wet to watch the new film brokeback mountain....the ending is good where they ride into town shoot up the sherriff and get tossed in the jail.

BUM BUM!!

I'll get me coat...

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you "


"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"

"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.


"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?


"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned
to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do
you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them
back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a
free box of candles."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them
and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do
you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you
perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you."

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned
to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do
you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them
back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a
free box of candles."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them
and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do
you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you
perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d!ck like you."

It may have been funny, but not that funny

Two nuns were sat in a bath one nun said to the other wheres the soap the other nun laughs and says yes it does doesn’t it

Ha Ha Ha

Brian Noble sent scouts out around the world looking for a new player that will hopefully save Bradford from relegation. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi Winger who he thinks will turn out to be a superstar.

The Bulls manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Bradford.

Two weeks later Bradford are 28 -0 down to Castleford with only 20
minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi Winger the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 converted tries in 20 minutes and wins the game for The Bulls! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the Media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English RL.

"Hello Mum, guess what?" he says, "I played for 20 minutes today. We were 28-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everyone loves me, the fans, the Media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his Mum, "Let me tell you about my day... Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, and your Brother has joined a gang of looters, all whilst you were having a great time".

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say Mum, but I'm SO
sorry".................

"Sorry!" says his mum, "Sorry!" ..."It's your fault we had to move to
Bradford in the first place!"

They are oldies but goodies



TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message -
...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts.
The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, No, the steaks are too high.

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!
The doctor replied, I know you can't, I've cut your arms off

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank.
Proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says I'll give you some cream to put on it.

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
' Is it common? '
It's not unusual.

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? Well,
says the vet,let's have a look at him, So he picks the dog
up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says,I'm going to have to put him down. What?
Because he's cross-eyed? No, because he's really heavy

14. Guy goes into the doctor's.
Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.
How's that?
Don't you start.

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16.What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you give me a lift?
I said Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad,or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other your round.
The other one says So are you, you fat bast**d!

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

21.You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, I've hurt my arm in several places
The doctor said, Well don't go there anymore

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
Expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night'

A US Senator died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the Senator, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's." The hands have never moved indicating that
she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice,
telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."

The man asked, "Where's President Bush's clock?"

"It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings. Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This
is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to
inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replies, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there
is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac pauses. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still
on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers.
Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
500 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!""Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin',
Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of
heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of
Guinness,and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

CATHOLIC PARROTS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him.

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know
how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no
time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.As he
ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage
holding rosary beads and praying.Impressed; she walked over and placed
her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried
out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the
other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers
have been answered."

Potentially and Realistically....
A boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heart beat! Are you nuts?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a poof."

The latest craze with clubbers is to fill a womans vagina with vodka and to drink it through a straw. Government experts are warning the public of the dangers of minge drinking.

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge
her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that.
I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

TWO NUNS





There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

ha ha ha it is quite funny well done wonder how long it took you to think of that.

When is the best time to go to the dentist?








tooth hirty

I'll get my coat

www.office-humour.co.uk/item.cfm?itm=3876 another 'humurous' windowsheen advert.

www.office-humour.co.uk/item.cfm?itm=3876 another 'humurous' windowsheen advert.

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"



The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

A couple were invited to a sy family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh ," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure, the duck is dead", he replied. "How can you be sure", she protested, "I mean, you haven't done any tests on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from end to end. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck".

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had taken my word, that would have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up!