a pony tried talking to me the other day bu i couldn't hear it because it was a little ho

Why was the belt thrown in jail?
He held up a pair of pants



What do you get when you cross a pond and a stream?
Wet feet



Whats blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise



When can your car stop the quickest?
When it's brakefast time



What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor?

Deano; you must eat a lot of ice lollies to get them cack jokes off the back of the sticks...

Can you please remind me of the title of this thread please? I Forgot

Bad jokes matey;

yours are really,really,really,really bad jokes...

Yeah, thats what im known for



You'll have to come into the albion sometime ditch-meister

will do.

tuesdays, for poker at 830 or saturdays.

When i was a kid i had a "pink and wobbly joke book" it was full of shockers like--

What's pink and wobbly and belongs to Grandad? Grandma.

and my personal favourite

What's green and wobbly and hangs from trees? Giraffe snot.

Bilbo Baggins of the Shire died in bed last night after an overdose of Viagra. I guess old Hobbits die hard.

How about some Wigan jokes ahead of fridays derby clash? Yeah? Ok here goes...


I went into a shop in Wigan last week and asked the owner if he sold "turps"

He asked would that be cassette turps or video turps





Bloke from Wigan wins the lottery. He decides he want to have a statue of his dog so he goes to the jewellers and asks how much a solid gold statue of a dog would be.

The jeweller asks "Do you want it eighteen carat?"

No I'll just have it chewing a bone





What do you call a Wigan kebab?

Two pies on a stick

Come on mods, unreasonable use of the smiley face on this post

A pub has a sign outside reading:
"Handjobs 10p, Pies £1"
Wigan bloke walks in and asks the lady behind the bar if she's the female who gives the handjobs for 10p.
"Aye, I am" she says.
"Well wash your hands, I want a Meat 'n 'Tater." He replies.

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed one night and the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden Paddy says " love this " and storms downstairs. 5 mins later he comes back and his wife say "What did you do?" Paddy says " I've put it in our garden .. Lets see how they like it !!!!

I like that one....

Seen this knockin around last few days

...

I could have lived quite happily without seeing that

went to the doctors today he said I am paranoid. Well he never actually said it but he was thinking it

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

wigan joke.....


they were gonna introduce a C.S.I. unit in wigan to tackle a rise in crime until they realised they would have to use dental records and all the D.N.A. would be the same!!

a wigan lad has Piles and a sore bum so he goes to the shop and asks
"nah then lad, has thee getten any ass cream?"

shopkeeper sez "aye lad dus want a Magnum or a Cornetto

This might make more sense without the swear filter!!

Apparently it was on the news today that the pope has been in Jordan all day.

Well it hasn't taken her long has it?

Bloke bursts into the doctors surgery and says "Doc you have to help me I can't stop winning at dominoes and I am starting to lose all my friends" the doctor looks up and says "Don't you ever knock?".

man goes to the doctors and says
"Dr have you ever laughed at a patient?"

Doc replies

"no never, i have been doing this job now for 50 years and it would breach the high standards i set myself to laugh at one of my patients"

the man drops his trousers to show the Dr the tiniest little willy no bigger than an AAA battery.

The Doc starts to laugh hysterically and the man goes bright red.

The Doc then says
"im so very sorry, i am so embarrassed that has never happened before and i promise will never happen again, what is you problem then sir?"

Man to the Doc
"it's swollen"