I wouldn't know on accounts of the immunity I've built up through years of arstalking. As medical preparations go though, I've heard that lozenges are much more fun to apply.

I'm watching Ace of Cakes. Is it wrong to have a semi?

What is the plural for sending multiple text messages?

Texts
Text's
Texts'
Textes
Texes

WHAT IS IT! ARRRRGGGHHHHH

"multiple text messages"

Going on the "What is the correct pronunciation of Boyes" theme, I like it.

my aprentice mentioned that he went into trap two with his 18 yr old girlfriend , but had to stop as it hurt HIM .
I advised that next time they attempt such activities they should use warm butter and coleslaw .
It was a real struggle to keep a straight face while i gave him the said advice , but he is rather naive , and he appeared to be taking my advice seriously .
Should I tell him i was winding him up , or just let him try my sugestion ?

No I have a semi, well that is I have half of one, the Nationwide own the other half, apparently.

Thinking about it I've always had semi's, apart from two terraced ones.

Hope this helps.

The word you are looking for is Spam.

Warm butter and coleslaw aside how much of a greyhound fan do you have to be to want to actually get out there and run the experience for yourself, I'm not really surprised that it hurt him, they are rather small for humans you know - maybe he could try a horse starting stalls next time ?

Dear Auntie McField
The guard on my train keeps telling me such things as "This service is now arriving into King's Cross where we terminate".
Quite apart from his misuse of prepositions (how do you arrive "into"?), inappropriate verbs (how do we "terminate"?, surely it's the journey that terminates?) and nouns (the service can't arrive, can it?, it's the train or "we" that arrive, surely?), during the journey he insists on repeatedly listing every item that can be obtained from the buffet car.

My question is, should I get an iPod so that I can't hear him or would one of those huge pairs of earphones, that look like something a Cyberman would wear, be better?

A far cheaper option would be to sing very loudly whenever he makes an announcement, better still, stand up and sing very loudly whenever he makes an announcement, perhaps an classical aria or Meatloafs chorus from "Bat Out Of Hell", and on the plus side by the time you arrive into Wakefield you'll have the seat all to yourself.

Its win/win.

You haven't heard me sing, obviously.
Oh, and I travel in the "quiet coach", so I couldn't possibly sing, it's just not done y'know.

Even better when you're on the "quiet coach", you'll soon find that people start to move away from you and it will very shortly be very quiet indeed, you being the only one in it.

I've been in the "quiet coach" to Birmingham and heard people shushing other people when they start up their laptops and get the Windows jingle, I'm just glad I have an eReader and don't have to rustle pages in a book, its a Sony and fortunately has a silent click to turn the page, just don't read humorous books thats all.

Do I make myself soup for tea or do I open the pot of soup I bought from Sainsbury's?

One has the satisfaction of being hand made by me, with only the finest ingredients that I can find lying around in the kitchen cupboards ( old spuds, a carrott, half an onion and a tin of tuna), the other might be edible (if I add a load of salt and chilli sauce to it).

And befere you suggest a trip to the local Chinese, I am on a weight loss programme at the moment, two stone to go so I can fit in my already ordered tour shirt (I went for medium - the size below the one that actually fit me). Tour is at Easter.

Try this recipe...

Search cupboard under stairs for an old walking boot, the older the better, preferably with the sole hanging off.
Boil in a pan of water for several hours.
Serve straight from pan adding salt & pepper to taste.

Makes a tasty meal for four (depending on size of boot).




I found it in an old Charlie Chaplin film, its very good.

The Gold Rush. Seen it many times myself, back in the days when the BBC used to put Chaplin, The Marx Brothers and Laurel and Hardy on every day at Christmas.

The old boot would probably taste better with fiery red pepper hot sauce on though. I have some of that.

Speaking of boots, the old cliche of the bad fisherman catching one isn't as made up as you would think. I used to compete in the junior match up at Roundhay Park every year (me and about 400 or 500 other kids), and one year the kid next to me actually caught an old boot. It was the only thing he reeled in all day and he was really excited until he saw it. I didn't laugh, it was hard but I managed it.

People might be eating so I'll keep it simple;

Front-to-back or back-to-front?

I've never been shushed but I have witnessed quite vigorous shushings, including an elderly gent who stood up and spake thus to the entire carriage "If anyone is in any doubt of the meanings of the words Quiet or Coach, I should be only too pleased to instruct them".

Oh the irony...

Are potato waffle sandwiches wrong?

Not with lashings of tomato sauce, no.

Speaking of waffle irons, this weekend I must locate some maple syrup and have the unhealthiest breakfast ever, a mountain of proper home made cinnamon waffles soaked in maple syrup.

Nice.

Edited to avoid you embarassing yourself .

There must be cake .

Mashed potato sarnies .. Right or wrong ?

Mate at work swears by them . He has them with beans and ketchup .

I think his mother should have a word with him .

Oh ! He is ginger by the way .

Last sentence means the rule book goes in the bin, thats all.

On the Waffle theme, is a sweet waffle classed as cake?

If it has jam and cream on it then I am always prepared to put the rule book in my back pocket and just eat.

If there is a small mountain of them and a whole bottle of maple syrup then it is sufficient to call it breakfast and get stuck in.




And while we're on the subject, my breakfast in the Workhouse in Birmingham this morning...

A glass of fresh orange
A bowl of grapefriut
A low calorie yoghurt
A small espresso














Then for the main course from the self service buffet...

Four slices of smoked bacon
Two slices of unsmoked bacon
Two Irish sausages
Two hash browns
A slice of black pudding
Two fried tomatoes
A large dollop of scrambled egg
Lashings of brown sauce
A croissant
Two more double espresso's



I love it when someone else is picking up the bill.