You need to put your foot down right now young man, or in your case, a wheel.

If talk of credit cards were not a subtle enough signal that she wishes unfettered access to your bank account then the word "wedding" should start the alarm bells ringing.

Do you know a good lawyer ?

Make him your best man and then invite all of his associates to the wedding as well and at the alter when the vicar turns to you, smiles that cynical smile and asks if you are ready to take your vows your legal team should form a huddle around you and insist that any and all vows and commitments are directed through them first, in writing.

It will make for a long service but at the end of it you will be sure that you have only exposed yourself to as much risk as is negligible and you will not find yoruself sitting on the corner of Briggate and The Headrow in five years time with a pile of Big Issues at your feet replaying the key points of where it all went wrong.

This is a dangerous path you are now treading, be very cautious, don't expect or think that females think in any way or manner like males do, they do not, they are not even the same species, they were imposed on what was at the time a very happy male only world in the year 400BC by an alien life force, just to ruin fooking things for us and we've been in tears ever since.

Mr Field . Can you settle a long-standing argument please ?

Who actually SUFFERS most from PMT ? ...


Women GET it , But is it true that it is the male of the species that are the only ones that actually SUFFER it ?

Your first mistake is to assume that they are the female of the human species, for they are not, there is no female of the human species for they were made extinct in 400BC by what we now call "Woman". Prior to 400BC the female of the human species was far more like us males, carefree, relaxed, good natured, stout hearted, a "mate" in times of hardship, a firm handshake and a hearty slap on the back - all females were once thus.

The species that we now call "Woman" was deposited here on earth by alien intruders who will return in a very short number of years now to claim earth as theirs just as soon as their ised and ruthlessly cloned "Woman" has reached a position of total domination over us menfolk - that day is not far away now, heed my warning.

In the meantime...

The mantra "I forgive you my dear for you know not what you do" is well worth writing down on red card and placing in your wallet for times such as this, even as you are being battered by relentless wittering and whining, even as you are lambasted for the fortieth time that week because she's come back home and found that you've been sat working hard at studying the racing papers all afternoon while four days of washing up sits in the sink and a weeks worth of your newly washed underpants lay in the washing machine instead of being hung outside, even during these ridiculous outbursts of wasted energy you still have a moment to withdraw the red card and read out loud to the little woman, "I forgive you for you know not what you do" while patting her on the head - heres a tip though, don't be turned away still watching the TV set while doing this for Woman can be devious and in an instance you may find a knife between your ribs.

I also find it useful to point out to them at times of complaint that actually, they are gilding the lily a little in their complaining, after all when she, in a tantrum, is pointing out that you have never washed any of your clothes at all during your relationship and its always her who has to do so, you'll find is a good time to mention that its the machine in the kitchen that actually does the clothes washing and how hard can it be to put a bundle of clothes into it and close the door - its not like you're expecting her to take said clothes down to the river and beat them with stones is it ?

So do as I say and write down those words on red card and keep them about your person at all times, for as sure as eggs is eggs "I forgive you my dear for you know not what you do" will be the last thing you ever say one day.

Dear McLaren Field,

I have become (of my own volition) very troubled by my apparent inability to worry about things. I feel very worried about this. Is there any advice you can offer on how to manage this worry? I asked my wife, but all she said was "don't worry."

Its always useful to worry about something, your wife is misleading you on this issue and you should maybe worry about the fact that she doesn't want you to worry about anything, what is she trying to hide, why does she object so to your rummaging in her wardrobe of a weekend and what DOES she do at those Zumba classes at Rickys Gym every Tuesday and what is Zumba a metaphor for anyway ?

We need to know.

Perhaps "Zumba" is similar to "putting a gnome in the back garden" after all?

No, that's Feng Shui.

Best. Reposte. Ever.

Always nice to see one's work acknowledged, no matter how belatedly.

Now, to engage a chiropractor for young Damo. I fear his neck may have been permanently damaged by watching that comment fly over his head.

He's like one of those Falklands penguins that fall over watching jets you know.

Dear McLaren Field

I know i may be opening myself up to massive ridicule here, but, as a Bradford fan, is it wrong of me to come onto a L**ds forum and thoroughly enjoy reading the musings of probably the best poster on the whole rlfans forums, who happends to be a loiner, and keep comming back?

Damo in positive review shocker

Thinks of this not as a L**ds forum but of a guidebook to life, love, and cake, there has to be cake.

Cakestander.com

Mr field, I’m off on a bar crawl in Leeds on Monday. However the mate I’m going with has a strong scouse accent. Which places are best avoided?

Think not of this forum as a home for the L**ds internet dwellers to cast their views on the fortunes of the team that inhabits that fair city , but think of it as a place where allcomers are welcomed to be enlightened by the master .
We know not why we are drawn here . We only know that we are drawn .
Be the tortures and turmoils you are suffering related to cake , relationships , rugby , car , gnomes , domestic duties, or other , the wisened one will be here to advise you how best to deal with it .

The rest of us will be loitering ready to pounce and take the pi$$ .

Share cake people, share cake, we have visitors.

Nothing is off limits Damo, you need not restrict yourself to any particular type of establishment at all, wander free as wildebeest on the majestic serengeti plains, ponder awhile amongst the ancient charms of Leeds City centre and draw deeply of its good times, ale and vittles.

Leave the scouser at home though, theres a good lad.

Dear Mr Field

How do I explain in a nice way to people that it's "pudding" and not "dessert"?

I'll let you know how it goes



Anyhow I’m sure many will be wondering about this. What is the ultimate lesion in life you’d give me?

Kapow

I don't want to go shopping to the White Rose again, we went on Friday night. How do I get out of these shopping trips? I don't mind if I need something, like DVDs or a KFC, but I don't need anything and I don't want her trying on 77 different things and asking me how her ar-se looks in them all.

Show her this photograph and tell her its just been emailed to you from someone's phone ...

You take one of those deep mixing bowls, the ones that mothers keep in the cupboard with all of the other stuff that hardly gets used but which are considered absolutely essential for women to own in the home, and you point to it and ask the person what it is called.

Invariably they will say it is a "Pudding Bowl".

You smile sweetly and thank them for confirmation and then you ask that they always refer to the last course of each meal as a pudding from now on as there is no such thing as a "Dessert Bowl".

Then you hit them with the pudding bowl, very hard, in the middle of their forehead so that it leaves a mark and in this way they will never forget the lesson.

Works every time.

Let cake into your life, there has to be cake.

The highlight of yesterday had to be wandering around CostCo and on one of the freebie hand-out things were cake.

It was lovely.

It got even better when my Mum bought one of the cakes.