I quite liked it!

Just been down to the pub. I had a ploughman's lunch. He was not impressed

dont think your cut out for this mate

How does every racist joke start?

With a look over your shoulder.

Two budgies sat on a perch,one says can u smell fish?

I'm having a chicken Tarka for tea,it's like a tikka but a little otter...

Women walks past pet shop on trinity walk and see's sign in window. 'INCREDIBLE LOVE MAKING FROG'. Women thinks she will have some of this. she walks in the store up to the counter and rings the bell. Julian rinaldi pops up form under the desk, 'oui'.

i accidently inflated my blow up doll with helium.

now she is playing hard to get

Man and woman on a first date in a pub. Early on after polite chit chat woman says to man, 'just going to use the facilities'. After a bit longer than he expected she returns. Man says to woman 'been for a crap?'

A psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with 4 mothers. "You all have obsession..." To the 1st mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating and named your daughter Candy", to the 2nd mother, "Your obsession is with money and named your child Penny", to the 3rd mother, "Yours is alcohol and you named your child Brandy". At this point the 4th mother gets up, takes her son's hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving

I see that the transitional government in Libya have told David Cameron that if they capture Gaddafi they'll put him where he can do no harm.

So that'll be in cas's forward line then!

The police are on the lookout for someone who has stabbed 6 people with knitting needles.

A police spokesman said that the culprit is following a pattern.

The fireman climbs the ladder to the bedroom of a burning house, where he finds a stunning brunette.

"Ah", he says, "you're the third preganant woman I've rescued this month"
"But I'm not pregnant", she replied
"You're not rescued yet"

I was in Minneapolis the other day...

Until Mr. Apolis returned home unexpectedly.

A married couple were at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forward between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

CAS is the only place where you can marry four times and still have the same inlaws

did you hear about ted richardson being a kamakazie pilot....... he crashed into his brothers scrapyard!! arf

Two patients in the loony bin looking at the clock.

Loony one says to the Loony two " is that clock right"
Loony two says "yes"
Loony one says " well what's it doing in here then"

Two fish in a tank one says to the other 'can you drive this thing?'

Two snowmen in a field one says to the other 'can you smell carrots?'

My mates addicted to brake fluid. I had a word with him about it and he reckons he can stop at anytime.

The wife asked me 'when you're on a boys only trip away do you think about me?' Apparently 'only to stop myself coming to quickly' wasn't the right answer.

Two drug addicts snort curry powder by mistake,they are now in intensive care. One has a DODGY TIKKA and the other one is in a KORMA !

unsightly chest hair? Should've gone to pecshavers

2,500 season tickets to sell at a huge bargain price) before the end of September. If we as fans, care as much about our club as we say we do, and fail to achieve the target. we will be the laughing stock of the Super League. And this will be the biggest joke of all.

On a very foggy night Andrew Glover sets off from Leeds/Bradford airport in his helicopter (ok, just play along !) to go home . The pilot says " you'll have to help me out here a bit - i can't see a ruddy thing ". After about 10 mins AG says " hang on" and sticks his hand out of the window ... "we're in Huddersfield " he says ," i can feel the top of the Galpharm Stadium " . " Cheers" says the pilot & they carry on . This happens again - " we're in Wakefield now, i can feel the top of the cathedral " " Ok "says the pilot and again they carry on .
A couple of minutes later they try again , again AG sticks his hand out of the window ...." BALLS !" he shouts , "we're over Castleford " . " How do you know that ?" asks the pilot. " Ryan McGoldrick's just pinched my bloomin' watch !!"

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet
On the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,
"I'm sorry, but your duck Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
Testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes
Later with a Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement,
The dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
Sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
Returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet then produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, cried "£150! ..... £150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"




The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry but if you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20,
But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."