A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the safe" he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" she replies, "we don't have any money, this is a sperm bank."
"Don't argue, open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" says the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it!" he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.
"There", he says, "that wasn't too difficult was it?!?!

After having dug to a depth of 1000 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 2000 metres and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; "English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 metres in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland's inhabitants were already using wireless technology."

(My favorite of the three!):


Two married buddies were out drinking one night. One turned to the other and said "It's a real problem. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking. I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I creep up the stairs, I get underdressed in the bathroom, I ease gently into bed without disturbing and STILL my wife wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy took a swif of beer and said: "Your doing it all wrong! I screech into the driveway, slam the door, Storm up the stairs, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, how about a blow job?. . . and she's always sound asleep"

The [size=200ULTIMATE[/size in Body Piercing!!!

There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a
woman on board.

The headquarters in the US calls:

"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen."

He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1,
increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the
reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases
the oxygen.

A few moments later...

Headquarters calls again: "Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the
television screen."

He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop
the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel
compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.

So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the
nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.



A little later on, headquarters calls again:



"Woman, please woman approach the screen."
She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she
says.....



"I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, dont touch anything."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then said. "Someone has stolen our tent."

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: "You got dem on de wrong feet"!

A friend in Rishworth got a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his drive and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

"Fridge for sale £30."

The next day someone stole it

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the Children
what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy,
Captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet
and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,
he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with
him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little
Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He
plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

Q: what key opens any lock?

A: piKEY

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary
on how Unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of
wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth
of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari
Management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving
Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's
First practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change
All four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had
re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8
cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the
shower.

A small man is sitting at the bar, when in walks a thug. The thug proceeds to hit the little guy who then falls to the floor.

"That's a neck chop from the Korean martial art of Tae Kwon Do," says the thug. The little guy climbs off the floor and back onto his bar-stool and returns to his drink. Later, the thug hits him again.

"That's a knife hand to the throat from the Japanese martial art of Karate," sneers the thug. Fed up, the little guy leaves the bar and returns shortly after. He hits the thug over the head, knocking him out.

Turning to the barman, the little guy says, " when he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from from the Halfords.".

A guy's sitting in a 'greasy spoon' on the A1 and has just had his full English brekkie brought to his table when a 6 Hell's Angels ride up and walk into the cafe.

As they walk past the guy 1 grabs a sausage and dips it in his egg, another swipes a bit of bacon and a third grabs an egg and slaps it on a piece of toast, etc. after they had all taken part of his meal the guy just quietly gets up and leaves.

"Not much of a man was he." says the leader of the bikers.

" Not much of a driver either." says the waitress, "Hes just driven over 6 motorcycles in his artic.

Government confirms it is to proceed with building
a large casino in South Leeds that will provide
Roulette, poker, slot machines and blackjack.

However the crap games will continue to be played
next door at Elland Road.

On the Leeds Utd theme...

What do Leeds Utd and speed cameras have in common?

It's easy to get three points off either.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible !!!!
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet ? "
No, " she replies. . . . . . "



Wait for it. .



It's coming. .


The suspense is killing you, isn't it ?



She says :

You just happened to catch my eye

Actually Jon, your joke falls down in that it wasn't her 'eye' which he caught, but a 'prosthetic eye'.

On the basis that if he had actually caught her 'eye' then the likelyhood is that she would have needed to go straight to the nearest A & E department and so the dinner suggested in the joke wouldn't have taken place.

There would no doubt have been a long wait for emergency surgery and the guy probably wouldn't have even gone to the hospital with her but would have called an ambulance. At best he might have dropped her off at the front door without leaving her his name, as these days he wouldn't have known if she might have claimed for compensation against him, for bruising the eye whilst instinctively grasping it in mid air.

Please research your jokes more thoroughly

Good point well spotted.
You have an keen eye for detail Ian.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina".....

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them are hurt.

God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars, there's
nothing left of them, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the
rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this
must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to
the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

An English 40-something, having split from his latest
girlfriend, booked him self on a Caribbean cruise. He proceeded
to have the time of his life - that is until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no
supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day
when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the
shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did
you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I
landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a
row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out
of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled
from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches,
and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

”But, where did you get the tools?"

"No problem," she replied. "On the south side of the island,
a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if
I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make
the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at
a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off
the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite
bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven
hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not
much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a
drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't
face another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.
How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and
they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged
their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the
bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of
tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are
fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she
begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out
here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm
sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've
been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he
swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"

On a daytime tv show about obese children a 10 year old boy who weighed 15 stone was asked what his favourite musical instrument
at school was. the fat git said the dinner bell.

BE WARNED there are a couple of men going around asda car park robbing women. One guy befriends the victim and gives sexual gratification and while she is distracted the other steals her bag.
My wife was robbed last Monday and Tuesday oh and Wednesday as well.

The National Pakistan Library in Karachi was closed today because somebody had stolen the book.
(I could get rapped for this but I don't think it's racist, I hope not anyway

)

I have 3 handbags for sale if anybody is interested.