Patient: Doctor I keep thinking I'm a cowboy!

Doctor: How long as this been happening?

Patient: About a Yeaarrgh!

A bloke takes his dog to a theatrical agent claiming his dog can talk.
"O.k., give me proof " says the agent.
Bloke to dog,Whats sandpaper like?"
Dog. "Ruff"
Agent says he needs better proof than that.
"O.K" says the bloke to his dog "whats on top of an house?"
Dog. "Roof"
Agent kicks them both out,as they are walking along the dog looks at the bloke and says "Do you think I should have said tiles?"

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes. There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too." "No, a straw," says the Tramp. The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick. To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

Ultimate phone prank: 1. Call the ChildLine number and say 'I've just dialed 1471 and this number came up, who is this?' 2. Operator replies 'you're through to ChildLine.' 3. You shout 'TERRY YOU LITTLE TW@, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE BA5TARD''. Before hanging up the phone.

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath. I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.

What kind of bee's produce milk?






































































BooBee's!!

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very
shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 3 10 [small a 3 20[medium or a 3 30[large.
The word condom won’t even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a big black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "3 50"..

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between
his legs. "Yes "!!!! She said “He’s got one hanging there"....!

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50......................He's
the Window cleaner"!!!!!!!

The police rang me up the other day and said some one has broke in to your house drank all your beer and raped your missus , I said I cant believe they shagged our lass after only 3 cans ....... (I'll get me coat)

Whats Brown and Sticky.

[size=30A stick[/size

Is it Harvey Price after eating a toffee Apple?

a man said to his wife "when i wake up in the morning and see your face its like winning the lottery" his wife said "you feel like a millionare" he said no i wish you had rolled over

Paddy goes running into the house and shouts murphy murphy I've just seen someone pinching your car . Murphy says did you see who it was or get a description ? Paddy says no but I got the reg number .

Bloke goes into the Doctors and says "Doctor, everytime i masturbate i sing Red Red Robin"

"Not to worry" replies the Doctor "Thousands of W*nkers sing that"

I was round this birds house the other night giving her a good seeing too when a car pulled up outside and keys rattled in the door lock

Quick, she said, use the backdoor

I should have run, but that offer was too good to turn down

"Velcro, what a rip off."

Tim Vine has some absolute belters.

"I've got a friend who has a butler whose left arm is missing. Serves him right"
"one arm butlers... They can take it but they can't dish it out"

once you go bald

there's no growing back

Paddy goes to see Murphy who has just come out of hospital after breaking his leg.
`How you doing` asks Paddy
`Not too bad` replies Murphy `toes are cold can you slip upstairs and get me slippers`
So Paddy goes upstairs and as he walks past Murphy`s twin daughters bedroom he see`s them both lying there naked on the bed and goes in.
`Hello girls` he says
`What are you doing in here`the first one shreeks
`Yer dad has sent me up to fook yer both` he says.
`Fook off` the second snaps
`If yer don`t believe me then listen` Paddy says and shouts down to Murphy `Both of em Murph`
and the reply comes back `YES, WHATS THE USE OF FOOKING ONE`

Jeremy Forrest has just updated his Facebook relationship status to "It's complicated".

Whats the difference between a egg and a w@nk?
You can beat an egg

What do you tell a woman with a black eye?
Nothing,you've told her once.

a man had 5 penises, and his trousers fitted like a glove

man in pub asks his mate....do you like women with big saggy boobs?
mate replies ......no i dont
man......do you like women with big fat s?
mate replies.......no i dont
man......or do you like women with smelly fannys?
mate replies....no i dont
man says......so why are you shagging my wife then?

My wife wants me to leave home she says "your obession with only fools and horses is ruining our relationship and I want you to leave the house "

I said "OK I'll get my suitcase from the van "...................