A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Already heard it.

I was driving when my boss rang me and said good news , you've been promoted to assistant manager. I almost swerved the car. He rang again a few minutes later and said even better news you're the new manager! This time I did swerve I was so shocked. He then rang again and said that he'd been sacked and I was the new MD!!! I drove straight off the road into a ditch.
When the police arrived they said , what happened?
I said I careered off the road!!

I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.

Man says to girlfriend in an intimate moment,

"Can I smell your pussy"

She replied "No you certainly can't"

to which he retorted

"Oh it must be your feet then!"

130k for McDonnell.

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
Into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

... 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
Great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me
From the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f**kin' liar......

I think I keep hearing the ghost of Robin Gibb at the bottom of my garden.



It's either that or it's jus the chives talking...

I went to a zoo the other day and all they had was one cage with a dog in it.

It was a shihtzu.

My old man got done for theft, he kept stealing for lollipop ladies at school crossings.

I should have seen it coming, all the signs were there....

tommy cooper classicsA guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.

A bloke was ing his secretary up the when his wife walks in...
She said "You can't do this to me"
He said, "I know, that's why i'm doing it to her"

My friends call me Captain Obvious.
It's because I'm always pointing out the obvious.

My girlfriend was putting sun cream on.

"Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.

"Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."

"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"

And that was all the invitation I needed...

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes.

My girlfriend left me last week, she said I was too passive and I didn't stick up for myself enough.
I can't argue with that.

My girlfriend said she was going to break up with me for being a control freak.
But, I told her not to.


A lot of men don't grasp the importance of conversation in a relationship. You should never stop talking.
Because the moment you do, she starts.

I am going on the channel 4 programme Embarrasing Bodies soon.............



I have one testicle bigger then the other two.........

two lesbians sat in the bath.

one says , wheres the soap?.

the other one says , yes..doesn't it.....

was telling my pal the other day,that my wife said she was going for a bottle of milk,that was a week ago,and she`s not back yet.how are you coping he asked ,oh,not bad ,i said,i`m using that powered milk.

chap looks out of his window,and sees two men with picks and shovels,one digs a hole and the other one filled it in.this went on right down the street,so he went out and asked why one was digging a hole and the other one filling it in?well the problem is,the guy whose supposed to put the tree in called in sick.

Shirley rings Simon Bates on radio 1 asking for a song on "our tune" for her and her husband Billy.
Simon says he needs a bit of a story so Shirley proceeds to tell him they got married really young. "Mmm, need a bit more than that Shirley" says Simon. "Billy lost his job in Hull" she says. "Could do with a bit more of a story Shirley" says Simon.
"Well we moved to York and he got a job in the Nestle factory, and unfortunately he died in an accident at work"
"Thats more like it" says Simon, "how did he die?"
"he fell into one of the chocolate vats" says Shirley.
"Oh yes! we can certainly do you a slot on our tune Shilrley, which song would you like?"

"can we have Billy don't be an Aero? please Simon".

Snoop Dogg's the producer on Chas n Dave's new single.

It's called Knees up Motherf***er

You would think a maths teacher should know that 30 into 15 does not go!

newly married couple on their wedding night,bride says,i have something to confess,what is it ,he asks,bride,i was a hooker before i met you,he says,i can forgive you for that,thank you she says,but i was a hooker with hull kr.

Patient - "doctor I keep thinking im Tom Jones, is that very common"?
Doctor - "it's not unusual"