The Mrs just came home from the Doctors in tears saying the Doctor is a pervert because he said 'he thinks she might have a nice f@nny'.

So I stormed off round the Doctors and gripped him round the throat and said

"Why the bloody hell are you saying my Mrs might have a nice f@nny???!!!!!"

Doctor said "I didn't, I said she might have acute angina".


Police in Scotland are investigating after a cat was sexually abused in Glasgow, apparantly it's the first time a Scotsman has put anything in a kitty. Sorry Captain 13 and Edinburgh Warrior etc



Irish historians have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of Irelands oldest man. He was 193 and called Miles from Dublin.

Said to a girl in the pub last night"you remind me of my little Toe"
"Is that because i am Small and cute"
No its because i will end up banging you on the coffee table later!!



Excuse me love have you got a mirror in your back pocket??
no why ??
its just cos i can see myself in ya knickers!!



Giving a bird one she says you have only got a small organ??
I said i know its never played in a cathederal before!!

Just heard that the Manchester clubs are jointly releasing a fragrance for Christmas: Channel No.5

a woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks the barman for a 'double entendre', so he gave her one.

granddad was afraid of change. if anything, that just made us throw it harder.

a minicab driver and a microbiologist. which is smallest?

the most disappointing thing about being sent to a POW camp is that they don't teach you to fight like batman

why did the genetic scientist cross the road with a chicken

"i'm watching a film made by emo kids"
"the directors cut?"
"I think they all are"

i was woken up this morning by birds tweeting outside, so i unfollowed them

i've written a new book about poltergeists, it's flying off the shelves.

i used to disagree with organ donation, but now i've had a change of heart

i'm 20 hours into my sponsored semaphore marathon, unfortunately i'm starting to flag quite badly

i went to my assertiveness class today, but the room was double booked, ah well

my new girlfriend is a stunner, i've always had a thing for women who work in abattoirs.

just seen two people arguing about pluperfect and imperfect, it was a tense situation.

there's one thing i don't like about halloween which is...

its annoying when you go to a party and someone else is wearing the same outfit as you, i guess that's just part of being a siamese twin.

i just met a man who reminded me of my brother, he said "don't forget your brother".

Snoop Dogg's producing Chas & Dave's new single.

It's called "Knees up motherf***er"

Bloke gets stopped by a traffic cop. "Can you please blow into this bag, sir?"

"Sorry, officer I can't do that" he says. "I have chronic asthma, and so I can't blow into that bag long enough for you to get an accurate reading"

"In that case," said the rozzer, "can you come down to the station so we can take a blood sample?"

"Sorry, officer I can't do that" says the motorist. "I'm haemaphiliac, so if you try and take blood from me, it won't clot and I will bleed to death"

"In that case," said the pig, who by now is getting exasperated, "can you get out of the car, and walk in a straight line"

"Sorry officer, I can't do that..."

"Why the hell not?" yells the filth "Come on! You can't give a breath sample cos you're asthmatic, you can't give a blood sample because you might bleed to death and now you won't walk in a straight line. Why????"

Bloke replies "Cos I'm p155ed!"

That made me chuckle

What's the difference between a scouse woman and a walrus?

Ones big, fat, hairy and stinks of fish and the other is a walrus!

Bloke walks into a car showroom and tells the salesman that his wife wants to talk to him about the Golf in the window.

"We've not got a Golf in the window" says the salesman

Bloke replies "Er... you have now."

The Police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said "Is this your wife sir?"

Shocked, I answered "Yes"

They said "It looks like she's been hit by a bus"

I said "I know but she's good with the kids"

It turns out that the pilot on a recent trip to Helsinki was a bit of a magician, after walking up the steps onto the aeroplane he vanished into Finn Air.    

You don’t know what “TENJOOBERRYMUDS” means do you? You will after reading this



I was recently in London and decided to learn Vietnamese, so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds. My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem.

In order to continue getting-by in London we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes...The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service somewhere in London .......

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service.

"Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???

"Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please.... And that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ..... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

The Regimental Dance:

Good evening Mrs, Ponsonby-Smythe, where does your husband serve?

He's a General in the East Africa Rifles'

Really, is he black?

No, but his Privates are.

OHHH!, how exotic.

I just got pulled over by a traffic cop. I got out of my car and he walked over to me and said 'What's your problem?' I said Tourettes now Fu@k off!

The wife is winding me up again i would knock her teeth out if i knew which draw they was in!!

Cleaning out the Attic last week with the Wife!Filthy,dirty covered in cobwebs but shes good with the kids!!

Went to a guest house in Blackpool The landlady stuck her head out of the top window
"What do you want?"
I wanna stay here,
She said well stay there
and shut the window..

Little lad in the bath with his nan!!!
"whats that in betweeen ya legs Nan??
Oh thats mi Hedgehog son!!
Oh it must be Dead All its guts are Hanging out..

Two slags talking one says,
Have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz??
No but ive been swung round by mi Tits!

which reminds me, what does a wigan girl say after sex?


"do you all play for the same team?"

which reminds me, what does a Warrington girl say after sex?

"quick, go back to your room before our Mum and Dad find out"

Body builder goes to the doctor and says that since he has been taking steroids, he had grown another willy. "Anabolic?" asks the doctor, "no just a willy" says the body builder.

My mother-in-law came in to work at lunch today and I must admit, I was genuinely pleased to see her.

I'm an undertaker.

Just bought FIFA 12 and I already noticed a glitch, when you play away at Wigan Athletic they have a full stadium.

They own it though

Sean Connery put a shelf up for me. When I pointed out that it was crooked he replied

...wait for it...

"I'm ashamed of myshelf"