What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot? Ones an Australian Marsupial the others a Geordie stuck in a lift. 

Mrs G has just told me, she'd rather go on holiday ALONE to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogochuchaf, rather than go abroad with me.

I don't know how she can say that.

There where no pedos in my day , No! In my day you had buy you own sweets and ask you mum for a puppy.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a birdMoses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:




'Mom...you still awake?'

It's my Scouse nephew's birthday tomorrow, so as a surprise, I've put £10 in his nan's purse.

Olympic Update:

Today, the Polish took gold, silver and bronze.

As well as copper, lead, steel and any other scrap metal they could find.

Chinese swimming coach states that results have improved immeasurably since the dismal performances at Morecambe 2004.

Somalia have been chucked out of the olympics, apparently they didn't know sailing and shooting were two different events

Latest results in the yachting
Great Briatain take gold
New Zealand take silver
and the Somalians have taken a middle-aged couple from Weymouth

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact on the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,



'Oh Mum! You don't have to worry your head about that! I'm dating Susan!'

'kin 'ell!!!!
Yorkshire's won loads of medals at The Olympics, and they've still got chance of another gold in Peter Sutcliffe with the hammer



I'll get me coat

Tell the 1970's I said 'hello'.

Liam Gallagher, Russell Brand, George Michael, Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell...
... it's a good job they don't do drug tests for the closing ceremony.

[i(thanks to Sickipedia)[/i

BREAKING NEWS:

RVP has failed his medical at Man United. Doctors say its a back problem which was caused by carrying Arsenal for the past year

So you can use polish and somali's in a joke but cant use the word pakistani ?

Have go at the Germans or the French.

They are safe. You can insult them as much as you like. Especially the Germans.

Just dont mention the war haha

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

2 tommy cooper classics

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.


Later that night......... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Two boys were kicking a rugby ball around in the park when one was attacked by a Rottweiler. As the dog held the boy by the throat the other boy quickly picked up a nearby branch, pushed it through the dog's collar and twisted it until he snapped the dog's neck.

A passing newspaper reporter witnessed the incident and ran to the boys and told them he was going to put the lad's bravery on the front page.
"I see the headline now, 'Leeds fan saves pal' "
"But I'm not a Leeds fan" said the lad.
"How about 'Bulls fan is a hero' "
"But I don't support Bradford either, I'm a KR fan."

The next day the paper ran the headline:
"Hull b------d kills family pet"

I've recently joined an incredibly neat, tidy and fussy Rock tribute band......OC/DC!!