Two guys are pushing their shopping trolley's around a store when they collide.

The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?

The second guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big breasts and is wearing short shorts and a tank top. What does your wife look like"?

The first guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

A door to door salesman knocks on a door.
A boy about eight years old answers, dressed
in stockings and suspenders, with a fat cigar
in one hand and a large glass of red wine in the other.
"Is your mum in, son?" says the salesman,
The boy replies, "Does it f*cking look like it?"

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.

While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his
father . "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies,
"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you
German B******s!"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Smiles are in short supply, especially if you are a dentist....

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did
you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

A journalist interviews Sir Paul McCartney:
"So, Sir Paul, do you think that you will ever
go down on one knee again?"
Sir Paul: "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather".

A little boy goes into sports shop to buy a rugby ball.

When he goes to pay the owner says to the boy he has not got enough money.

So the boy says he will do a deal.

If the owner blindfolds him and hands him any ball from i.e. Hull, wakefield, Bradford etc, he can tell the shopkeeper which ball he has in his hands........the owner agrees.

He hands him the first ball and the boy has a feel and he says ,"This is a Leeds Rhinos Ball" The shopkeeper is astounded and says "How did you guess that?"

The boy says " I could feel the charge of the Rhino through the ball!"

The shopkeeper passes him another ball.

The lad says "This is a Warrington Ball!" The shopkeeper is amazed. "How did you guess that?"......

The lad says "I could hear the howl of the Wolves as I touched the ball!"

The shopkeeper hands him one more ball just too convince him "Now then lad, try this ball!"

He has a feel and says "This is easypeasey lemonsqueasy........Its a Wigan Ball!"

The shopkeeper rubs his eyes and says "How the fek did you get that?"

the lad retorts "Its GOING DOWN"

I woke up this morning and there was a man
stealing my gate.
I didn't say anything in case he took a fence.

NEWSFLASH:

Saddam Hussein has been found guilty.



He has been sentenced to death by firing squad.



Saddam's last wish is that he should choose the members of the firing squad. His choice:



Lampard, Gerrard & Carragher, all from 12 yards!

A guy is playing golf and tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt
you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and
hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he
finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how's your golf game?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your
money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I
pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how is
your sex life?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or
twice a week."
Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a
Catholic priest in a small parish."

=blueBubba's joke

A blonde walks into a laundrette, puts a dress on the side, storms out and mumbles "I'll be back on friday to collect it". "Come again?" replies the cashier. The blond turns round and with an angry glare yells, "No actually, its mayonaise this time"

thanks

Talk to God


An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around
the world.

So he bought a train ticket and took a trip to Plymouth, thinking that he
would start by working his way across England from South to North. On
his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed
a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read"£ 10,000
per call".

The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the
telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to
heaven and that for £ 10,000 you could talk to God. The Englishman
thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Worcester. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw
the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered
if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Plymouth and he
asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a
direct line to heaven and that for £ 10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K.,
thank you," said the Englishman.

He then travelled to Salisbury, Birmingham, Carlisle and Newcastle. In
every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£ 10,000
per call" sign under it.

The Englishman, upon leaving Newcastle decided to travel to York to
see if they had the same telephone. He arrived in York, and again, in
the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but
this time the sign under it read "40p per call."

The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven,
but the price was £ 10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Yorkshire now, son -
it's a local call"

Lol, very good Yob!

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says
"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you
were in a pile-up on the motorway. Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, but
something happened.

I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable
to find it."

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have
the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did,
better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch. "So the
thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's
something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before
and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine
inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.

So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?".

"I have " says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?".

"She has" says the bloke

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

The bloke looks up and says.

"We're having a new kitchen".

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

it is true Yob, watch your back mr yob, the female supporters may be after you in wrong capacity though

Don't worry, Pete. No-one will get hurt as I've heard Yob fires blanks as well.

A woman goes to the vets with her duck.

She says "Something is wrong with my duck, its not moved in days"
Vet examines the duck and says "Sorry you duck is dead",
She says "Can I get a second opinion?"
Vet says "Of course", the vet goes to a door in the corner and opens it. He whistles then a labrador dog comes in. The dog sniffs the duck and then shakes its head to the vet.

The vet goes to the door again and whistles. This time a cat comes in and jumps on the table. The cat sniffs and licks the duck. Again the cat looks at the vet and shakes its head.

She says "What was that?"
Vet says "Your second opinion!"
She says "I am not paying for that!"

[iwait for it...[/i

Vet says "Why not, that was a lab test and a cat scan?"

To the monkey-hanger's relief.

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders
hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The
little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog
and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:

"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the
little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one
to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at
the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?

Christmas is only round the corner, so start getting some practice in now. Take the 'Beat the Sprout' Challenge. www.eyegas.com/xmas05/

Christmas is only round the corner, so start getting some practice in now. Take the 'Beat the Sprout' Challenge. www.eyegas.com/xmas05/

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.

His Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink'! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink'! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left , then to the right, through the front door, into the street, where a truck smashes into him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father cries hysterically. The bartender sighs and says 'He should have quit while he was a head!

A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits down
next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"
"NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who
overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell you how to get to
have sex with her!"

"Yeah?" says the hippie.

"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday
night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe
with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and
pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his
face.

"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to
anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he
finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.


"Ha-ha," he cries "I am the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver"