childhood paddy joke (nowt against Irish as ive Irish heritage)

Paddy worked in a sawmill ont circular saw, mindlessly going through his daily quota he chops his arm off .. mates rush to his aid, grabs his arm and puts it in a plastic bag while the ambulance arrives. Surgeons work tirelessly to stitch his arm back on and within 6 weeks hes back ont job. Within a few days back he carelessly chops his leg off ... his distraught work mates grab his leg, stuff it in a plaggy bag and send a shocked Paddy off to the hospital. 8 hours of delicate microsurgery later and 8 weeks of recuperative rest, Paddy is as good as new. After his long rest Paddy is back ont job to the delight of his workmates. Just another day in Paddy's work schedule when disaster strikes for the third time ... this time he recklessly chops his head off. Workmates scramble to his aid whilst the ambulance is enroute and delicately place his severed head in a plastic bag while nursing his convulsing body ........ His colleagues wait patiently for 12 hours oustside the operating theatre when the surgeon emerges. “I'm sorry” the surgeon exclaimed "but Paddy has died" ... "how did this happen?" asked one of his compadres ... the surgeon removing his mask replied "well ... when you put his head in the plastic bag, he suffocated"

Some bloke just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said, "Is that a fret?"

This probably shows how old I am.

EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

Consider that:

Pasta had not been invented.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Only Heinz made beans.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and
charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing
stock.

The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the
fifties .. was elbows!

To all the dyslexics on the forum just remember your cocks don’t go black this weekend

Teacher asks his class to come up with a sentence that uses the word contagious. Little Billy at the back of the class puts his hand up. With the lack of any other choice the teacher picks Billy. "Go on then Billy surprise me.".

Billy stands proudly and says "the other day my dad was watching our neighbour getting a delivery of gravel on his drive and he said I bet it takes the contagious to shift that".

Did you know that on the Canary islands there are no canaries?

It's exactly the same on the Virgin Islands - no canaries there either.

People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.

Hahaha very good. Also a shame

There was a young man from Leigh,
Who said he would empty the sea,
Before it was noon,
And that was quite soon,
He said, "I'll finish it off after tea"

What part of Leigh was he from.?

Big Al, lives on Brewery Lane.

Ha, you got me there Charlie, which is the most optimistic part?

What's the difference between a hippo and Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

This made me laugh a lot. However be warned I am a weirdo so you may not share my amusement: https://twitter.com/mstrpotatohead/stat ... 51297?s=20

This made me laugh a lot. However be warned I am a weirdo so you may not share my amusement: https://twitter.com/mstrpotatohead/stat ... 51297?s=20

My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
-
“Oh is she an alcoholic?”
-
“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

Quote ="Pumpetypump"This made me laugh a lot. However be warned I am a weirdo so you may not share my amusement: https://twitter.com/mstrpotatohead/stat ... 51297?s=20'" WOW that is absolutely brilliant! I was howling, as the tweeter put, THE CHRUS hahahaaa

Quote ="Pumpetypump"This made me laugh a lot. However be warned I am a weirdo so you may not share my amusement: https://twitter.com/mstrpotatohead/stat ... 51297?s=20'" WOW that is absolutely brilliant! I was howling, as the tweeter put, THE CHRUS hahahaaa

One morning a little old lady wanders into a local fishmongers and asked for a piece of cod, the Fishmonger said I'm sorry Madam we are out of cod till tomorrow come back then , ok said the lady and goes on her way.
Around lunchtime she comes back in and the Fishmonger says what can I get you Madam, I'd like a nice piece of cod please, sorry Madam as I've already said we won't have any in till tomorrow come back then. ok she says and wanders off.
Later in the day at closing time she comes in again and the Fishmonger rolls his eyes and asks exasperatedly what would like Madam. I'd like a nice piece of cod please.
How do you spell cod madam? c o d she replied, no it isn't it's spelled c o f d said the Fishmonger.
She thinks about it for a minute and then says there is no f in cod! The Fishmonger replied that's what I've been trying to tell you!

Wife walks into the kitchen and says to her husband,didn't you hear me just fall down the stairs? He says no sorry love I thought it was the start of Eastenders.

"Won't you kiss me doctor" says a female patiently longingly.

The doctor replies, "Absolutely not, it would be completely against my code of ethics."

"Please. Just one kiss" she pleads.

"It's completely out of the question" says the doctor, "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you".

Car breaks down in a country lane outside a small cottage. As the driver is leaning over under the bonnet a young lady appears out of the cottage. She says 'would you like a screwdriver' to which he replies 'That's very nice of you but I haven't really got time I must get this car fixed.

Ever wondered why the Saudis don't like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do?

I found this was very relaxing when I was feeling stressed.

[youtubee59guruVL4o[/youtube

An owl's just flown into the kitchen, dried all me cups and plates. Couldn't believe it. Must have been a Teat Owl.

To be honest it sounded a tad too much like government information from the Friday night telecasts from the (not very) sage committee. Still, it must be helping, I seem to be much more exterminated....sorry, a bit more relaxed now.

What do you call a French footballer playing Nintendo...

Thierry on Wii