Ok with the dreaded two Bs (Brexit and Bradford) I want cheering up. Tell us a joke. I'll start.

I used to own a racing snail. I took off its shell to see if it would make it go faster, but if anything it made it more sluggish.

Paddy and Mary decide to spice things up one night and Mary suggests a 69.
Paddy has never done it before so Mary tells him to lay down and she’ll take the lead.
As Mary squats over his head and leans over she accidentally lets out a little trump.
She tries again and as she leans forward to do the deed another small trump occurs.
Paddy throws her off and storms out of the room and says “You can do one if you think I’m waiting around for another 67 of those!”

To which Mary replies “ Take big sniffs, it’ll go quicker “

***Bulls announce new signing***

A wife is sitting at her husband’s funeral. A man leans in and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

Two Irishmen are enjoying the rapidly diminishing hostelries of Bradford when they realise that they have blown all their money and missed the last bus.

"Here," says Mick, "There's the Bus depot there, lets nick a bus to get us home"

"Okay," says Murph, "You keep an eye out and I'll go in and get the bus,"

There then followed 10 minutes of revving, crashing, swearing, and bangs from within the depot. After a particularly big crash, Mick pokes his head in and shouts "What the hell are you doing in there?"

"I can't help it," says Murph, "The 576 is right at the back,"

"You big eejit," replies Mick, "We could get the 613 here at the front, just jump out at the corner and walk the rest of the way"

Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Little Johnny went out into the garden and saw his pet cat lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. he fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead". "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that Daddy?" asked Johnny as he fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, Tiddles legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Johnny seemed to take his cats death quite well. However two days later when his father came home from work Johnny had tears in her eyes and said, "Mummy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the boy and shouted, "How do you mean Johnny?

"Well", mumbled Johnny, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

Two wind turbines are standing in a field. One asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other one says, "I’m a big metal fan."

I got my dog from the local blacksmith....

Soon as I got home he made a bolt for the door.

Ok...here is mine, but it isn`t a joke, this really happened.

When I got home after the debacle that was that game against Fev a couple of years ago the conversation went something like this...

The wife `so did they win then?`

Me...'no, we lost we were f.....g s..t'

The wife (now pleased that she thought the season was over) ....`great so we can do what we want at the wekends now'

Me ....'no we are now in the Mickey Mouse Cup'

The wife....'is that what they call it? the Mickey Mouse Cup?'

Oh if we are throwing our partners under the bus too I'll have a load. Her indoors has been raised so proper that she accidentally says thank you to objects. So far, she's said thanks to a cash point several times and the odd sliding door.

That's completely the sort of thing I do as well. I have two small boys, and (as I'm sure every parent does) I point things out to them when travelling.

So it was 7:20 on the packed Sheffield train to London, and I was absent-mindedly looking out the window. We passed a field of cows.

"Oooh look," I said out loud, completely forgetting where I was and who I was sitting at a table with, "Moo cows"

To a table of besuited, and bemused businessmen.

Paddy was at the bar and ordered 5 pints of bitter.
Barman said “would you like a tray?”

Paddy said “no thanks, won’t be able to carry that as well”

wonder if it was the same guy who sold us ours called woodbine,
he had both hind legs missing but enjoyed going out for a drag

If we're also doing true stories which just happen to be funny then I'll sling this one in:

now, please note this is not an 'Irish joke', as they are generally lovely people and don't deserve it. However...many years back, when I was in a band doing the pubs and clubs of Northern England we once got a gig at a Catholic club in Leeds, sort of in the Hunslet area. I looked it up on the street map and it seemed easy to find but, pre (by a long time) sat-nav the inevitable happened and we got lost. However, all was not lost as we were near at a long queue standing at a bus stop, and someone was bound to know where it was. And they did. a very nice chap who just happened to Irish -perfect for knowing where the Catholic club would be!

"Ah, you need to go back up to the red light at the crossroads. Then turn left and go down the hill about half a mile and you'll see the church- you can't miss it. Have you got that? back to the red... no no, to the GREEN light, turn left etc"

There are some things you just can't make up, though I confess I used it as a joke for years in the band and I've heard it told by others - but it was me it really happened to!

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?''Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.  Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Put him down --- because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really, really, heavy'

A pregnant woman is on the bed in advanced labour when she suddenly shouts out "I'mWon'tIt'sShouldn'tThat's"

The midwife comes rushing in and says "I don't think it's going to be long now. Those contractions seemed very close together."

When scuba divers are sat facing inwards on the edge of the dinghy before rolling backwards into the water. Why do they do that?

...because if the rolled forward they’d fall back into the boat.

Ever noticed how angry the staff at the job centre are when they hear you turned up for an interview with underpants on your head and swearing?

Stop sending me for interviews then I need to chill out. Morons.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf

I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she’s been with.

She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”.

I went into Greggs today and asked, "How much are sausage rolls?"

"£2 for two," the assistant said.

"How much for one?" I enquired.

"£1.20," she replied.

"I'll have the other one," I told her.

Just met a transvestite from the Greater Manchester area...

He had a Wigan address!