Bill Kenwright has announced that due to the coin throwing in last Saturday's derby, David Moyes now has £3.76 to spend in the January transfer window....

Wayne Rooney has said how gutted he is about being sent off in the 32nd minute in Englands game tonight.

The pervert wards of all Englands prisons will be watching England's match tonight, after Cappello announced both Young and Bent will be playing

Now if you'd said 20 minutes from the end..............

fair effort, you were only 40 minutes out

10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.

Now we have no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash.

Steve McBanana walks into his local Burger King and says "Give me two whoppers"

So the girl on the till says "O.K. England are going to win the 4 nations, and Michael McIlorum is international class"

This one from my daughter. Why did spock visit the toilet? He wanted to see the captains log

Paul McCartney has had his first row with his new wife. He has complained she is spending twice as much on shoes as his last one!!!

"What did one BlackBerry user say to the other BlackBerry user? Nothing.

A bloke goes into a Fancy Dress shop and the shop assistant holds out an England Rugby Union kit for him. He says no no i said i want to look like a count not a C.

Finish it yourselfs.

Was walking in the Tesco entrance earlier, when I read their motto, 'Why Pay More?'

"Good point," I thought... "Asda it is then."

Everybody is raving about, 'The only way is Essex.'
Personally I prefer, 'The only way is Liverpool...'

Or Crimewatch as it's better known.

I hate some of the excuses women come up with for not having sex. Like:

"I'm on my period."

"I've got a headache."

Or

"Get your hands off my neck I don't even know you."

Sex is for people who can't afford Xbox Live membership.

Side-splittingly funny...

Sorry to anyone who may find this offensive but I thought it was quite funny.

The government have advised people to watch out that they're not being sold fake 2012 Olympic tickets.

I think I'll be alright though. My tickets for the men's wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough.

Man City are set to welcome back Carlos Tevez to the first-team squad. A spokesman said: "Halloween just wouldn't be the same without him."

I bought that new 'Best of Carlos Tevez' DVD

But it wouldn't play

Actualy I found that very funny.

Are you in training mate?

I am having trials for Leigh at the moment. Managed to kick a rugby ball about 10 foot and stayed on my feet, they didn't seem too impressed with me until I said I would play for nowt and then they thrust a contract in my face.