No crap jokes please!

Shagged a deaf and dumb girl last night. Felt a bit embarrassed about it this morning, so I broke her fingers so she couldn't tell anyone!

[size=15012 of the best unintentional double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:[/size


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'


2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'


3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is the beautiful Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'


4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'


5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'


6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'


7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'


9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '


10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'


11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'


12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

another one off TV I cant remember who said it but,

"the batsmans Holding, the bolers willie"

that was classic brian johnson

Neil was about to go on his first date, so he asked his brother, the ladies man, for advice. "Give me some tips on how to talk to them."

"Here's the secret," said his brother, "Nice girls like to talk about three things: food, family, and philosophy. If you ask a girl what she likes to eat, it shows your intentions are honourable.
If you discuss philosophy, it shows you respect her intelligence."

"Gee, thanks," said Neil. "Food, family, philosophy. I can handle that."

That night as he met the young lady, Neil blurted out,

"Do you like cabbage?"

"Uh, no," said the puzzled girl.

"Do you have a brother?" asked Neil.

"No"

"Well, if you had a brother, would he like cabbage?"




Two elderly women meet at the solicitors after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

In response

A drunken man having had a bit to much to drink got up and said ''all HullFC fans are a$$holes''
Another man accross the bar says '' i resent that''
the first man then said'' why are you a HullFC fan?''
the second man replide'' no im an a$$hole'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Tesco.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

lmao

Heres a cracker !!! viewtopic.php?t=433724

Heres a cracker !!! viewtopic.php?t=433724

Quote ="MR BOJANGLES"Heres a cracker !!! viewtopic.php?t=433724 '" They are a bunch of mongs

Quote ="MR BOJANGLES"Heres a cracker !!! viewtopic.php?t=433724 '" They are a bunch of mongs

I'm sure I've posted this somewhere before on here but here goes...

A woman asked a barman for a [idouble entendre[/i so he gave her one.


ba-dum tish

There's a man sitting in the front row at the Super League Grand Final, but amazingly, there's an empty seat beside him. Another man spots it, goes up to him and says: "Do you mind if I sit here?"

"No, not at all," replies the first man. "It's my wife's seat, but she died recently.."

"So why didn't you get one of your family to come," asks the second man out of curiosity.









"They're all at the funeral."

An East Hull schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a KR fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are KR fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a KR fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a KR fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am an Hull FC fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why are you an FC fan?" "Because my mum is an FC fan, and my dad is an FC fan, so I'm an FC fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be an FC. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"












"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a KR fan."

Statistically....6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.




My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fooking red mark on her forehead.





Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.

After complaints, the makers of cluedo have now included one black character........

no i've bottled it, i'm not gonna put the punchline in



good joke though

[size=42So now you only have to work out where and how he did it?[/size

I wasn't sure how you'd take the punchline, so I've made it smaller so that it's optional to read.



Bouncing off you cluedo joke:

Cluedo must be fun in Buckingham Palace.

Do you reckon anyone is brave enough to go "It was Prince Philip in the Tunnel with the M.I.6"?

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat.

Not an unusual habit on a hot day.

So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is.

“The blind man,” a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind.

He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, “Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?”

Thats the one

Are you Grafton Red as in Liverpool or Grafton as in Newland Ave ??? Sorry to go o/t

as in Newland ave, second home....but the wife may disagree

And also statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

statistically... 10 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape, when her secret is aids.

Kill Youth Culture playing round corner from you mate at Adelphi 30th Oct - worth checking out (hoping to get there myself).