I see the new Margaret Thatcher movie, "Iron Lady" has been classified PG, apparently it's not suitable for miners.

What has glasses and ruins your life? The bar I met my wife in.

A man walks on to an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a minute he turns to her and asks "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust, and says "Certainly not." Oh," replies the man "It must be your feet then."

My nextdoor neighbour has just knocked on my door saying she thinks someone has been stealing her underwear off the washing line ..... I almost shat her knickers

Now that Blacks have gone into administration is this our winter of discount tent ?

What's the difference between Big Brother and Celebrity Big Brother?

Nothing.

Bob Holness hasn't been in Heaven two minutes and already Amy Winehouse is pestering him with "Can I have an E please Bob?"

Divers searching the stricken liner Costa Concordia have found two Glaswegians in the bar.

They told the divers to f*ck off, they're on All Inclusive.

Just bought a raffle ticket to win a cruise in the Mediterranean.
Last Weeks Was A Rollover...

In bed watching the telly . There was a bulletin about the Costa Concordia and the presenter mentioned that it was lying on it's side with a gash the size of a tennis court . I just happened to glance at the wife . Boy did she kick off .

The reason there are no male Agony Aunts:

[iDear Jim,
Last week I left for work as normal but having only gone a mile my car broke down. So, I walked home again and, arriving unexpectedly, I found my 16yr old babysitter handcuffed to the bed, in her school uniform, with my husband bent over her!
I am devastated. Could you offer me any advice please?
Sally[/i

[iDear Sally,
A common cause for this is dirt in your carburettor. Try to avoid letting your fuel level to drop too low in the tank.
Hope this helps
JIM[/i

I phoned a toy shop earlier.
"Do you have any Airfix models of Italian Cruise liners?" I asked.
"Yes, we've got one in stock" says the assistant.
"Excellent" says I. "Can you put it on one side for me?"

When I was young I asked my mother
What will I be ?
Wil I be pretty ?
Will I be rich ?
Here's what she said to me .....

I think we should have a chat son .

George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken Italian liner saying . . .
'I'm often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom and dead seamen inside me after a nights cruising...

The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill.

After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should chose an Italian ship.

“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” said Churchill.

“First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first”.

TERROR THREAT LEVELS
THE ENGLISH are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats & have therefore raised there security level from "MIFFED" to "PEEVED". Soon, though levels may be raised yet again to "IRRITATED" or even "A BIT CROSS"
THE ENGLISH have not been "A BIT CROSS" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorised from "TIRESOME" to "A BLOODY NUISANCE". The last time the "BLOODY NUISANCE" warning level was used was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

THE SCOTS have raised there threat level from "PISSED OFF" to "LETS GET THE B@STARDS". They don't have any other levels. This is why they have been used in the front line of the British Army for the last 300 years.

THE FRENCH Government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from "RUN" to "HIDE". The only two higher levels in France are "COLLABORATE" & "SURRENDER".The rise was precipitated by a recent fire in that destroyed France`s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country`s military.

ITALY has increased the alert level from "SHOUT LOUDLY & EXCITEDLY" to "ELABORATE MILITARY POSTURING".Two more levels remain: "INEFFECTIVE COMBAT OPERATIONS" and "CHANGE SIDES".

THE GERMANS have increased there alert state from "DISDAINFUL ARROGANCE" to "DRESS IN UNIFORMS & SING MARCHING SONGS". They also have two higher levels "INVADE A NEIGHBOUR" and "LOSE".

BELGIANS on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual: the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

THE SPANISH are all excited to see there new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really close look at the old Spanish Navy.

AUSTRALIA, Meanwhile, has raised its security level from "NO WORRIES" to "SHE`LL BE ALRIGHT MATE" . Two more escalation levels remain: "CRIKEY I THINK WE`LL HAVE TO CANCEL THE BARBIE THIS WEEKEND" and "THE BARBIE'S CANCELLED".So far no situation has ever warranted the final escalation level.

I think you have posted in the wrong thread, this is the Jokes Thread.

Keep the faith Peg. Law of averages. Somebody will post a funny joke on this thread, sometime this year.

Sorry, I forgot the fact that you were the most hilarious person on these boards.

My father was a victim of his own success. His trophy cabinet collapsed on him.


I made contact with my ex-wife for the first time in 2 years yesterday. ... Well, it sounds better than slapped.

A very kind acknowledgement.

I mean, I don't even know when I'm being funny half the time.

Fair do' s Sibbs, WIZEB always makes the girls laugh. When he drops his trousers!

I thought we were friends.

A Government warning said anyone travelling in snowy/icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, a 24hr supply of food and drinks, de-icer, rock salt, a torch, spare batteries, a safety triangle, tow rope, jump leads, spare fuel can, first aid kit, and Hi-viz clothing.


I looked a right fool on the bus this morning!!

BBC News: Fabio Capello resigns from the England job. An Italian abandoning a sinking ship, who would have thought it?