Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?

He got stuck in Orbit!

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

Swine flu has hit Wigan

Riddell prepares himself for Noble's 'special' one on one coaching.

whats brown and sticky?

































a stick

now that's a bad joke!

a man and his son are in the chemist and the son points at a 3 pack of condoms and asks his dad what they are
dad says they are school boy condoms 1 for friday 1 for saturday 1 for sunday
the son then points at 6 pack of condoms and ask what they are
dad says they college boys condoms 2 for friday 2 saturday 2 for sunday
the son then points at 12 pack of condoms and ask what they are
dad says they married mens condoms 1 for january 1 febuary 1 for march 1 for april

I tried ringigthat swine flu help line - but all i ot was crackling.

And then when i finaly got through, i told them i 2 rashers on my arms. they just said put some oinkment on it

Paddy and Mick went down to London to give sperm, but it was a disaster...

Paddy missed the tube, and Mick came on the bus.

Are you allowed to post good jokes in here?

Go for it funnyman.

Say what you like about Peter Andre and Katie Price, at least their marriage lasted longer than Jade Goodys.

Do like how you only did the oink in bold at the end and not the other ones.

Has somebody been in the sin bin?

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneeded a poo

Terrible, simply terrible

Paddy asks Mick why scoober divers jump off the boat backwards. Mick replies "Don't be stupid! If they jumped forwards, they'd still be in the boat".

You can not say ANYTHING Gaz!!

yes, cos nowhere else in the english speaking world has been trading peter andre/katie price jokes.

[size=59

If you want the best ones i reccomend heading over to sickipedia, but don't complain to me[/size

Been there. done that. I hope they got a refund on the cards they bought.

what do u call an italian with a rubber toe? roberto

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people have a chance to have sex

What do clouds wear under their clothes?

Thunderware

Penguins?

i like that one