1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen
table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."

2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of s saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexist s. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse
the bloody thing!

3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks
him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".

4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed
six people in the in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.

5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could
eat it!

6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break
and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is
angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear
and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have
their pick nicked."

7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm
sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on
the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of
you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world,
swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It
came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat

Bloke from Wigan wins the lottery. He decides he want to have a statue of his dog so he goes to the jewellers and asks how much a solid gold statue of a dog would be.

The jeweller asks "Do you want it eighteen carat?"

No I'll just have it chewing a bone.

Very good

I was directing a play and I thought I'd spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene. Some say I'm the fresh and bold thing theatre needs, others think that I ruined the nativity.



.
Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.

After a visit to the local "house of ill repute", a man notices green lumps on his testicles so off he goes to see the doctor.

"This is serious", says the doctor, "You know how wrestlers get caulflower ears?"

"Yes", admits the man, nodding seriously.

"Well", says the doctor, "You have brothel sprouts".
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The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

I was in the toilet on the train the other day
and the conductor knocked on the door
and said can i see
your ticket please i said not right now
i am having s h i t
he said i don't believe you push it under the door
i said OK but the yellow bits are sweetcorn