A man who slipped and fell into an upholstery machine is now said to be fully recovered.

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church you daft bugger"
His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"
Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said 'No, I've got china in my hand

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.
tommy cooper ... legend

Hi Tim

Those were around before Tim was even a twinkle in his daddies eye...

Cooper really was a genius if he was cracking gags about songs that were only released three years after he'd died...

good spot pal . It was on his list of jokes on the tinternet aswell .

you can tell its a tim joke when the first joke starts with "so i was............"

Just watched him on netflix for the first time , very funny but not in the same league as mr cooper .

Zookeeper says to Paddy " the gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it, would you consider shagging it for £500 ?"
Paddy replies "I will on three conditions, 1st i'm not going to kiss it, 2nd my family must never know and 3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together"

******************

My wife was standing nude in front of the mirror, she was not happy with what she saw and she said to me "I feel horrible, I feel fat and ugly and I really need you to pay me a big compliment"
I replied " Well, your eyesight is damn near perfect"
and that's when the fight started....

Bob Monkhouse:

People used to laugh when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now!

My scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes from the internet.
I asked which website he saw it on.
He replied 'Google earth'

It's 20 years (together) for me and Mrs G, in a couple of weeks time, and I've just been thinking back to our first 9 dates, which were 8 meals and a visit to the pictures to see a super hero film. So that's









dinner
dinner
dinner
dinner
dinner
dinner
dinner
dinner
batman









I'm REALLY sorry. I've got me coat.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club
......is that you do not talk, articulate, babble, broach, chant, chat, chatter, comment on, communicate, confess, converse, describe, divulge, drawl, drone, express, flap one's tongue, gab, babble, give voice to, gossip, influence, intone, notify, palaver, parlay, patter, persuade, prate, prattle, pronounce, reveal, rhapsodize, run on, say, sing, soliloquize, speak, spill the beans, spout, squeak, squeal, talk one's leg off, tell, tell all, use, utter, ventriloquize, verbalize, voice or yak about Thesaurus Club.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger..
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

The joke here is that you found an Irishman who did not know about golf (or any sport).

God job he wasn't Asian



the accent was all wrong

Strangely, I heard every Irish joke in the years 1965 - 1977 as a "Wiganer ...".

Then in rugby terms, the joke was on us.

I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

( i'll get my coat)

A man is up in court for murder. The Judge reads out the charges, "You are accused of beating your wife to death with a hammer'. A voice pipes up from the back, 'What a tw@'. The Judge continues, 'You are also accused of beating your daughter to death with a hammer'. The same voice cries from the back, 'You Effing B*stard'.
The judge, who is not very happy with this beccons the man to the front of court, 'Now I know that this case may be distressing but with outbursts like that I could do you with contempt of court, now explain yourself immediatley'. The man at the back steps up, 'Well your honour, I've lived next door to the accused for the past 20 years and every time I've asked to borrow a hammer, he says he hasn't got one'.


I'm here all week.

Why not get Tim Vine's coat, while you're at it


only joking

Is that a vine joke too ? Ive only ever watched one of his stand up sets tbh