Tom visits Dave who's laid up at home with a broken leg.
Dave says "my feet are freezing mate, can you nip upstairs and get my slippers",
"No probs" said Tom.
Upstairs Daves stunning 19 year old twin daughters are sitting on there bed.
"Hello girls, Your dad sent me to sh@g you two,"
"Fook off you liar" they said,
"Ill prove it said Tom and he shouts downstairs,
"Both of them dave?" "Ofcourse! whats the point in Fookin one?!"

This is quality. I've just spat coffee all over the screen.

Quality

Supermarkets are only there so you buy things you don't need. Take for example, in the summer heatwave I bought 8 cans of dog food and when I got back to my car I discovered I didn't need it

Postman Pat, Postman Pat
Postman Pat and his unionised cat,
Early in the morning,
They're still in bed a-snoring,
And I'm wondering where's my post you f*****g t**t.

Wrong we were on the picket line

An old man sitting in a shopping centre watched a teenager intently.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "what's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?".
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondereing if you were my son."

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination
in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )
These are genuine answers (from 16 year old boys)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well
endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs ....................................(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery ............. (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow ............................... (Jesus H Christ)

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
A,E,I,O and U ........................................(What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium .................(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor ..................................(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport ..........................(Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like
umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face .........................(OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Priceless...

Sorry its still in the sorting frame............


But I can tell you your letter from the STD clinic is there .....................you have the clap

The packege marked "PHOTOS DO NOT BEND" ................. well I can tell yours did



There was a small package from the penis extension clinic, smallest package we have ever seen from there only 14p postage on it so we charged an extra £1.50

Oh and your giro is not there



Have a nice day

Genius!

Now stop striking and destroying our postal service!

Cheers, Adam

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

Quality!!!

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

Two men on opposite sides of the world are thinking exactly the same thing.
One is tightrope walking, the other is having a blow job with a 86 year old woman.
What are they both thinking?

















"Don't look down, Don't look down"!!

So Shakespeare walks into a pub and the landlord says " you're Bard"

Jonothan Ross has been arreasted for stealing cooking utensils from Asda. He later stated hefelt "It was a whisk worth taking....."

similar effect on me when i first heard it, just like the baby polar bear joke......

I was in a pub quiz once and the question was asked "what's the name of the Greek mythological creature, half man, half beast?" Some guy (in a west Yorkshire accent) shouts out:- "BUFFALO BILL?" He won the quiz!

What baby Polar bear joke.. Do tell GraftonRed