My friend who was a best man for 1 of our mates began his speech with
" well i have known J**** for many years now and we have our ups and downs and we have been round town and got off with a few women on a few nights? where upon the groom piped up and said"Yes and a few dogs"
Then upon hearing this the best man commented"Yes but im not marrying 1 of them" Lets just say her family was not amused but the table i was on where in stitches

Sounds classy

top drawer.... sometimes if it means ruining a womens best day to make a few other people laugh so be it!!! i'm single for a reason

I will tell you honestly the marriage only lasted 3 months after the wedding but GOD the speech was class lol i also got married and made sure i did not pick him as my best man

Maybe not the best man but. My father-in-law stood up and told the whole place, " This lad has a heart of gold, many a time I've been driving home when it's been raining and I've seen him giving those poor girls down Waterhouse lane a lift "

Start with,

" Good afternoon, thats the second time today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand " !!

I said the best man was the sort of guy ' that if you lent him a £1000 and never saw him again , you would regard it as an investment'.

Good one i heard the other month at a wedding was the best man said to groom at the start of his speech..."put the brides hand on the table and put yours on top (the grooms)...he did his speech and at the end he said i told you to do that because thats the only time you will get the upper hand.

Ladies and Gentlemen, before we start Id like you all to stand and make a toast to the one person here today who everyone has commented on. How radiant, glowing, never stopped smiling, was the focus of the day and the one person this day couldnt have been the success it is without them. Ladies and Gentlemen....... The Best Man.

Joke used by my best man - more of a story:

I was at another wedding a few weeks back, sat with a couple with their son of about 6 or 7 years old.

During the speeches the young boy asked his dad, "why is that lady wearing a pretty white dress?". He replied, "Well son, that's becasue it's the happiest day of her life". "oh, ok" he replied, then he asked, "So why is that man next to her wearing black?",

To which he father siad.....
"Now you're learning son".

Best Man (my now brother in law): Welcome to the family Steph, and you're welcome to the bloody lot of 'em

Was at a wedding a few years ago and the best man had secretly distributed a load of keys to about 20 female guests at the wedding for them to hang onto until the speech.

About halfway through the speech he says:

Phil (the groom) has had a bit of a past but has finally decided to settle down and commit himself, and with this in mind, i've been asked if all the women who still have a spare key to his house, could they kindly return it and put it in this bowl....

It was quite amusing as approx 20 women queued up to place a key in a bowl.

One that was used at my wedding:

Nice to see that all the crockery bought as wedding presents is in the potato pattern.........its all chipped!!

Always worth confessing that you've been boning the bride for the last 2 years, or complementing her on her blow jobs

A mate started his speech with

' Myself and P+++ have been through quite alot together over the last 10 years.......thankfully none of these girls have turned up today'.

Thats a common thing at weddings i work at.

A bestman did a twist on it though and handed them out to women as well as a male co-worker of mine and told him to camp up it when he went to put his key in the bowl

I like it!

Must admit i have heard it's become quite common.

I must tell you we had the best "Batchelor- weekend" I've ever been on.We all agreed that what went on in Blackpool stays in Blackpool and I will stick to that. Except to say that I'll see you all in the Magistrates Court at 9.00 am Tuesday morning. I'll make sure I bring the Donkey with me!

The last time I was best man, I stood up, cleared my throat and clearly and loudly pronounced the word

'FORNICATION'

I glanced at my mate and his wife who were both looking daggers at me as they'd warned me to keep it clean,

i then quickly picked up my glasses, pretended to look at my speech (peice of paper) said sorry a couple of times and proceeded with

'FOR AN OCCASION SUCH AS THIS'

It brought the house down and anything i said after pailed into insignificance as my opening line is all ppl have talked about since.......lol

I remember bob mortimer been on radio a few months ago telling the story of him been the best man for his brother who was getting wed to a stornch catholic lass.He started his speech with the words"I am so happy to be here to see the two of them together again at last, her legs that is" for some reason it did not go down that well.

"Ladies and gentlemen, as expected this is an emotional occasion. If you look in the corner, you will see that even the cake is tiers".