After an action packed week of fun with our friends from merseyside I thought I would lighten the mood with this quality thread.

Keep em clean people!!!

Here's one for starters.





How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?????















Put it in a microwave till its bill withers.........!!!

Scouser walks into the D.S.S. and says :-

"I've just been offered a Blow Job, If I take it will it affect my benefit claim?"

"My wife went to the doctors this week"
"Influenza?"
"Well I did suggest she seek professional medical advice, but ultimately the decision was hers"

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".

The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"

Why are saints supporters useless at making Pancakes?
Because they're all useless s

If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle

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Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked it would be mugged

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What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A Burglar

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What do you call a Scouser in a tie?
The Accused

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What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.

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What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
Big Mac and fries please

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What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?
What you looking at?

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What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit?
The Bride
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whats the most confusing day of the year in st helens?
fathers day

A saints fan once introduced me to his sister and wife. They was only one person standing they!

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers, when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over, he cups his huge ear. "Do you want a b**w job?" he whispers.

At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar.
Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.

Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies." Something about a job."

sung to the tune, "You Are My Sunshine"

You are a scouser,
An ugly scouser,
You're only happy,
on giro day,
your mum's out thieving,
your dad's drug-dealing,
so please dont take,
my hubcaps,
away.

I wasn't trying to turn this into a scouse joke thread but they are amusing!!!!






At a scouse wedding,why is the cake made from $h1te????




To keep the flies off the bride!!!!

Three men, a Scouser, a yorkshireman and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The yorkshireman wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the yorkshireman, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no f'kin chances !!!!!"

Leeds Fan during the day = 8
Saints fan during the day = 0

Leeds fan during the night = 0
Saints fan during the night = 8

Anyways 0 confronts 8 and asks him if that belt he’s wearing is his..

Q. Why do pigeons fly upside down over st helens?
A. Because there's nothing worth crapping on.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they ain't mistaken fur a st helens women

Q.What's the difference between Batman and a Scouser?
A.Batman can go anywhere without Robin.

Why do little scouse girls put fish in their knickers?
So that they can smell like big scouse girls!

Bob Hope was on 'Surprise Surprise', and bragged that despite his 97 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Cilla said, "Bob, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, Bob says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."

He sleeps for half an hour,awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Bob says, " Cilla , that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."

Cilla once again says, "Great Bob, but tell me, does my holding your testicles in my left hand and your penis in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?"

Bob replies, "No, the last time I slept with a Scouser, she stole my wallet!"

st helens women goes for an abortion. as she leaves the receptionist gives her an envelope.when she gets home she opens it and finds a cheque for £300.she rings the hospital and asks the hospital who the cheque is from.
the receptionist replies,crimestoppers

Sung to the tune of the Pussy Cat Dolls - Jai Ho

Giro-oo - because you live in St Helens

Giro-oo - because you’ll never get a job

Giro-oo - it is your destiny

Giroo-ooo-ooo

One day a scouser dies so before he goes to heaven he arrives at the gates of St Peter.
"Age?" Peter asks.
"24" the little scouser replied.
"Where did you live?"
"Well, um, st helens"
"Sorry no scousers allowed into heaven they are all robbing little tw*ts!"
"But but I have done good things."
"Like what?"
"Well, last week I gave a tenner to the homeless the week before that I gave a tenner to oxfam and the day I died I gave a tenner to the heart foundation!"
"Well I will see what I can do I will go and explain the situation to God."
After half an hour out comes St. Peter followed by god who is wearing a leeds rhinos shirt.
"Right I heard what you have done with all the good causes what with giving away thirty quid to charity and I have come up with a solution" God said.
"What is it?" asked the scouser.
"Well, here is your thirty quid now p*ss off!"

Bloke walks into a bar with a tiger on a chain.
Walks up to the bar and asks the landlord 'do you serve scousers?'

Perplexed,the landlord replies 'Of course we serve scousers sir!'

At that the bloke says 'excellent,a pint for me and a scouser for the tiger'!!

Fantastic everyone. Made me LOL quite alot. Keep going!

What is the ideal weight of a Scouser?
About three pounds, including the urn.

What is the difference between a battery and an Scouser?
A battery has a positive side.

How many Scousers does it take to pave a driveway?
Depends how thin you slice them.

Whats the difference between spunk and a scouser?










Spunk works.

Scouser walks into the D.S.S. and says :-
"I've just been offered a Blow Job, If I take it will it affect my benefit claim?"
_____________________________________________________

Three men, a Scouser, a Yorkshirman and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Yorkshirman wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Yorkshirman, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"
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Why wasn't Jesus born in St Helens?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Last Christmas i ordered my very own St. Helens advent calendar, was a little disappointed when it came though - all the windows on it were boarded up.

just going away from the scouse scene but this tickled me


Old MacDonald had Tourettes...........Ee aye Ee aye tw*t