Two fish in a tank
One says to the other


How do you drive this thing

Peter starts his new job at the London Zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, Peter beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, Peter is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, Peter says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

Peter moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, 'What's the food like here?'

The lion replies,

'Absolutely brilliant!..... Today we had fish, chimps & mushy bees.'

Why shouldn’t you wear Ukrainian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fall out.

Mamma Mia: classic ABBA song or a Yorkshire kid telling his mum he's arrived?

my dog died in the washing machine today, i dont feel too bad knowing he died in comfort.

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore h0le asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell ar5e cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

Great additions those! Made me laugh at least. Let’s try to get this thread as long as the other more depressing ones please

I like jokes about eyes.

The cornea the better.

I entered an erection competition last week.

I got to the semi

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.

I thought: ‘This could be interesting

Drunk on his way home from the pub late at night. feeling randy, the only thing he could see with a hole was a lorry parked up for the night.Desperate he gave it a good one and carried on home satisfied.Next day he went to his doctor with a black penis. Doc says I have checked you out and I am sorry to say you are HGV positive.. say you are HGV positive.

Two blondes walk into a building.

You'd think one of them would've seen it.

How do you circumcise a Cas fan?

Kick his sister in the jaw!

Yorkshire version of creation:
On t'first day, t'world were covered i' darkness and God said "let there be leet" and there was leet an' ya could see fer miles.
On t'second he created Yorkshire an' called it his own country.
On t'third day he created Yorkshireman to look after t'land and t'crops.
On t'fourth day he created Yorkshire lass to be a companion an' mek Yorkshire puddings.
On t'fifth day he created t'North Sea so they could have fish 'n chips.
On t'sixth day he wor running out of ideas so he created Lancahire.
On t'seventh day he said "by heck after all this work I need a rest."

God went missing for six days.

The Archangel Gabriel found him resting on the seventh day.

“What have You been up to?’’ he said.

“I’ve created the planet Earth and it will be a place of great balance,’’ said God.

“How do you mean?’’ said Gabriel and God explained.

“North America would be wealthy and South America would be poor.

"Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there a continent of black people. There will be places that are hot and places that will be cold.’’


Gabriel was impressed and pointed to an area in England and said: “What’s that?’’

“That,” said God: “is Yorkshire, the most glorious place on Earth. There will be beautiful lakes, streams, rivers and hills, great music, architecture and sporting giants. The people from Yorkshire will be modest, intelligent and witty. They will be sociable, hard working and high achievers. They will be known throughout the world as diplomats and peace-makers.’’


Gabriel gasped in admiration, thought for a moment, and said: “But what about balance? You said there will be balance.’’

“Ah,’’ said God, nodding sagely. “Let me tell you about Lancashire

"I saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman the other day. He was wearing a cat flap."

Stanley decided to lookup his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted Yorkshireman. He found Alf at his bungalow in Huddersfield stripping the wallpaper from the dining room. Rather obviously, he remarked, "You're decorating, I see." To which Alf replied, "Nay Stanley lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."

childhood paddy joke (nowt against Irish as ive Irish heritage)

Paddy worked in a sawmill ont circular saw, mindlessly going through his daily quota he chops his arm off .. mates rush to his aid, grabs his arm and puts it in a plastic bag while the ambulance arrives. Surgeons work tirelessly to stitch his arm back on and within 6 weeks hes back ont job. Within a few days back he carelessly chops his leg off ... his distraught work mates grab his leg, stuff it in a plaggy bag and send a shocked Paddy off to the hospital. 8 hours of delicate microsurgery later and 8 weeks of recuperative rest, Paddy is as good as new. After his long rest Paddy is back ont job to the delight of his workmates. Just another day in Paddy's work schedule when disaster strikes for the third time ... this time he recklessly chops his head off. Workmates scramble to his aid whilst the ambulance is enroute and delicately place his severed head in a plastic bag while nursing his convulsing body ........ His colleagues wait patiently for 12 hours oustside the operating theatre when the surgeon emerges. “I'm sorry” the surgeon exclaimed "but Paddy has died" ... "how did this happen?" asked one of his compadres ... the surgeon removing his mask replied "well ... when you put his head in the plastic bag, he suffocated"

Some bloke just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said, "Is that a fret?"

This probably shows how old I am.

EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

Consider that:

Pasta had not been invented.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Only Heinz made beans.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and
charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing
stock.

The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the
fifties .. was elbows!

To all the dyslexics on the forum just remember your cocks don’t go black this weekend

Teacher asks his class to come up with a sentence that uses the word contagious. Little Billy at the back of the class puts his hand up. With the lack of any other choice the teacher picks Billy. "Go on then Billy surprise me.".

Billy stands proudly and says "the other day my dad was watching our neighbour getting a delivery of gravel on his drive and he said I bet it takes the contagious to shift that".

Did you know that on the Canary islands there are no canaries?

It's exactly the same on the Virgin Islands - no canaries there either.

People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.

Hahaha very good. Also a shame