me and the wife went to Madame Tussauds last year,we went to the Chamber of Horrors and one of the members of staff whispered in my ear 'would you please keep your wife moving sir because we're stocktaking'...

circa 1968

My neighbour Bill told me yesterday that Hazel his wife after 15 years of being a happily married couple had left him.
I asked Bill had there been an argument or was she seeing another bloke he replied no nothing like that all she said was that she was just going down to the local shop for some milk and I haven't seen her since I said Bill thats awful are you coping all right oh yes replied Bill I'm doing fine I've got some of that powdered stuff.

Not very good Geoff. I got a small nick on my ear from a cupboard door in the summer which has never healed properly. Been to the DRI today and was told a piece of my ear about the size of a 5 pence piece would have to be cut out followed by a skin graft and to keep covered against the sun in the future. Ive had more lumps taken out of me playing sport and working in the mines it came as a bit of a shock from such a minor accident. Will have to watch the Summer games with factor 50 on.

a husband arrives home unexpectedly early from work and finds his wife in bed with a midget,'what's all this then ? I thought you had stopped having affairs ?' he said - the wife replied 'I know and i'm sorry but I am TRYING to cut down'.....

The new season can't come sooon enough!

I bought my wife a new cookery book for her birthday unfortunately she got stuck at the first paragraph which read "and take a clean pan"

Feeling sorry for her I then bought her a new kitchen timer
A Smoke Alarm

husband & wife who were ardent churchgoers went to see their local vicar - the husband said 'I have a problem,every time my wife puts herself in an erotic type position I get the uncontrollable urge to rip her clothes off and make mad passionate love,for example,the other day she was bending over to get something out of the freezer wearing a mini skirt and I had this sudden urge' the vicar turns to the wife and asks 'I can see this could be tricky for you,are you offended by this action ?' she replies no,not at all but my husband seems to think it's some kind of sinful act what with us being good christians etc'.the vicar reassures the couple and says 'well,as long as no one is hurt and it's done in the name of love,I can't see any problem'
The husband then says 'so vicar,you won't be banning us from church then ?' vicar replies ' no,of course not,why should I ?' the husband replies 'cos' the b***rds banned us from Tescos'...

I think people have been opening their crackers a bit early, or opening Sid Littles early

me and the wife went out for an indian last night,the waiter came up to us and asked 'Curry ok ?' I replied 'yes,just one song then go away'...

Ever since it's been snowing my wife has just been stood looking through the living room window, if it gets any worse i will have to let her come indoors!

A work colleague told me today that he wasn't going to buy his wife a Christmas present this year I asked him if there was any particular reason why, he replied well she hasn't used the present I bought for her last Christmas, out of curiosity I asked him what was the present he bought for her last year he replied "A Plot in the Cemetery"

an elderly married couple went to see their GP - the GP asked 'well,Mr & Mrs Roebuck (no relation) what brings you here ?' Mr Roebuck explains 'it's rather a delicate matter actually doctor what it is that me and my wife no longer get any pleasure from sex' the doctor rather embarassed hesitantly says 'yes,well ok,erm..can you just remind me of your age Mr Roebuck ?' the husband duly replies 'well doctor i'm 98 years old' The doctor turns to Mrs Roebuck and asks the same question as diplomatically as possible and she answers 'well doctor i'm 97 years old and we've been happily married for 75 years,we have six children,31 grandchidren and 4 great grandchildren'
The doctor rather embarrasingly says 'yes ok,so you are both in your late nineties ahem,but you say you don't errm get any pleasure out of sex,is that correct ?'
Mr Roebuck says 'yes that's correct doctor' - the doctor,never having been faced with this tricky problem asks delicately 'when was the last time you realised you had this problem ?' - The couple chatted for a few seconds and Mr Roebuck replied ' well doctor,it was once yesterday morning,twice last night and once again this morning'...

Chap at home, watching telly when there's a knock at the door. He opens it, only to be faced by a policeman. 'It's your wife, looks like she's been in a car crash' says the policeman. 'I know' says the man, 'but she's got a great personality'.

Me & my wife took our grandson Peter shopping in Leeds last week as we were driving towards the city centre Peter read out a roadside sign he had spotted (St Gemma's Hospice One Mile) he said Grandad whats an hospice? I replied about two gallons.

Here are a few things for you to ponder

Do step ladders have real parents?

What do occasional tables do the rest of the time?

Why is abbreviations such a long word?

Why is there only one monopolies commision?

Why do they fit frosted glass to areoplane toilet windows?

In American when they give a convicted prisoner a lethal injection why do they sterlize the needle?

me and my good lady were in bed the other night and I was stroking various parts of her back trying to get some kind of 'favourable' response - 'ahh,what ARE you doing ?' she replied
I said ' well dear i'm trying to find your Erogenous Zones' - she replied 'I thought they were somewhere near the Equator'...

South of the equator actually.

wherever they are,i've yet to find them after thirty years of marriage ! - can anyone offer me any advice ?

A woman's most erogenous zone his her purse.
Put your fingers in there and she will go wild.

can't find the key to the padlock mate (she's a jock !)