[size=200TWELVE TV GAFFS[/size

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have toleave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

Oh and No13 by cricketing legend John Arlett

" The bowlers Holding, the batsmans Willey "

It's been on here before, but search the tube for long stabby thing.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the lads. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the amber nectar went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit pi$$ed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals twelve cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 'MIDNIGHT'. She didn't seem annoyed in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Why did the scarecrow win the top award?

Because he was the best in his field.




A murderer and a woman are walking through the woods. She stops and says 'Its dark, I'm scared', to which he replies 'Your scared? I've got to find my way back on my own'.

Was that off a lolly stick?

Nah, the lolly stick company rejected it

Testicle Therapy.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately went to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

The BBC have just announced that they are not going to show the full funeral of Vidal Sasoon, but will show the highlights

had to go to a mates funeral this afternoon
he died when he was struck on the head with a tennis ball
it was a lovely service

I was browsing the local paper for the football scores. There were some interesting ones in the Musketeer League - all 4-1.....and one 4 all!!

A man went into a shoe shop and bought one boot and one trainer. The store clerk asked why. The man replied 'the weather forecasted one foot of snow'.

Little lad is shagging his sister, he says " you're better than me mam", the little girl replies, " I know, me dad said".

Those long winter evenings in Wigan, eh

they thought the bloke that invented the tv remote had died, but he turned up safe and sound - he was stuck down the back of the sofa.

I heard they revived him by switching the batteries around in his pacemaker and bashing him against the coffee table .

The funeral for the inventor of the Hokey Cokey was delayed by a hour yesterday when the funeral parlour had problems getting him in his coffin. They put his left leg in and thats when the problems started



I know, the old ones are the best

Nice one.

Joey Barton is planning to join a new club this summer. He can't say which one, its first rule is you don't talk about it

Just heard a news flash on the radio, the local hospital is reporting an unusual occurrence in the maternity department. A child has been born with both female and male organs:

a vagina and a brain

Drogba leaving Chelsea has forced redundancies at the club. 4 medical staff, 2 stretcher bearers and their drama teacher have all been released.

The England team visited an orphanage in Poland today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Igor, aged 6.

I took 2 stuffed dogs onto Antiques Roadshow. 'Oohh ' said the presenter 'these are a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?'

'Sticks?', I replied.