Scoring is an inevitabilty McF.
I was just hoping for a little more guidance off you in which direction to head.

No worries, I will sniff something out.
One has cracked far more difficult locations than t'Leeds. (see how one is fine-tuning ones accent).

I can offer one suggestion which may be of use.

Send a PM to Damo and offer him five pounds to come into Leeds on Friday night (any more than that and you'll confuse him, he doesn't know that you can use both hands to count yet) and another ten bob for him to go chat up your own choice of females in any establishment for a minimum of 30 minutes each.

All you have to do is to stand back and wait until his time is up, then be the next one in ... you could look like Shrek and smell like Donkey and you'd still be Omar Sharif by comparison following Damo.

You're now pimping Damo out?!

I would say number of shops is not the issue, its time spent in said shops. Women can spend literally hours in a single shop. You should look for a ratio for time rather than establishments

Dear Mr Field, sorry I've not had time to thank you for your guidance on a previous manner but after following your advice I've only just regained the use of my arms.

Given that we have signed Mr Senior at Crusaders I wonder if you could advise on how to address said person should we ever meet? Previous names that I have called Mr Senior may now not be appropriate given he will now be representing my supported team not smashing it to bits.

Thanks in advance.

Why certainly

But may I first preface my advice with due caution being that addressing a Gentleman in a manner deserving of his status is always dependant on the circumstances of your meeting.

As an example, Mr Senior is known to be quite tall for his age, you can only imagine his consternation if on standing adjacent to him in the Gentlemens Rest room stalls you addressed him in a manner that used the familiar "Big Boy", and especially if you were stood behind rather than to the side.

Mr Senior is also known to be quite bald for his age, such a shame when a young man goes quite so bald I always think particularly as there are so many good wig makers on the High Street these days, or indeed specialist surgeons who will re-thatch your gleaming pate for a reasonable fee (just don't go for the cheap immigrant surgeries off Harley Street for I have heard that they use pubic hair and it turns grey far too soon you know), anyway I digress, it would not be acceptable to use the refrain "Oye Baldy" under most any circumstance for I have heard that Mr Senior is quite touchy about his shiny dome and is prone to punching the lights out of anyone who points or refers to it.

Nor is it a good idea to remind Mr Senior that he once had a relationship with a female that went, shall we say, rather publicly wrong, its never a good idea to wash your dirty linen in public and even worse to allow the public to photograph your dirty linen spread all across your front lawn and then have it published in a national newspaper, not good at all, lets not refer to this topic in his presence.

Nor would it be advisable to mention the smell of horse poo that always seems to pervade shortly after Mr Senior enters the room, for Mr Senior is well known for his show jumping prowess and its just possible that he trod in something when departing his house and it would not be good form to point this out to him, "Christ theres a right whiff of horse s[ihi[/it around here" is not a good way to strike up a conversation with him, instead try something like "Fallen off any good horses recently ?"

I would also desist from asking if he's shut the gate behind him when he arrived or if he's lost any dogs recently, for that conversation will always end in tears - principally yours.

No, I would tend to default to the tried and tested "Hello Gareth", for in your team you have at least a 50% chance of addressing the correct pointy headed bald old git at any given time.

I’ve recently been given a free travel pass for the whole of West Yorkshire to last me till 2016. It’s a dream come true on a smaller scale because I’ve always wanted to be a travel writer. Mr Field what places should be visited and where should be avoided?

^ Avoid Bradford?

That’s a bit on my doorstep. I’m planning on going somewhere further afield (literally I know) like Halifax. I hear that Hipperholme is nice!

Dear Mr Field....

After a pleasant enough evening on t'SouthStand I ventured into t'Taps for a post-match g&t.....

however shortly after getting me first drink me and me mates found ourselves being courted by a couple of forty-something 'Ull fans.....proved difficult to shake off but we did eventually get rid of 'em....

thing is we are planning a trip o'er to t'fair city of 'Ull next Sunday and would like to avoid a similar encounter...

just wondering if could you offer any advise as to how to travel to said soccer ground and surrounding public houses wi'out attracting t'unwelcome attention of middle age cod-heads....

To be a successful travel writer means going to places that the masses have not yet explored as a holiday destination, it means being the first one to discover a wonderful waterfall, a new blue lagoon, that sumptuous little restaurant down by the quayside that specialises in lobster and quail dishes. it means writing to a template where you recommend that people visit all of the above, and a local church, no travel article is complete without a recommendation to visit a local church despite the fact that its the last thing that people actually think of while they are on holiday.

Bearing all this in mind and given your recent good fortune regarding the travel pass I would recommend you get the bus to Todmorden, the last stop on the West Yorkshire line and without doubt one of the dullest places within our borders.

Todmorden could do with a visit and a write-up from you for it has nothing else at all going for it, true you would have to tart up the article a little, maybe lie about its wonderful marina where the millionaires hang out of an evening (there isn't one) and exaggerate a little on the marvellous little restaurant with the oh so wonderful personal service which faces onto the ancient market square (its a chippy that only opens on a Wednesday lunch and the owner is a miserable git who will tell you to f*** off when you ask for extra vinegar).

You could do wonders for Todmorden Damo and the locals will welcome you with open arms as an intellectual superior, probably the only place in West Yorkshire where you can guarantee this to happen other than Castleford.

Take an oxe's jaw bone with you.

Have you ever seen the film "[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ML1OZCHixR02001 Space Oddessy[/url" and the dawn of man scene ?

I will say no more, watch the clip and learn how to deal with those who have not yet learned how to use tools.

Ahem.

I didn't have you down as being so metro-centric, Uncle Mac.
True, the charms of Todmorden (or Tod as the laconic locals refer to it.) are not as up-front and in yer face as they are in the throbbing pulse and economic engine of growth of Northern England that is Leeds but they grow on you slowly, like mildew.

The low-key humour of the residents surfaces in the name of the hairdresser's in Water Street.
Not for them the silly names like [iCurl up 'n' Dye[/i or [iHead Quarters[/i ... no, as befits a higher-class coiffeurist in such a cultural haven, it carries a moniker of significance ... [iSweeney's of Tod[/i.

You are incorrect about the Marina, it does have one and very nice it is too, although perhaps a little quiet. (OK, silent.)

As for eating-out, I'm sorry but I have to correct you again, restaurants absolutely abound in Tod and, having tried both of them, I can report that they are well up to scratch.
Well, one of them is, the other even manages a one-out-of-five stars for hygiene. (Beat that Leeds !)

In the many welcoming hostelries, you will rarely fall into conversation about the weather, after all, what's to say about it? "It's raining again" or "I see it's still raining"? Hence, freed from such inanity, you will be drawn into erudite and intellectual discussion, usually about how Hebden Bridge is up it's own arris and how them Southerners have pushed local house prices up beyond previously undreamed-of levels, i.e. above the average person's credit card limit.
(Southerners means not from here and not from North of here, but from the East, West or South, it's doesn't matter, they're all Southerners).

To the vexed question of which county in which Tod lies ... here it doesn't matter who you ask, you will always get the same answer, which is "Depends who you ask" ... and which, frankly, gets you nowhere.
Tod is the only place on earth where Lancastrians and Yorkshiremen don't rub each other up the wrong way, as no-one there really knows whether they are Yorkshire or Lancashire-born or whether their parents were either.

Stepping beyond the capitalist capitulation to which most of us succumb, Todmorden has a vegetable growing scheme (Incredible Edible) where you grow some veg somewhere public, be it churchyard, canal bank, carpark flower bed,or whatever ... and if someone wants some of it, they take what they need but only that much.
That is so "Upper Calderdale"

Tod is definitely [unot[/u the oft-imagined "land that time forgot".
Indeed, time has not yet even heard of it and the world has yet to catch up with it.

Damo, Tod awaits you.
Embrace it and, once you have gazed down upon its neat terraced rows from the weather-lashed outcrops of Bridestones, you'll never want to leave.
Or be able to, if Northern trains are running normally.

Were used to plying the local skirt with a couple of halves of John Smiths round our neck of the woods.
That generally guarentees a knee-trembler and a quick ten minutes of bump and grind.

Fooking G+T's ?
You're having a giraffe aren't you?

Anyways if you fancy some public house toilet cubicle action you'll find us round the ground in Parkers, Eagle or Three Crowns.
All sumptious high class drinking establishments.



PS.... We managed to sneak a couple of pieces back into the Queens and we performed a little more successfully than what our boys had done on the park earlier in the night.

oi you, what the fck is wrong with looking like shrek?!!!!

You are an inspiration to us all in the manner in which you have turned "looking like Shrek" from a negative into a positive.

McLaren,

My Dad has gone away for a week with work. My girlfriend has moved in for the week. Now i'm all for this, she made my pack up for work last night, tidied up after me and has promised to prepare tea tonight. But, my only gripe with her is that she wont do the washing up!?!?!?! How can i convince her to do this aswell?

TIA

I'm looking forward to this reply, we could all be about to learn a very valuable lesson!

I'm almost lost for words.

This is at the core of this country's problems and its been coming to this for the last twenty years or so, my parents generation never faced problems like this, my father never washed a dish in his life, when he was serving in Africa during WWII he had his own little black boy to wash up for him (absolutely true), when he came home he had my mother and when she died he still wouldn't wash up preferring to eat off paper plates with plastic cutlery and throw them away after each meal, to suggest to him that men should do the washing up would cause him to swoon and then clip you around the back of the head and tell you to pull yourself together.

You have obviously let this go almost too far in this case and I can only bring my dog training skills to the table here, maybe you can get her to do the washing up tonight by promising her a biscuit and patting her head while she is stood at the sink with words of encouragement like "Good dog, there's a good dog", then make her sit, give you a paw and hand her the biscuit.

When you regain conciousness get the nurse to post on here which ward you are in and we'll send grapes.

I've just sat here and was almost in tears.

Cheers McLaren, I'll try that tonight.

What type of biscuit do you recommend? I think we have custard creams in?

Ignore that know-nowt .....

The best way is to offer to give her a 'bone' while she is still stood at the sink .

Trust me .. My method works .

I am guessing a different sort of "bone" than most people would give fido!!

I must admit though your method is certainly more appealing

Save the custard creams for yourself.

Crawfords Pennywise should do.

Far too risky, she might be washing your favourite beer glass at the time and thats going to end up on the floor, broken, nothing is worth breaking your favourite beer glass for.