In a recent Moray poll, 1000 Scousers were asked if Britain should change the national currecy to the Euro.

96.5% said that they were happy to keep the Giro

You've got to hand it to midgets....

Sometimes they just can't reach.

Jordan was said to have been in deep shock at the discovery of a mystery object on her car. Police have told her not to worry and explained that it is an indicator.

I was the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway she's now made a formal complaint and I'm banned for life.

All I got for christmas was a grain of rice, just a grain of rice, I said thanks uncle ben.

Mrs Goldblatt has just come back from shopping with a Scouse Advent calander

when we opened it up, all the windows were boarded up, and some fecker's nicked all the chocolate

Milton Jones!

Man walks in to a chip shop and says can I have a steak and kidley pie please.

Server says don't you mean a steak and kidney pie?

Man says - that's what I said diddle I?

BOOM - BOOM!!!

Jimmy Saville's last wish was to be buried in the Delorian car from Back to the Future with the date to be set to fluctuate repeatedly between today and yesterday - the dial was set to `now then' `now then' `now then'

Fatima Whitbread, king of the jungle

Happy Birthday Ryan Giggs! I suppose it'll be a quiet affair this year?

After becoming depressed me and my wife planned a joint suicide. However strangely once she had killed herself things started looking up.

I was about to buy a "Blue Peter" advent calendar.... Then i remembered i had made one earlier.

With Chelsea only needing a 0-0 draw to progress to the next round of europe. Fernando Torres is expected to start.

I saw an advert in the paper yesterday, "Yacht for sale" As if people don't know what a yacht's for.

"I hope Santa gets me a nice new diamond bracelet for Christmas," my wife said, winking at me.
I said, "I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you love. I don't think he exists."

I was being chased by 'The Count' from 'Sesame Street'.
I dodged into a field of sheep and managed to escape while he fell asleep.    

Sean Connery returns home to find all of his electrical equipment gone and his car replaced with a horse and trap.
"Shomething is Amish here", he thought.

What goes clop clop clop clop - BANG BANG - clopclopclopclopclopclop.....??








An Amish 'drive-by'!!

I've just lost the money for my wife's epilepsy prescription in the bookies. She'll have a fit when she finds out.

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a lifejacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted".



My wife slipped over in the bathroom last night and knocked herself out. As she lay there on the floor naked, p***y glinting in the light I thought ''this is my chance'' so I went to the pub

I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Roadshow, and they told me it was 'absolutely priceless'.

Well, I got 4 quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend. Who's laughing now?

You are a card aren't you

So, bloke goes to the pub the other day and says "can I please have a bint of pitter and a lalf of hager?"

Landlord says "Don't you mean pint of bitter and half of lager?"

Bloke says "yes, I'm sorry. I tend to get my words mixed up sometimes"

Landlord says "yes, I know what you mean. only this morning I was coming downstairs and I meant to ask the wife if she fancied some breakfast, however I ended up saying "you've ruined my life you ugly fat biitch"

I took summat to The Antiques Roadshow once.

I says to the expert "I recently moved into a large old terraced property, and I found this in my loft, and was wondering if you could let me know how much it's worth?"

"F*ck off!!" says he "and stop wasting my time!"

"...but I think it might be victorian." says I

"It's your cold water tank - Now F*ck Off!!!"

Why did fans avoid the front row seats at this years Snooker Championships? The queues were too long.

I remember when I was little, lying down with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and went.

What do Arsenal and Batman have in common? They just don't work without Robin.

So, Kim Jong Il has died. For those stupid people who don't keep up with current affairs, she was the leader of North Korea.

Grab your taco love, you've just pulled a dyslexic Mexican.