Bloke gets stopped by a traffic cop. "Can you please blow into this bag, sir?"

"Sorry, officer I can't do that" he says. "I have chronic asthma, and so I can't blow into that bag long enough for you to get an accurate reading"

"In that case," said the rozzer, "can you come down to the station so we can take a blood sample?"

"Sorry, officer I can't do that" says the motorist. "I'm haemaphiliac, so if you try and take blood from me, it won't clot and I will bleed to death"

"In that case," said the pig, who by now is getting exasperated, "can you get out of the car, and walk in a straight line"

"Sorry officer, I can't do that..."

"Why the hell not?" yells the filth "Come on! You can't give a breath sample cos you're asthmatic, you can't give a blood sample because you might bleed to death and now you won't walk in a straight line. Why????"

Bloke replies "Cos I'm p155ed!"

That made me chuckle

What's the difference between a scouse woman and a walrus?

Ones big, fat, hairy and stinks of fish and the other is a walrus!

Bloke walks into a car showroom and tells the salesman that his wife wants to talk to him about the Golf in the window.

"We've not got a Golf in the window" says the salesman

Bloke replies "Er... you have now."

The Police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said "Is this your wife sir?"

Shocked, I answered "Yes"

They said "It looks like she's been hit by a bus"

I said "I know but she's good with the kids"

It turns out that the pilot on a recent trip to Helsinki was a bit of a magician, after walking up the steps onto the aeroplane he vanished into Finn Air.    

You don’t know what “TENJOOBERRYMUDS” means do you? You will after reading this



I was recently in London and decided to learn Vietnamese, so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds. My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem.

In order to continue getting-by in London we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes...The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service somewhere in London .......

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service.

"Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???

"Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please.... And that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ..... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

The Regimental Dance:

Good evening Mrs, Ponsonby-Smythe, where does your husband serve?

He's a General in the East Africa Rifles'

Really, is he black?

No, but his Privates are.

OHHH!, how exotic.

I just got pulled over by a traffic cop. I got out of my car and he walked over to me and said 'What's your problem?' I said Tourettes now Fu@k off!

The wife is winding me up again i would knock her teeth out if i knew which draw they was in!!

Cleaning out the Attic last week with the Wife!Filthy,dirty covered in cobwebs but shes good with the kids!!

Went to a guest house in Blackpool The landlady stuck her head out of the top window
"What do you want?"
I wanna stay here,
She said well stay there
and shut the window..

Little lad in the bath with his nan!!!
"whats that in betweeen ya legs Nan??
Oh thats mi Hedgehog son!!
Oh it must be Dead All its guts are Hanging out..

Two slags talking one says,
Have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz??
No but ive been swung round by mi Tits!

which reminds me, what does a wigan girl say after sex?


"do you all play for the same team?"

which reminds me, what does a Warrington girl say after sex?

"quick, go back to your room before our Mum and Dad find out"

Body builder goes to the doctor and says that since he has been taking steroids, he had grown another willy. "Anabolic?" asks the doctor, "no just a willy" says the body builder.

My mother-in-law came in to work at lunch today and I must admit, I was genuinely pleased to see her.

I'm an undertaker.

Just bought FIFA 12 and I already noticed a glitch, when you play away at Wigan Athletic they have a full stadium.

They own it though

Sean Connery put a shelf up for me. When I pointed out that it was crooked he replied

...wait for it...

"I'm ashamed of myshelf"

Bloke from Wigan wins the lottery. He decides he want to have a statue of his dog so he goes to the jewellers and asks how much a solid gold statue of a dog would be.

The jeweller asks "Do you want it eighteen carat?"

No I'll just have it chewing a bone.

Very good

I was directing a play and I thought I'd spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene. Some say I'm the fresh and bold thing theatre needs, others think that I ruined the nativity.



.
Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.

After a visit to the local "house of ill repute", a man notices green lumps on his testicles so off he goes to see the doctor.

"This is serious", says the doctor, "You know how wrestlers get caulflower ears?"

"Yes", admits the man, nodding seriously.

"Well", says the doctor, "You have brothel sprouts".
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The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

I was in the toilet on the train the other day
and the conductor knocked on the door
and said can i see
your ticket please i said not right now
i am having s h i t
he said i don't believe you push it under the door
i said OK but the yellow bits are sweetcorn