Ah, now you're on my specialist subject.

First, a true story - when I was working in the construction industry in the late 70s in and around the Tyneside area the concept of Health and safety on building sites existed only in the phrase "Don't walk too close to the edge of the scaffolding" but we once did a contract to build the ferry landings on both sides of the Tyne at North and South Shields - only on that site did I ever see a Health and Safety officer and it was his job to check the vaccination certificates of every worker on the site to make sure that as a minimum you had tetanus and typhoid innoculations. It was also his job to get the ambulance to attend to anyone who fell in the river as even if you were dragged out ok you had to have a period in an isolation ward to see what would develop.

They say that salmon now swim merrily up the Tyne but I suspect that they are the salmon that have had their tetanus and typhoid innoculations, so start with those and don't touch any women in the Bigg Market unless you have those as a minimum.

You should also learn a few key phrases to help you along...

"A broon" is all you need to order beer, don't ever ask for "A pint o'broon" for that will immediately mark you as an interloper, "A broon" is the phrase and you will be handed a bottle, don't ask for a glass or a straw for you are again a marked man if you do - drink it from the bottle and pretend that you are liking the experience, you won't be because its f'kin awful stuff, stand next to a potted plant and dispose of it slowly when people are distracted.

"Ah divvent kna man" is a catch-all get-out phrase if any native approaches you and says something intelligible (like every time a native approaches you), "Ah divvent kna man" is a disclosure that you understood what they were saying (even if you didn't) but you do not have the answer to their question.

Do not take offence if anyone compares you to a large garden vegetable for "Marra" is the word for a casual aquaintence, if a seven foot tall twenty stone slab of Geordie puts his arms around you and states that you are his "marra" then no matter how drunk he is just nod your head and concede the fact that you're going home with him tonight for fish and chips and his wife is going to butter some bread and make a pot of tea for you.

Never finish a sentence without the word "man" unless you are in Ashington in which case the word is "but" - "Whey ah divvent kna man" is acceptable around the Tyne which changes to "Whey ah divvent kna, but" when you venture north of Blyth, don't get it the wrong way around for trouble will follow you all night long if you do.

And finally, do not speak of Sunderland, ever.

So, Mr McLaren,

My Mum & Dad split up about a year and a half ago and I have always maintained that I do not wish to meet the "bloke" that my Mum did a runner with.

So yesterday, I rings her up and tells her that i'll be about 2mins before I get to her house. Enough warning and I was only dropping in. I get there to find he is stood outside "waiting for his taxi".

Now, i passed the bits i was dropping off at my Mums and said bye and walked off and I have told her why I have reacted like that. She then gave me some spiel about not hiding this bloke away and that she has nothing to be sorry for.

How do I get her to realise what she did was wrong?

TIA.

Man up

In all seriousness and to quote Paul Simon - "The problem is all inside your head".

Its a big tough world out here and human relationships are difficult affairs, your mum is right, she has no need to hide her bloke away from you unless you are only five years old and if she feels that she has nothing to be sorry for then that is your signal that she didn't get along with your dad as well as you think she did and you aren't ever going to change that.

You've made your point about how you feel, she knows how you feel, cutting short your visit just because something didn't suit you is being a drama queen - just get on with it and be thankful that you've still got two parents to throw a hissy fit over.




PS - I am not the other bloke, I just thought everyone should know that.

Effectively you are saying that you gave the bloke two minutes notice to get out of his own home so that you could visit?

No, what i'm wondering is why I wasn't warned of such bloke being in my mum's house. The fact that my Mum knows of how I feel and how i've felt since day 1 and she didn't bother to mention he was there?

I know that she doesn't have to hide him away from me, but i just thought abit of courtesy to tell me that he was there would've been the right thing to do? Thats probably what has p!ssed me off more than anything.

I assume its her house ?

If so and if I were you with such a problem I'd assume that he's always there and I'd ring ahead more then two minutes in advance to check, I also wouldn't expect my mother to kick her friends out of her own house just so that I could visit her - its your problem and sooner or later YOU are going to have to deal with yourself.

This is like the real deal now, with sensable advice?!

Having worked with Mackems (and dated a Leeds lass whose family was from Mackemvile) dont ever get them two mixed up



Cheers for the advice, last time I was there I did find the locals very friendly, however the locals were in Newcastle, my mate is bit unsure a night out in Whitley Bay would be a good way of showing me her town

Oh FFS, you're going to Whitley Bay ???







Oh Loz you are in for such a treat, let me just give you one piece of advice, when walking along the seafront locate The Rex Hotel then save to memory the road that runs up the far side of it - The Esplanade. This road is probably the most important road in Whitely Bay, not just because I used to live on it (there is a Blue Plaque on the wall of what used to be The Queens) but more especially because if you walk right up to the top of The Esplanade you'll find the Metro station - remember that, its important, for that is your escape route when the fight starts, as indeed it will.

Here, wallow in some nostalgia, this is what it was like when I lived there [urlhttp://whitleybayinthe70s.com/index.html[/url

Jesus, the front hasnt changed much has it



I went up in January and tbf we didn't spend much time in Whitley Bay, most of it spent in Newcastle centre

I'll have to send that link to my mate, she's not too keen on the place herself

There was a time in the 1980s when all roads in the north east led to Whitley Bay on a weekend, a time when international pop stars owned night clubs on the front ("Rio" anyone, guess who owned that place ?), a time when people queued for hours to get into any amount of clubs along the front etc etc etc

Unfortunately that was shortly after I'd left The Queens and moved further up the coast, when I lived there you had the choice of two night clubs, The Sands which was located above the bus station and about as glamorous as it sounds, and The Burgundy Cobbler [urlhttp://jerrychicken.wordpress.com/2009/08/06/whitley-bay-in-the-70s/[/url which was just so bad it was hilarious, you didn't queue to get in The Cobblers, you got grabbed off the pavement by the bouncers and got thrown inside even if you were just passing and on your way home. Its also one of two nightclubs in the North East that I've been in where the urinals in the gents had all been smashed off the wall and your aim had to be good in order to p[iis[/is down the pipe that remained sticking out of the wall - lovely classy places, you go and enjoy yourself Loz

I have family from and still live just outside ashington.

The pubs or working mens clubs up there are full of characters, still go out a few times a year there,cheap booze

As I say Mr Field, night out is in Newcastle, staing in the 'Bay

I'll recommend one thing to you - Sunday morning, Long Sands @ Tynemouth, Crusoe's Cafe on the beach, cake and coffee on the verandah while watching some random idiots surf the North Sea, keep the coastguards number on speed dial just in case - then straight after that pop up to Tynemouth Metro station and see if the Sunday market is on - some ace random 60s and 70s gear there

After watching Geordie Shore (we have to watch every single reality TV show that's on TV) I don't think Newcastle is like what it were in the 70s/80s anymore. It's all tan and muscles and tight vests and eyebrow grooming these days. And that's just the fellas.

I've been to whitley bay for 4 separate stag do's, you get off the coach, spend about 15 hours drinking on one street (south parade?), have a go on the bucking bronco thingy, have breakfast in your £15 a night hotel then get back on the coach

Not been the same since Spanish City fairground shut.

Not been the same since Grab-a-Granny night (with real Grannies) at The Rex closed.

Loz would have been like a slab of raw meat to a hungry lions cage there ...

it's the same in our house every reality show gets watched. Apparntly from the geodie shore all real gordies have fake tan, royds muscles and have jobs as one lad put " full time job, smashing birds"

I watched it last week and spent the whole hour trying to work out where the house is located, I'd heard it was Whitley Bay but its not like any street in WB that I've seen.

What they should have done is stick them all in the Per Mare Guest House with rat pie for tea every monday night, I served two years hard labour in that place in the 70s, grim is not the word...

I did most of my drinking in the cherry tree in stakeford near ashington.

Don't think the Geordie shore is in WB. Think it's near the centre and the shore bit comes from being somewhere near the Tyne.

The father in law a vetran of 60+ years in the area is gonna watch tonight to try and find it!

BEen informed it is in Gateshead

Hmm, I'm thinking its not like Swalwell or Felling