmas,Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where should I stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?"

The kid says, "A $*#%@#$ Climbing Frame" Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again.
What else would you like?"

The kid says, "A $*#%@#$ sand pit for the side yard." Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?"

The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a $*#%@#$ trampoline in the front yard." Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the climbing frame, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sand pit, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune."

Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head.


His father says, "What's wrong, son?" The kid says, "Santa brought me a $*#%@#$ dog, but I can't find him".

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

I am really sorry for that - honest