I too like to fully fruited (& laced) dark looking Christmas cake, but I find that unless it is made before September it hasn't matured enough to be at its best by the festive season. I would prefer to wait until Easter to really enjoy it. As you say best eaten with a nice strong cheese. Classic

our neighbour makes us one in august. beautiful and rich with a piece of strong chedder on top. lovely

Cheddar FFS? Tad you heathen! Must be Wensleydale at least (or for folk with no morals whatsoever that crumbly stuff from over the border)

Try some old Manchego. The biz.

Haha I get you now.

I've got nothing to do with the Wigan board so don't blame me for what goes on there!



Yeah I wore my coat on the way here all the way from the Wigan board. I must have left it in the coat on my way home and then I popped off to the Sin Bin so I've probably left it there.

Hurrah, I won't loose any more cake

Dear Mr Field.
Is there a specific ratio of bigness to daftness ?
I have noticed that some of the daft stuff done by the little guys is as bad , if not worse , than the behaviour of the big lads ?

classic Baldrick.

There is a specific problem with the big daft lad syndrome in small players and that is that the daftness is concentrated into a smaller package and is therefore, dafter.

A small big daft lad is far more likely to do even dafter things than a big daft lad, but he'll be faster so you might not notice.

for further details, see Sean Long

Dear Mr. Field,

Some years ago, I was feeling very bad with a stinky cold and some flu-like symptoms and took a Lemsip. The next day I went to the doctor and he told me I had glandular fever.

I've got a similar cold at the moment but am worried that if I take another Lemsip it might give me glandular fever again.
In your esteemed opinion, am I worrying unnecessarily, or should I look for alternative medication?

I would avoid Lemsip in the same manner that one would always try and avoid something like a plague for instance.

All you need for a nasty head cold is a bowl of just-boiled water, a tub of Vick and a towel, put Vick in water, put towel over head and place face within 3 millimetres of the just boiled water, breath deeply of the fumes for the next hour.

You won't be cured but you'll be high on Vick for days and the skin on your face will be nicely scalded through at least several layers, in extreme case your face may fall off.

For a nasty chest cold take one large onion and slice in half, place each half on a baking tray with the flat part upwards, pile substantial amounts of brown sugar on top of each onion half and then place tray into a hot oven. When the sugar has melted and drained through the onion, spoon back onto onion for a while until the sugar liquid is properly onionised.

Drain the liquid and drink.


Neither of the above methods will help you at all but my mother was convinced that they would and as a kid would apply both "cures" at random intervals through the winter, often when I didn't even have a cold at all and because I had to go through all of that I don't see why you shouldn't either.

Port and Brandy.

Kill or Cure.

Onionised sugar works in the same way.

Except that it will definitely kill you.

Is that what you're using to sort your shoulder/arm/hand out?

Hey Mac, what's an approved cure for screaming kids on public transport?

There used to be a perfect solution when the buses had open platforms at the back - you could throw them off, preferably while the bus was moving.

These days I understand that buses have doors that only the driver can open, mores the pity, so given that you can't just dump them off the platform into the face of following traffic I would suggest something a little more subtle -scare the out of them, have you ever seen a little kid who has had the scared out of them - they don't make another murmur, sometimes not for months.

I suggest fire eating.

Carry a small bottle of methylated spirits and a bic lighter at all times, and always sit at the front of the bus - if any kids start to play up behind you its then so much easier to take a gobfull of meths then turn to face them and advance down the bus before igniting a huge fireball of fumes - if you can spray it down your nose then even better.

The kids won't speak for years, they'll be in therapy until they're pensioners.

I wish. Port and brandy is a final solution to my problem i suppose, albeit it comes with a downside that wont be able to stand up, see straight or have any form of useful motor functions.

I would take that over Karvol capsules any day.

The suppository option on that capsule hits the spot.

You get a sore throat in your a[irs[/ie ?

Hmmm, well it certainly opens the channel.

I'll flag it with my pervy GP next time.

Mr Field,

I’ve just received an email confirming Rob Da Bank finds me hilarious. What do I tweet him?

Edit:

The medical term is proctopharyngitis and it's a common ailment amongst many habitual users of internet forums. Recent research suggests that a sore throat in your a[irs[/ie can be caused by talking out of it too often.

Well I never, does the TCP burn when you gargle it ?

You should write, "Who are you, do I owe you money, do you owe me money. and do you like cake"