Mr Field I have recently (today) put a garden gnome in the backyard. How do I convince my parents that it’s worthy of a more permanent residence in the picturesque front garden?

thank you my old friend, i now fill more at ease with the world, and the stares i get when i venture out

One gnome on his own will not suffice, for a true sophisticated look you need to purchase several more gnomes, many more gnomes actually, a coverage of one per square foot is a good guide to work to and make sure they are all different, as well as the obvious fishing gnomes you should have at least one leaning on a shovel, one smoking a pipe, and one bouncing on the trampoline (you have still got the trampoline in your front garden haven't you ?) nothing quite sets off a front garden like a big trampoline with net and lots of gnomes - a true indicator of timeless style.

Let us know when you can't squeeze any more gnomes onto the front lawn and I'll see if I can persuade the Google Earth satellite to pass over your street again.

Next week we will discuss fibreglass stone-look-e-likeee cladding for your house and by how much it will affect your neighbours house price.

WOW YOU HAVE CONNECTIONS TO THE GUYS AT GOOGLE EARTH?!?! How did you get connections to the guys who run Google Earth?

Very similar to how you become moderator on here I guess.

Anyhow the garden now has a pavilion like decking in place of where the trampoline used to be. Unfortunately I put the Garden Gnome at the front and it was smashed to smithereens.

Today I have been appointed to be the head of a youth steering group with the might of the big lottery fund possibly available. Mr Field you have known me for a while. What leadership qualities do I need to make this a success?

Is this a euphemism?

I assume that it is intended that you will be setting the youths a good example, something on the lines of "Look at me and how successful and wealthy I have become, a pillar of society and of benefit to all", and that you will then recount to them your path to fame and fortune by extolling the virtues of hard work and perseverance in order that you will mentor them to their own goals and ambitions ?

No, I can't think why the fook they have chosen you either.

I don’t quite understand?

The garden Gnome was real!

I’ll be doing more ‘creating success’ rather than ‘living off success’. They’ve obviously seen some potential in me

They are either very deeply insightful people, or drunk.

Perhaps you should ask which one applies before taking up the position ?

Just very nice people that’s all!

Just think within the next two years I could be having tea with the queen or even better – David Cameron. I’ve got a lot of work before that type of recognition kicks in though.

Dear Mr Mclaren, it is with the heaviest of heart I seek out your sagely counsel.

Sadly it was announced by that nice man from the RFL that my team have withdrawn from the application process for Super League.

My quandary is how and where should I now get my RL fix?

I live is S Wales and travelled some 250 mile round trip for every home game at Wrexham.

To date I have only missed two away games this season Catalans (a struggle to overcome the language barrier) and Hull FC (no chance of overcoming the language barrier)

As you can see distance is not a barrier.

Is it best that I give up on RL in Wales or should I follow the SW Scorpions (the fall out from Crusaders leaving the South) with no hope of any future success (like Huddersfield fans)?

Should I be a glory hunter and support a team that has only recently become quite successful (like Warrington fans over the last few years)

Or given the vitriol I've faced at grounds for being south of the M62 and the RFL's experiment should I start supporting Quins?

P.S. Cas, Wakey and Widnes are out as I only have four fingers and a thumb on each hand (not the required 5 fingers)

Many thanks

OK, I always find it useful at times like these to summarise the options in a "pros" and "cons" table because you'll always find that the decisions will make themselves that way...

So lets start with the ones that you have already ruled out...

Crusaders - your current team until the end of this season but soon to become o'Hara's next best customer (they should get a discount the second time around, and so soon as well), we'll file this one under "Thanks for the memories, who were they again ?"

Hull FC and Hull KR - as you so succinctly noted the language barrier alone makes this a non starter but can you honestly imagine having to travel there once a fortnight, I'd give you a month before you're stood on top of the safety rails in the middle of the Humber Bridge shouting "Its for the best, tell my mother I'm sorry I brought such shame on the family, don't come any closer copper or I'll jump..."

Catalans - the language barrier would not be as big an issue as you believe as the French really admire a Celt, wait a minute, yes a Celt, thats what I said, the food barrier may be an issue though and if you are travelling over there once a fortnight you're going to need to stoke up on Iceland frozen Laver Bread, frozen chopped leek and those special burgers that only mobile burger vans use, the ones made from real lips, skin and cattle s - and a cool box for the Ryanair hold.

Warrington - applications to be a Wire band wagoner are now full and with a waiting list for next years wagon you'd be better leaving them for 12 months or so.

Wakefield - no need to drive all the way there from South Wales once a fortnight, just settle down in your kitchen, turn off all the lights, put on an old suit with a muffler scarf and woollen gloves with the fingers cut out and watch "This Sporting Life" on dvd shouting "Come on our Frank" at regular intervals, then go for a walk in the rain and have a fight with a random stranger.

Widnes - I would not recommend anyone to deliberately travel to Widnes, especially at fortnightly intervals, in fact if I hear that you've selected Widnes as your team of choice I think that we can probably get a court injunction on you visiting the place on public health grounds.

Harlequins - who they ?

Castleford - see Wakefield but whilst out walking in the rain pick at least two fights with random strangers and shout "Aye" before starting every sentence and "Hur, Hur" at the end of every sentence.

Huddersfield - by next season if you turn up at their borrowed ground you will will probably know all of the home support by their first names, you'll drink in a round with them all and you'll share the same taxi back to the train station, by the end of next season you'll know where the keys to the ground are left and you'll be expected to sweep up and lock up before you go home.

The remainder ...

St Helens - don't be daft lah, no really, you wouldn't want to would you ?

Wigan - its like trying to watch sport at the worlds most unsuccessful weight watchers club and its only a matter of time before all of those cheap oversized JJB nylon replica shirts (many dating back to the 1990s) cause a huge conflagration in those warehouse stands, seriously, you shouldn't stack nylon products that close together, one of these days one of them will bend down for the next pie, rub up against their neighbour and "WHUFF" up they go, "WHUFF" I tell you.

Salford - has possibilities, especially if their new ground at the side of the Barton viaduct is finished in time for next season, there is however one small issue with the new ground that no-one appears to have noted - there is no junction on the M62 to service it, you can see the ground, and very nice it looks too, but you can't get off the bloody motorway to get to it, I predict that most supporters will watch most games from the ever present traffic jam on the Barton Viaduct next season and for this you should consider them, its free and if you can do a U-turn on the M62 at full time you'll be facing towards Wales again.

Leeds - sorry, there are no vacancies for next season, with no southstand we will be playing home games at Farsley Celtic and the budgets have already been cut to counter the downturn in income, you may have already noticed this.

and finally, Bradford - my brother was thrown out of their posh new corporate stand on its inaugural match night because he made it known by means of a cheer when Leeds scored that he was not a Bradford supporter, the fact that he weighed under 20 stone and was not trying to wear a child size replica shirt seemingly having passed by security on the door, the actual words spoken to him by the security officer who eventually escorted him from the building were "This isn't a stand for people like you, this is for local supporters", thats why its mostly empty now and its why a Welshman would probably not return from those parts upon his first visit, they'd eat you.

Dear McF

I was in Hull city centre Wetherspoons on Sunday dinner and there appeared to be a fair number of your compatriots also present, possibly straight from the train station.

I was just wondering if Leeds is currently suffering from some form of obesity epidemic as there appeared a hell of a lot of fat fookers in, sporting pinky stripes.

In fact, a Wigan fan has just contacted our board enquiring about eating establishments for Fridays game.
A fellow supporter has mentioned the said establishment but I've had to counter by informing that I doubt very much there'll be any burgers left.

Ah yes, those will be the porky ones that we had gathered up over the last few months and had put on a cattle train for disposal in Hull, they were quite ugly too ?

Yes those would be the same ones.

Its an ongoing project to rid our city of these types, we don't want them, they are a drain on resources and just bring down the tone of the place, on the other hand we have heard that they are generally well received in Hull as "The Purty Ones" and quickly settle into a new life as objects of desire.

There will be another shipment shortly, please sign all documentation and fax back to us as proof of delivery.

Dear Mr Field,

I have recently read a series of postings on an internet forum which I regularly frequent, relating to my favourite sport. Much of this advice sounds very sage indeed, and I never think any of us should feel like we can't benefit from such sage counsel every now and then.

I have therefore resolved to ask a question of my own. My problem is this: I am unable to think of any specific issue in my life which needs to be addressed at this time. I hoped you might be able to help me to identify a topic, and perhaps you could suggest a question?

Please advise. Over.

What your hangover cure McCluckles?

A pint of Irn Bru and lots and lots of paracetamol.

And then burp lots of times and have a big poo.

Sorted

Dear Mr Field.

Upon looking around a few wedding venues today (Rudding Park, Otley Chevin, Woodlands Hotel, Oulton Hall), the other half suggested that 'to save me lots of hassle', she should get a wedding credit card...

Is this advisable?

Your major problem seems to be your inability to worry about anything, this in itself is a worry, its not natural to not have anything to worry about and you should start worrying about this with all due haste.

No-one has a perfect life, especially those who have females interfering in their daily routine and it should be easy to pick several elements to worry over and to ask advice on, its very worrying that you are incapable of doing so and I for one are worried about your mental health, I fear that you have been totally subjugated by an outside influence, probably female, into thinking that everything is perfect, whereas in fact you are simply robotically going through her routines at her beck and call - you need to worry about this, I would worry for you but I have enough things of my own to worry about.

Are you worried yet, you should be, we are all worried for you, get back to us immediately that you have something to worry about and we'll talk.

You need to put your foot down right now young man, or in your case, a wheel.

If talk of credit cards were not a subtle enough signal that she wishes unfettered access to your bank account then the word "wedding" should start the alarm bells ringing.

Do you know a good lawyer ?

Make him your best man and then invite all of his associates to the wedding as well and at the alter when the vicar turns to you, smiles that cynical smile and asks if you are ready to take your vows your legal team should form a huddle around you and insist that any and all vows and commitments are directed through them first, in writing.

It will make for a long service but at the end of it you will be sure that you have only exposed yourself to as much risk as is negligible and you will not find yoruself sitting on the corner of Briggate and The Headrow in five years time with a pile of Big Issues at your feet replaying the key points of where it all went wrong.

This is a dangerous path you are now treading, be very cautious, don't expect or think that females think in any way or manner like males do, they do not, they are not even the same species, they were imposed on what was at the time a very happy male only world in the year 400BC by an alien life force, just to ruin fooking things for us and we've been in tears ever since.

Mr Field . Can you settle a long-standing argument please ?

Who actually SUFFERS most from PMT ? ...


Women GET it , But is it true that it is the male of the species that are the only ones that actually SUFFER it ?

Your first mistake is to assume that they are the female of the human species, for they are not, there is no female of the human species for they were made extinct in 400BC by what we now call "Woman". Prior to 400BC the female of the human species was far more like us males, carefree, relaxed, good natured, stout hearted, a "mate" in times of hardship, a firm handshake and a hearty slap on the back - all females were once thus.

The species that we now call "Woman" was deposited here on earth by alien intruders who will return in a very short number of years now to claim earth as theirs just as soon as their ised and ruthlessly cloned "Woman" has reached a position of total domination over us menfolk - that day is not far away now, heed my warning.

In the meantime...

The mantra "I forgive you my dear for you know not what you do" is well worth writing down on red card and placing in your wallet for times such as this, even as you are being battered by relentless wittering and whining, even as you are lambasted for the fortieth time that week because she's come back home and found that you've been sat working hard at studying the racing papers all afternoon while four days of washing up sits in the sink and a weeks worth of your newly washed underpants lay in the washing machine instead of being hung outside, even during these ridiculous outbursts of wasted energy you still have a moment to withdraw the red card and read out loud to the little woman, "I forgive you for you know not what you do" while patting her on the head - heres a tip though, don't be turned away still watching the TV set while doing this for Woman can be devious and in an instance you may find a knife between your ribs.

I also find it useful to point out to them at times of complaint that actually, they are gilding the lily a little in their complaining, after all when she, in a tantrum, is pointing out that you have never washed any of your clothes at all during your relationship and its always her who has to do so, you'll find is a good time to mention that its the machine in the kitchen that actually does the clothes washing and how hard can it be to put a bundle of clothes into it and close the door - its not like you're expecting her to take said clothes down to the river and beat them with stones is it ?

So do as I say and write down those words on red card and keep them about your person at all times, for as sure as eggs is eggs "I forgive you my dear for you know not what you do" will be the last thing you ever say one day.

Dear McLaren Field,

I have become (of my own volition) very troubled by my apparent inability to worry about things. I feel very worried about this. Is there any advice you can offer on how to manage this worry? I asked my wife, but all she said was "don't worry."

Its always useful to worry about something, your wife is misleading you on this issue and you should maybe worry about the fact that she doesn't want you to worry about anything, what is she trying to hide, why does she object so to your rummaging in her wardrobe of a weekend and what DOES she do at those Zumba classes at Rickys Gym every Tuesday and what is Zumba a metaphor for anyway ?

We need to know.