A man rings his office and says,
"I can't come into work today as I'm sick."

His boss asks him, "So how sick are you?
"Well, says the man, "I'm in bed with
my 12 year old son..."

A man and a woman meet each other in a nightclub, and its love at first sight. Sparks fly, they hit it off, and they know they are made for one another. They decide to get married the next day.

The woman says to the man "I must tell you, im flat chested, there's nothing there, im sorry."

"It doesnt matter. You are the woman of my dreams, and I know you are the one, I love you... Besides, I have something to tell you"

"Go on" Says the woman

"Well.... you know....im like a ..a...Baby down there!"

"That doesn't matter. We are soul mates, you are so hansom. Size isn't everything. I love you"

They get married, and later that evening, in a vegas hotel room, they are all over each other. Down come the husband's trollies, and the woman takes one look at the man's nether region, and faints.

After coming round, the man asks:

"What's up?"

The woman replies "I thought you said you were like a baby down there!"

And the man replies:

"Yeah, 7 Ibs 6 ounces!"

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo bread purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year
they send us a complete dick."

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better.

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds
into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Russell Smith died and went to Heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the Pearly Gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter.If he could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics he would be let in.

Smithy thinks for a minute and says "I was reffing a challenge cup quarter final at a packed Shay between Halifax and the Bulls when Halifax were one point up with 30 seconds to go. After a blistering handling move the ball pops out to Wobbie on the wing and as he dived over to score he drops the ball. However as the Bulls had been the best team on the day I allowed the try and the Bulls won."

St Peter says "That was certainly very brave of you but I'll have to check it in the book"

After a while St Peter returns and says "When did this brave deed happen. I can't find a mention of it anywhere."

Smithy looks at his watch "About 45 seconds ago."

Fred walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm.
He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a magazine.

"Honey," says Fred, "This is the pig I've been screwing when you're
not available."

"Fred," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep."

"Shut up," says Fred. "I wasn't talking to you."

I was walking down the cobbles in uptown Castleford the other week, when I came across their rugby league club's new antipodean coach. He had a big grin on his face and was carrying a sheep under each arm.

"You shearing, mate?", I enquired.

"Nah!" came the reply.

"I'm gonna shag 'em both!"






I'll get me coat.

> A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
> animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
> first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
> following:
>
> "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
> once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
>
> " You foul-mouthed s@x obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country.......we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........"
>
> "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta s@x? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

There was an exorcism in Ireland last week.


It took the Devil an hour to get the priest out of the boy.

A Jelly Baby and a Smartie were sat at the bar chatting. The Smartie suggests going for a drink down town. The Jelly Baby is not so sure saying he is soft and fears being beaten up. The Smartie reassures him "I'm a hard case. I'll protect you". So off they went.

Down town they are sat drinking when three Lockets burst into the pub. The Smartie dives under the table and the Lockets proceed to kick seven bells out of the Jelly Baby.

The Lockets walk out, the Smartie crawls out from underneath the table and the Jelly asks " I thought you were a hard case and was going to protect me."

The Smartie "You must be joking. Those Lockets are F$$cking menthol."

A father and his pre-pubescent son were in a chemist waiting for their prescription, when the young lad espied the condoms behind the counter.

"What's a condom, Dad?" enquires the sprog.

"You use them to practice safe sex" replies an embarrassed Dad.

"Why are they in a packet of three?"

"They're for young men just discovering the joyful world of sex" says his father. "One for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night."

"And there is a packet with six in it!" exclaims the boy.

"That's for the young men at college. Two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday night."

"Wow, Dad, Look!! There's a packet of twelve" shouts the amazed kid.

"Ah, now,"says Dad. "They're for married men."

"One for January, one for February, one for March......."

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and asked, "Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

Me and my mates went to fax baths recently, my mate opted to not use the top board this time.
This is because two years ago he thought hed be matcho and impress the birds by attempting an audacious dive, however he hiself when about to go overboard and slipped on the mat and had to cling on to the edge of the board until the lifeguards ''rescued him''
We laughed until our side split, silly clown

That was not a joke, however it was a SERIOUS moment in the world, it should have been on SKY news, a main bulleten

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."


So - Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Irish Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lizzy Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads!"

A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Five Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £1000 to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £1000 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

-------------------------------------
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

--------------------------------------
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

----------------------------------------
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

------------------------------------------
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, here he was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there for long.

I noticed that the prosecution in the Michael Jackson case have asked that, if found guilty, he be melted down and made into toys so kids can play with him instead!

(Allegedly!)

A wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman.

She says, "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back." He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?" She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. And this had better be good!"

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice. I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never served me! ! . I showed her to the door. She was so grateful, for all these things, and she thanked me profusely. But then, as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me........

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

=greenI know this is not a joke, but I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did



The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Bristol chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my first year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A

=greenI know this isn't a joke either but

That sounds like something Office Boy would write!

Subject: Worcester Sauce Recent cancer scare


Customer: Worcester sauce crisps please.


Shopkeeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare.


Customer: Oh right, Chinese Chicken Wings?


Shopkeeper: Ah that's the same , Cancer scare


Customer: Hamburger Relish?


Shopkeeper: Cancer scare


Customer: Sausage and Mash?


Shopkeeper: Cancer scare


Customer: Cottage Pie?


Shopkeeper: Yes, ...no wait, Cancer scare.


Customer: So they're all off the shelves because of a Cancer scare?


Shopkeeper: Yes

v
v
v
v
v
Customer: (sigh) Fekin Hell ! Just give me a packet of fags then.
Shopkeeper: Certainly. £4.50 please.

Customer: Thanks !!

Piston Broke finds that he is unable to do the business, this after several years of Married life.

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
So the doctor refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this."

He throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with Billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once A year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

PB then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

"All you or your partner has to say is '1234,' and it will go down. " But be warned: "It will not work again for another year."

PB goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion.

After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123," and suddenly he gets an erection just as the witch doctor said.

His wife, who was facing the other way, turns over and says, "What Did you say '123' for?"