HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES ON AN AIRPLANE


If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you, follow these instructions:


1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up.

4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes.
6. Tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Move your lips as if praying.
8. Then hit this [url=http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swflink[/url

I can't believe we've not had a chuckle since early December, so I thought I'd dust off this thread.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

A screw is doing his rounds of the cells when he looks into the Cas fan's bijou chalet and sees him hanging from the ceiling by his feet. He rushes in and cuts him down.

"What did you think you were trying to do?" He asks the somewhat confused inmate.

"Trying to hang meself," replies the dejected prisoner.

"Don't you know that you're supposed to put the noose around your neck?"

"Sod that for a game of soldiers! Tried that already, but i couldn't breathe."

Married Life. This says it all..................



This story is how to separate fantasy from reality in the real world:

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He
said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all
night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office.
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex
all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed
the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'??
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'?


You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -



'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
So sorry

Taxi
Coat
Hat

Please turn out the lights when you leave.

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'" "Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

A husband and wife are out shopping in a supermarket. The husband puts 10 cans of lager in the trolley and the wife takes them out saying they are too expensive at £10.

Further down the aisle she puts a £20 jar of face cream in the trolley.

"Hold on a minute," he says, "that's expensive."

"But it makes me look beautiful," she replies.

"So does the lager," he quips, "but at half the price!"

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Waiting for the SKY Sports camera's to visit the Shay this season...
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The CIA had a special mission for a special agent. After an intensive program of selection, there was a shortlist of three top agents – two men and one woman. They were taken to a secret location for the final stage of the selection process.

In the reception room, they faced three locked and windowless rooms. The first agent – a man - was told: “We have to be sure that you will do whatever we tell you to do. Here’s a gun. In that first room, you will find your wife seated, blindfold and handcuffed. Kill her!” The man looked incredibly shocked and insisted: “There’s no way I could kill my wife”. He was told; “Then you’re not the man for this job. Leave here and never say anything about what you have seen”.

The second man was given the same instructions in relation to the second room. He entered the room and, for a long time, there was silence. Then he came out, his eyes streaming with tears. “I tried to do it”, he said, “but I just couldn’t”. “Then you haven’t got what it takes”, he was told. “Go immediately and forget you ever applied for this job”.

There was only the female agent left and she was told that her husband was in the last room. She went in as instructed. At first there was silence. Then there was a loud bang, then another, then yet another. Next there was loud shouting, fierce screaming and incredible banging. Finally the woman emerged from the room wiping the sweat from her face. “That damn gun was full of blanks”, she screamed. “I had to kill him with the chair”.

Shipwrecked

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a
holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,
only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I
used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls
off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.

'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,'
winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been
out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ..

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

"Bloody hell," he said. "Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports, as well?

Why Men don't write Advice columns

Dear Peter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off forwork leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn'tgone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and thecar shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with aneighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husbandis 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him,he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the pastsix months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go fromhis job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasinglydepressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave himthe ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can getthrough to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can becaused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking thatthere is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubileeclips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of theseapproaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself isfaulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.I hope this helps.

Best regards

Peter

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries o ld,
I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
represent you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and
he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...

'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined
to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would
never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I
left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were
right. I had to change my name. I had too mu ch pride to return to your
office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it
without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my
appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

2012 Olympics

Liverpools Olympic Bid

We have recently received a leaked document regarding Liverpool making a shock bid to host the year 2012 Olympic Games. In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic committee on their choice of venues for the games in 2012, the organisers of Liverpool's bid had drawn up an itinerary and schedule of their own details which are detailed below.

Opening Ceremony

A petrol bomb, thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shellsuit will ignite the Olympic flame.

The Events

In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes.

100 Metres Sprint

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 Metres Hurdles

As above but with added obstacles, i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.

Hammer

The competitors are allowed the choice of hammer (Claw, Sledge etc.) The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

Fencing

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewelry as possible within 5 minutes.

Shooting

A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines. The targets are to be as follows:

A Moving Police Van
A Post Office Clerk
A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver
Their next door neighbour.
The Local Vicar

Boxing

Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time Trials

Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home (All against the clock).

Cycling Pursuit

As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.

Modern Pentathlon

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entry, flashing, joyriding and arson.

The Marathon

A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog , crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.

Men's 50km Walk

Unfortunatley this event will be cancelled, as the merseyside police cannot guarantee the safety of anybody walking the streets of liverpool.

Relay

Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.

Discus

Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate in the fastest time.

Closing Ceremony

Entertainment will include formation dancing by members of Livepool health in the community anti-drug campaigners, Syncronised brick throwing and music from the Toxeth Reggae Band

The Olympic Flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by someone droping a old washine machine on it from a block of flats next to the stadium.

What looks like a fridge but isn't a fridge?....A dishwasher!

2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

A Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas
pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows
where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the
cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the
cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen
floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw
off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and a very irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
Kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.?

In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.? After
50, they are like onions'.
Onions?'
Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how??
Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through

Three phases also.? In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and

Hard.? In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.??
After his? 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

We'll have no sexist jokes on here

Rugby League Hero

A rugby league fan is drinking in a London bar, when he gets a
call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and
orders a round of drinks for everybody, announcing his wife has just
given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,
but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average in
Yorkshire ... Like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna
be a rugby league player."

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many
exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy
pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says,
"Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be
in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds." The bartender is
puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already
weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Tetley's bitter, wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says
"Had him circumcised

Embarrassing moment!







You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down,
and that's when you realize, you have been listening to your ipod.

> SUPPORTIVE HUSBAND
>
> It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
> harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
> were younger.
>
>
>
> When you notice this, try not to shout at them.
>
>
>
> Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive
> woman.
>
>
>
> My name is Rod. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
> Tricia.
>
>
>
> When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Tricia to
> get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.
>
>
>
> Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her
> age.
>
>
>
> I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from
> work.
>
>
>
> Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest
> for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
>
>
>
> I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me
> when she gets dinner on the table.
>
>
>
> I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the
> question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get in.
>
>
>
> She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual
> for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
>
>
>
> I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
> that they won't clean themselves.
>
>
>
> I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get
> them done before she goes to bed.
>
>
>
> Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it
> is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour.
>
>
>
> But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer
> encouragement.
>
>
>
> I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she
> won't have to rush so much.
>
>
>
> I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt
> her.
>
>
>
> I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
>
>
>
> When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
>
>
>
> She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and
> several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house.
>
>
>
> It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day',
> but I try not to make a scene.
>
>
>
> I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit
> for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
> make one for me too.
>
>
>
> I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Tricia.
>
>
>
> I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
> find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
>
>
>
> Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
> However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your
> ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was
> well worthwhile.
>
>
>
> After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
>
>
>
> EDITOR'S NOTE:
>
>
>
> Rod died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley
> screwdriver rammed up his bum with only 2 inches showing.
>
>
>
> His wife Tricia was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence
> that he accidentally sat on it.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide
under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.

A few minutes later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have
you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to
Iraq.

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of
legs!'
The nun replied,
'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of
b**ls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife.
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband.
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:
'18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.'
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

THE BIG 9 inch DECISION

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance
compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a overjoyed. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting a new kitchen.'