I know its not the off season yet, but I have started to work on my best mans speech and wondered if anybody had any tasteful (or extremeley tasteless) jokes or ideas they have seen, heard or done that could help!?

Cheers in advance

Probably not relevant, but if its not the bride or groom's first marriage, try starting the speech off with something like, "Well....here we are again"

i used www.hitched.co.uk/speeches/speechhome.aspx

i used www.hitched.co.uk/speeches/speechhome.aspx

"well i just thought i'd prepare a few lines for today...

<sniiiiiiiiiffffffff>

nowthen lets gets started...."

lol

When I was best man, at the start of my speech I presented the groom with a referee's red and yellow cards.

I told him if I was getting too rude, hold up the yellow and I'd change topic,

If he wanted me to stop immediately, hold up the red.

The audience loved it. - I just ignored him through out.

There were a couple of times when the bride waved the red....!

"I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."


"I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

The only time I was best man, I opened my speech with the line.........."Being asked to be D.....'s best man is a bit like making love to the Queen Mother...no one wants to do it but it is nevertheless considered to be an honour"

Of course I think she was still alive then (the queen mother that is), and as she's not now it might be considered to be in bad taste, you could always replace her with some one like the duchess of pork

' the meal was fantastic ...my compliments to the microwave'

' thanks to my best man, Dave , the folically challenged man , yes the guy who had a crew cut but the crew bailed out'.

How about,

"I've been told that a speech should only last for the same amount of time you can make love. In which case get yourselves comfortable we could be a while........ or go for so this won't take long!"

My friend who was a best man for 1 of our mates began his speech with
" well i have known J**** for many years now and we have our ups and downs and we have been round town and got off with a few women on a few nights? where upon the groom piped up and said"Yes and a few dogs"
Then upon hearing this the best man commented"Yes but im not marrying 1 of them" Lets just say her family was not amused but the table i was on where in stitches

Sounds classy

top drawer.... sometimes if it means ruining a womens best day to make a few other people laugh so be it!!! i'm single for a reason

I will tell you honestly the marriage only lasted 3 months after the wedding but GOD the speech was class lol i also got married and made sure i did not pick him as my best man

Maybe not the best man but. My father-in-law stood up and told the whole place, " This lad has a heart of gold, many a time I've been driving home when it's been raining and I've seen him giving those poor girls down Waterhouse lane a lift "

Start with,

" Good afternoon, thats the second time today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand " !!

I said the best man was the sort of guy ' that if you lent him a £1000 and never saw him again , you would regard it as an investment'.

Good one i heard the other month at a wedding was the best man said to groom at the start of his speech..."put the brides hand on the table and put yours on top (the grooms)...he did his speech and at the end he said i told you to do that because thats the only time you will get the upper hand.

Ladies and Gentlemen, before we start Id like you all to stand and make a toast to the one person here today who everyone has commented on. How radiant, glowing, never stopped smiling, was the focus of the day and the one person this day couldnt have been the success it is without them. Ladies and Gentlemen....... The Best Man.

Joke used by my best man - more of a story:

I was at another wedding a few weeks back, sat with a couple with their son of about 6 or 7 years old.

During the speeches the young boy asked his dad, "why is that lady wearing a pretty white dress?". He replied, "Well son, that's becasue it's the happiest day of her life". "oh, ok" he replied, then he asked, "So why is that man next to her wearing black?",

To which he father siad.....
"Now you're learning son".

Best Man (my now brother in law): Welcome to the family Steph, and you're welcome to the bloody lot of 'em