teacher asks 2 kids to explain meaning of the word contagious,1st one says my brother has swine flu hes contagious,very good says teacher,2nd one says when morgan took over at kr my dad said it will take that contagious to win any trophies

be quicker than Agar though!

i got it about agar but didnt find it funny so i changed it

mick and paddy reading head stones near a church,mick says fu-k theres a bloke here who was 152,paddy says what was his surname?mick says it was miles from london.

Honestly!some people will take offence at anything!i met a bloke with no legs at the bus stop this morning and all i said was....

how you getting on

After having a nice 69 with his wife, Brian remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid the dentist would notice the smell of fannie on his breath so he brushed his teethed, flossed and had a swig of Listerine.
As he arrived at the dentist, he ate a packet of extra strong mints, just to make sure.
His turn came up and he took a seat in the dentist chair, feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide, the dentist got close and said "did u have a 69 before u came here”?
Brian says " how do u know? does my breath smell like fannie?"
the dentist replied " no , you have a skidmark on your forehead"

When asked if he preferred legs or breast, paddy said he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies. He was informed this wasn't an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket.

Saw a rovers supporter drowning in the river Humber, So i contacted the emergency services. I hope they saved him, otherwise i would be a waste of a second class stamp.

quality

My wife just found ou she was adopted. She was devastated, and kept asking, why didnt they want me? I took her in my arms and comforted her. After a while still crying she kissed me and asked me to make love to her. In hindsight , taking her passionately from behind, shouting "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?! wasnt a good idea.

going to use that

Sorry.

After the death of his husband, Matt Lucas is going through his most recent fan mail. One such letter is especially touching

"I'm very sorry to hear about your sad loss. I realise that this is not the best time to say this, but I just wanted to tell you how much I love you, and that I think you are so very attractive and cuddly. You see, you remind me of my late wife

Yours Jack Tweed"

Two cowboys got off their horses in town.As they tied them to the rail,one walked round to the back of his horse,lifted its tail,and kissed it on the rse.
"Say Tex" asked his friend,"Why did you do
that?"

"Waall pardner,I have got chapped lips."

"Does that cure it?"

"No, but it sure as hell stops me licking them!"

Paddy goes into a wine shop and asks if they sell Ellesmere port.

and did they?

Man stopped by cops on the M1 after being clocked doing 120mph, cop says give me 1 good reason for that speed? Man says, 2 months ago my wife ran off with a traffic cop and i saw you behind me and i thought you were bringing her back!

Police arrested me last and questioned me for an hour
one copper asked me "why do you keep beating my wife up?"
so i said honestly "because i have a longer reach and better foot work than her"

What did the epileptic Scotsman get for xmas?

A Wee Fit!

Bloke says to his mate, "I've been taking steroids and i've grown an extra cock". His mate says, "Anabolic"? And the bloke says, "No, just a cock"!!

Why do hippos make love under water?




Ever tried keeping a 9lb clitoris wet?

I had a mate who was suicidal, he was really depressed, so i pushed him in front of a steam train.
he was chuffed to bits.

A young German boy has not spoken since birth. Despite many visits to specialists they can neither find anything physically preventing him from talking nor any psychoogical reason. On his tenth birthday the family celebrate by taking him to a restaurant. On trying his soup the boy looks up and says to his mother "mazzer, ziz soop is cold". The mother in tears at this miracle says "hans, vy haf you vaited so long to speak?" and the boy says "Until now mazzer, everysing has been satisfactory"