bloke walks into a pet shop and says;
can i have 2 dead flies please,
sorry sir we do not sell dead flies
oh says the bloke youve got some in the window.




two flies on a cowpat
one of them trumps
the other one says
do ya mind im tryin to eat mi dinner..



taxi ;dont worry im goin..

Dont worry theres one already booked for you





In a kindergarten school, a teacher asked her class to give examples of coincidence.

There was a long silence, then a small boy said: "My father & my mother were married the same day."





A BLONDE is in the library , she bangs down a book and says :" too boring, too many characters and no story.
LIBRARIAN says : oh! U r the one who took the phone directory away??

load of pupils in class little johnny shouts out;
gizza pencil
teatcher;i beg your pardon
johnny;gizza pencil
teatcher;johnny there are nouns,pro nouns,and verbs
teatcher;mary as no pencils,philip as no pencils
sarah as no pencils,edward as no pencils,
they have no pencils
we all have no pencils
johnny;well whos got all the bleedin pencils........

Paddy takes his broken car to the mechanic. Mechanic says " Nothing serious mate just =redplease don't try to bypass the swear filter in your air filter" Paddy says " Brilliant , how often do i have to do that? "

Bloke takes his car into a garage in Leigh.
"what's the problem, mate?" asks the mechanic
"It's my wheels" he replies
"Are they champion?"
"No, they're =redplease don't try to bypass the swear filter, that's why I need new ones!"

Whats hairy on the outside, moist on the inside, starts with a C ends in T
and has the letters U and N in the middle??


































A coconut!

little lad says to his nan as she gets out of the bath,
whats that between ya legs nan,
oh its mi hedgehog,
it must be dead nan,its guts are hangin out..

The Met Police have been involved in the current BBC inquest.

Ross & Brand have had their names added to the "Sachs Offenders List".

Man says to his wife "what would you do if i won the lottery"
And his wife replies "i would divorce you and take half"
The man then says "good i got three numbers heres a £5 now =redplease don't try and bypass the swear filter"

What a nice comment

Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist

Sold his soul to Santa

and nearly choked on his own vimto.

Dear Jonathan Ross , i just sh@gged your daughter!
Who's laughing now?!

Lots of love
Gary Glitter x

DOH!

what goes klink klink bang

Jill Dando putting out her milk bottles

what sort of key opens every door?

A Pi key!




What does DIANA stand for?

Died In A Nasty Accident

jesus walks into the village hotel,
he throws three nails on the counter and says,
excuse me, can you put me up for the night...

Chris Evans and Russell Brand walk into a pub.

W[ia[/inkers

i bet you get done for sayin that.....





you should of said ......merchant bankers.

An old Nick Hancock joke from TTIAO circa 2003

"Chris Evans is a typical Warrington lad, jobless and married to a teenager"

A man goes golfing with his girlfriend.
As he tees off, she steps up to the ladies' tee and gets hit in the head with his drive.
She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue.
The coroner calls him in and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?"

"Oh," he replies, "that must have been my mulligan."

Black woman all over the world are shaving their pubic hair in support of Obama's election result. There message to the world is : "Read our lips- No more bush"

eres one

a bloke went into the doctors and said "doctor doctor"
"me d**k is shaped like a rocket"
the doctor went " what does your wife fink?"
the bloke said " oh shes over the moon"

How many scousers does it take to change a lightbulb?

20: 1 to replace the broken lightbulb, 19 to hold a minute's silence for the old one.