It looks like that at the moment with the amount of Brazilians (nationals!) swanning about .. I work on a Cruise Ship.

I particularly like the use of peninsular when island would be the more obvious choice. Peninsular suggests that there is a way out of this illogical thought process. Clever!

A few months back, one of our directors went "freelance" and set up his own venture. This is the sort of nonsense that is on his website:

In the "What we do" section:



In the "How we do it" section:

Quote usiness name comprises an harmonious elite membership of visionaries, luminaries, communicators and influencers, all of whom have been forwarded and seconded by the inner circle.
'"

No, I haven't got a fecking clue either....

I'd be tempted email them just to say "so, what do you do then please?"

No idea why you've taken the company name out, a quick google throws up one site with that particular brand of bull.

Although, having looked through the entire website I still don't know what they actually do, albeit anonymously.

Just looked on their site too. Ridiculous!

Just had a quick peek myself. Three words...

What. The. Feck?

We had a sales manager from the US and at one meeting we put together a PowerPoint version of This is Your Life. He had a lot of sayings that we collected over the years and we called them his "Principles". Here ar just a few ( and he really said these),

Facts not known to me are irrelevant.

There are 50 million photocopiers in the world and I sold all of them.

There is no such word as No.

You have to fail to succeed.

If it's a good idea it's mine, if it's a bad idea it's yours.

All customers are a$$$holes.

"Great Ones " don't suck.

Finance: =#BF0000[i"You're currently making how much?"[/i

Manager: [i"About £30,000 per week on average"[/i

Finance: =#BF0000[i"And how many staff?"[/i

Manager:[i "12"[/i

Finance:=#FF0000 [i"With all your staff do you think you could make, say, £45,000 in a week?"[/i

Manager: [i"Oh, yeah - sure!"[/i (Nodding vigorously)

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

2 weeks later ....

<telephone rings>

Had cause to speak to someone at our train operating company the other day - he used so much internal jargon it was ridiculous - given that I was a member of the public. The one that made me laugh was "timeline" which came up several times - more or less each sentence. I think "timeline" referred to the fact that I us passengers had been S**t on because they couldn't get a message from a to b quickly enough. In other words, it wasn't really their fault it was the "timeline".

my boss just sent me an email with the following sentence in:

"we are currently leading the development of cross-client enabling operation capability."

What a he must be!

"I want to share this with you"

there I was expecting a piece of kitkat or something and this fellow starts spouting his great idea. I said to him why didn't you just say I've got an idea and he replied that wouldn't be sharing. Still don't know what he was on about and his idea was crap.

I have American colleagues who don't "get in touch", "phone" or "contact" anyone ... noooo, they "reach out".
Every time I see or hear the phrase, I hear The Four Tops in my head.

Oh, yeah, and we don't "inform" anyone, we "call it out" to people.

I am thinking of changing my name to "Who's just joined?".
On conference calls I could cause havoc.

"There's light at the end of the tunnel."

Every phone call..."Hello Rob speaking"

Also, if he asks anybody to stay behind for longer, he'll always say "it'll benefit your upskilling". His most used line is "is it will or skill?".

He's also one for quotations, often saying "A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner", sometimes changing sea to race and mariner to jockey.

You MUST work for the same mob I do

Yes I know you've got 20 extra hours on your rota but we're plaiting fog here with all the sickness so you'll have to do it!

Well, sorry but stop trying to plait fog and try recruiting staff who are up to the job instead!

or

We really appreciate how hard you've worked over the last few months

really meaning, we don't know what we'd have done without you because no one else would take that one on and it made us a lot of money, sorry we can only pay you the normal e wage but there ya go

"Let's come at this with a blue sky thinking approach"

and a more common one that I totally over use is to add ".... in the first instance" onto the end of everything.