Mudd.........and I know for a fact that[i "That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right...."[/i!!

God asked Whitney 'what do you miss most' she replied 'the crack'

So god sent for Frank Carson to keep her company.

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you £50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette £50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

What's six inches long and didn't get sucked on Valentines Day ?
Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

I didn't believe my wife when she told me Davy Jones had died this evening, but then i saw her face, now i'm a believer.

Congrats on being the first, super quick

February 29th.

The only day that a man doesn't want to see a woman on her knees in front of him.

Cheers!

Edited for comedic effect!!

Sounds more Chinese

The innocent children of Africa, their childhoods stolen, ripped from the arms of their crying parents. Soon unable to defend themselves they must learn to shoot, whilst a baying mob of savages cheer them on. Most will never learn to read or write, there are no medals for these brave lost causes, no victory, no respite. We must make the world aware, we must not turn our back....

ARSENE WENGER 2012.

A Glaswegian lad takes his new girlfriend home to meet his father,
''This is Amanda,''
His father says'
''Its a f***in' wha?!''

There was a burglary last night, at the Agoraphobia HQ

Police think it's an inside job.

Wayne Rooney has just visited Fabrice Mwamba in hospital.

"Great news. He's started to string a few words together", said Fabrice.

GOLF ETHICS QUESTION

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes.
You had the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.
Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.
Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says, "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.
About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods, "I found it!".
The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more
than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating barstewards ball out of your pocket and confront him with it, or do you keep your mouth shut..?

Being told that they had discovered a cure for dyslexia was like music to my ar$e.

[uA couple a Yorkshire gags[/u

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides
to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

Yorkshireman goes to the doctors as his 'rear-end' is giving him trouble!
The doctor examines him and says:
"It would appear you are suffering from piles. Now I could prescribe something for you, but as I know you are - how shall I put this? - a fan of a bargain, I'd say you'd be better off just asking the chemist for an 'over the counter' remedy.....there are a number of ointments available that will ease your troubles!"

The chap nips across the road to the chemist.

"Ey up lad - as tha got any ar[is[/ie cream?"

"We have Sir" came the reply "You'll find them in that cabinet on you left - we've got Magnums, Cornettos, screwballs........."

A Yorkshireman' s wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should only contain her name, the dates of her birth and death, and the simple epitaph "Lord, she were thine" engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look. When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "Lord, she were thin."
"You bluddy fool - you've left the 'e' out!!"
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified immediately, and, by way of an apology, they shall install the headstone at his late wife's grave at no extra charge.
A few days later the stonemason phones to say the stone is now corrected, and has been installed. The Yorkshireman hot-foots it over to the cemetary to take a look. He finds the plot, and gazes upon the headstone.....which now reads "E Lord, she were thin".

Blonde text's her husband one winter morning 'windows frozen, will not open'

Husband text's back 'pour some luke warm water over it'

10 minutes later blonde text's back 'think the computer is really f@cked now"

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for £100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for £1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for £10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, £10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"

Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in our family."

Doctor: "No, the problem is that no-one runs in your family."

Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.

Took a bird home last night with Eczema, she had a cracking pair of t!ts.

Three little ducks go into a Bar......

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'