It must be a real worry for you, not knowing which team to turn out for.

Well I was right the first time, Grenada is the spice island, its just that I thought it was Tobago, even though I typed Grenada...

...where were we ?

News at Ten?

When is a cake not a cake, granted this is like asking what's the meaning of life but

cheese cake - banoffe pie ?

uh oh.....

Ah, now...

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmbanoffe pie...........................

Dear Mr Field..
The mrs has been tidying our son's bedroom . She came down and told me that she found bondage gear and fetish magazines under his bed . I am unsure of how to deal with this situation , but would I be right in thinking that spanking him would not be a good idea ?

Don't jump to conclusions, he could be looking after them for "a friend", he may have taken up amateur dramatics and be in dress rehearsals for "Stephen Milligan - The Musical", he may have just bought a horse, or be considering a future in bicycle puncture repair outfit manufacture.

There are many explanations for a male to keep basques and fetish gear in his bedroom, why I do believe your tall bald friend who works on roofs a lot has been seen dallying around Leeds in such gear from time to time [size=50when the Rocky Horror Show is in town[/size, maybe your son is looking after his outfits ?

Whoosh ...My next question is a serious one though .I gave a family of six a lift to a wedding in Scarborough on Saturday . They paid for fuel and my lodgings , got me an invite to the wedding , reception , and evening do etc . We arrived in plenty of time . We settled ourselves i at the b&b up at the top of the hill . At a reasonably early time we set off to the wedding . They had a routeplanner type map of where we were supposed to go . So......
I made two trips to get 10 people to the destination from the top of the hill into the town centre . Just as I was parking up back at the B&B I got a call saying I shouldn't have dropped them at the town hall , and they needed to be at the register office . I collected all ten of them ( in my 7 seater) and it took us 20 mins to find the register office . We got there just in time to hear the registrar lady say the ' You may kiss the bride' thing . The ten people I was ferrying were the bride's family . The map WE... NOT ME... were following was directions from the B&B to the reception at the Grand Hotel where the reception was . By the way . The food there is crap , and the beer tastes stale and is over-priced . Much better ale can be found at a much more wallet-friendly cost at the Sun Inn .
My question tonight is ... Why was there a sign in the roadworks on the A64 saying 11mph ?

You are to banoffee pie what a swarm of locusts are to a wheat field. Biblical.

I have seen it with my own eyes. Spicy has never been the same.

Oh oh! I know that one!!! It's not our speed limit, it's the sites speed limit. It is a very random speed though. Mr Field, how come it's so random. And am I right? I'd hate to ruin someone's day by actually telling them the wrong info.

First of all I completely agree with you reference The Grand, its not very Grand actually, I stayed there once when Butlins had just taken it over and they gave me a tiny little room right at the top of the hotel inside one of those tower turret things, it didn't have a window but it did have lots of pipes and things running across the ceiling because the rest of the turret thing was actually the central heating gubbins - I'm sure I didn't check in as Oliver Twist but thats what it felt like.

Anyhoo, your question is a very simple one, those roadworks have been on the A64 for so long that the speed limit sign was actually correct when they first laid out the cones, the other part of the sign that requires a man to walk in front of the car with a red flag to warn horses, cows and nervous women must have blown away.

Mr McF, Yesterday was apparently one of the only days that a woman is allowed to propose to a man (shocking i know) is this legally binding?

You just had Radio 1 on?

If i was to venture into a fast food place on my own and the person BEHIND me came with his/her partner, is it wrong that one of them can sit on the table and technically reserve it and leave me standing even though i was there first and served first?

Its not legally binding, just like not having to buy an anniversary card, a mothers day present for your wife (thats your kids mother, remember?), or christmas cards, you always have the opt-out of "No", you don't even have to say "No Thank You", just "No".

Thats probably all you'll manage to get out actually before falling into unconciousness and awakening at an alter.

If there are only two of them and he is left standing in the queue behind you then get served and go and sit with his partner at the table but totally ignore her as though its the most perfect thing to do, he then has two choices, he can either sit down and share the table with you or move - you have to keep a straight face though, or be overly friendly, either will work.

It doesn't usually work if she chooses the toadstool table though.

The above advice is definitely the correct way to deal with queue jumpers . I have doe it several times . It is usually the boke that sits at the table though , because it a womans job to bring food .

Following my last post .. have you any advice how to stop my kids from eating biscuits whilst using this laptop / they drop crumbs on it and they get under the buttons . it clears after a few hard bangs on each stuck button , But it is a pain . I having to press really hard on the shift to get caps now .
they ain't allowed cake . it makes them go all hyper .

Eat all the biscuits before they get home.

Works for me.

Mr Field,

As you may know I’m doing a speech at a networking event tonight. I’ll also be meeting my future business partner there for the first time. How do I leave a good impression on her?

I sooooo wish i hadn't used up the plasters radio gag

You should end every sentence with the phrase "I am not mad", just in case she had jumped to a conclusion at the first few seconds of your meeting.

Do not invite her home to show her your collection of rare moths yet, thats for the second meeting.

Dear Mr McField ..
A customer takes his car into a garage for repairs and waits while said repairs are carried out .
The customer appears to be under the influence of alcohol ..Slurs his words , falls asleep in the waiting room , wakes abruptly and swears , stinks of ale , falls off chair etc etc etc ..
That is the scenario .
The customer appears to be the type to get very aggressive if provoked .
So ...

Not wanting to cause any aggro in the worplace by refusing to let him drive away , would the correct course of action be to say and do nowt , or to inform the police so that they can wait for him to leave and lift him for drink driving ?
I chose the latter option . Either option would lose future custom , but I decided I would rather lose him as a customer than risk some innocent person losing their life . Can I sleep soundly knowing I probably cost somebody their driving licence ? Or should i feel guilty and have sleepless nights worrying about wether or not it costs him more than just his licence ?

Good man Baldrick. You've done the right thing lad.