Kim Jong-Il’s family bought him a dog for Christmas. Now they’ll have to eat it without him.

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!

I went to Ann Summers at the White Rose today and bought my other half some crotchless knickers.

Did i feel horny? No, i just thought she needed a better grip on her broomstick.

I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants - Feefiphobia

Sitting on a Train the other day and on gets a Beautifull thai Bird!!
I Gaze across in Amazement and say to myself Please dont get an Erection,Please dont get an Erection!!
And Guess what,
She bloody did..

I went to Ann Summers and splashed out on some new lingerie.
Barstewards made me pay for it!

How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the G.

Glad Facebook reminded me that it's Jesus' Birthday today - with all this Christmas stuff going on, I'd completely forgotten.

Who?

Obama's Mexican gardener...

An old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down from the hotel room with teary eyes and a pained expression on her face.

"What's the matter, dear?" asks the receptionist at the hotel front desk.

"Well", sobbed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, but I assumed he meant his money".

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, no expense spared, it was marvellous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there ?"

The Spaniard replied; "No."

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.


The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"Oh, I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, hugged and kissed me.
That night we had the most amazing sex ever..........
Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before.

I'll be using those

I see the new Margaret Thatcher movie, "Iron Lady" has been classified PG, apparently it's not suitable for miners.

What has glasses and ruins your life? The bar I met my wife in.

A man walks on to an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a minute he turns to her and asks "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust, and says "Certainly not." Oh," replies the man "It must be your feet then."

My nextdoor neighbour has just knocked on my door saying she thinks someone has been stealing her underwear off the washing line ..... I almost shat her knickers

Now that Blacks have gone into administration is this our winter of discount tent ?

What's the difference between Big Brother and Celebrity Big Brother?

Nothing.

Bob Holness hasn't been in Heaven two minutes and already Amy Winehouse is pestering him with "Can I have an E please Bob?"

Divers searching the stricken liner Costa Concordia have found two Glaswegians in the bar.

They told the divers to f*ck off, they're on All Inclusive.

Just bought a raffle ticket to win a cruise in the Mediterranean.
Last Weeks Was A Rollover...

In bed watching the telly . There was a bulletin about the Costa Concordia and the presenter mentioned that it was lying on it's side with a gash the size of a tennis court . I just happened to glance at the wife . Boy did she kick off .