A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that??"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess its ok." commented the woman.

In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly,

"Same illness, better health plan".

Two guys were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do" he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a Bic lighter that was a foot long.

"Wow," said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie," he asked?

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag".

"Can I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes, I will," the genie said so the guy asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the guy looks up and sees a million ducks flying overhead.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two
black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
ar$e."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks
like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that"

Try this i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_con ... ursor3.swf It works best if you turn the volume up

Try this i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_con ... ursor3.swf It works best if you turn the volume up

Q. What do you call a man who goes to a
Serbian prostitute?

A. Slobbadown Mycockyoubitch.










I'll get my coat!

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the
hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a Fifty Pound note on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a Fifty Pound note tattooed on his
privates?"

"Well, for one...I like to watch my money grow. Two...once in a while I like
to play with my money. Three...I like how money feels in my hand. And,
lastly...instead of you going out wasting money on shopping, you can stay
right here at home and blow Fifty quid anytime you want."

Larry is recovering nicely in the hospital...

Irish Beer

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a bloody Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon? Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies "Well, if you f***ing pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I!

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandad?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandad died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it,
I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

Final Exam Failure

Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't have a clue what I was doing (as cited on the final exam). There were 80 multiple choice questions. For some reason I decided to play the game of probability and choose the letter "A" for everything. In that game, the only thing probable was that I failed.
The following day, the professor asked to see me after class. "Is everything okay?" "Sure," I said, "why? "Well, here's your test," he said and handed me a piece of paper that was covered with red ink. "Can you explain why you chose an 'A' for everything?"

Knowing that there was nothing I could do at this point, I said, "Well, I've always wanted to be an 'A' student."

And these are for all you lovers out there...

These are entries to a Washington post competition asking for a
rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second
line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss....
But I only slept with you, because I was ed!

I thought that I could love no other....
until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.


Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace.....
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes....
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife...
Marrying you really screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming....
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away....
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell.....
Except for maybe "Go To Hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Mother Knows!


A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, and during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flat-mate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flat-mate than met the eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flat-Mates". About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose
she took it do you?"

"Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Paul. So he
sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PAUL X

Several days later, Paul received an e-mail from his mother which read:


DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!

LOVE MUM X


Lesson of the day:- NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS
FINDS OUT)

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

How do you circumcise a Cas fan?



Kick his sister under the chin!

Boy do we need a laugh at the moment !


A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had s * x with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."


Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s * x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this "Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest."Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.



The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"


The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies;
"No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."

A bloke walks into a lift and
stands next to a very pretty woman.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I smell your fanny?"
"No!" she replies, "Don't be disgusting."
"Oh well," the man shrugs his shoulders,
"It must be your feet then."

Q: Why is the Government like an Ikea wardrobe?
A: One loose screw and the whole cabinet falls apart.

Have you been saving that joke?

Old one recycled for today

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",
"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A South African gold miner lost his leg in an accident.

Choking back the tears later he cried,
"It's over! who's gonna want a one legged gold digger?"

Then his phone rang. "It's Paul McCartney."

What do the Premiership and a Cordless Drill have in common?

They both work better without Leeds

After his recent seperation Paul Mcartney said he would never go down on one knee again, or Heather as she is known.

Cruel!

She could sue but she hasn't got a leg to stand on!

Bet she is hopping mad about that one.