January 2009, Red Hall, HQ of the Rugby Football League

A meeting of the fixtures committee...

<direction>The Chair of the meeting stand to address the representative members from each superleague club

Chair : Just as we did last year Gentlemen I thought it best to invite Enid to the meeting to explain the play off system this year

<fx> ripple of applause and mutterings of "thank god for that" can be heard

<dir> An elderly lady in a pinny cautiously enters the room and glances around nervously, nodding to the members

Chair : You all know Enid don’t you Gentlemen, Enid who works in the canteen

<fx> mumblings of “Enid” as the members nod towards her, she smiles and nods back at them

Chair : As you know Gentlemen, with the play-off fixtures getting more and more complicated year on year its become increasingly difficult for us to follow who plays who week on week resulting in a claim on the rugby football league last season for a refund of bus fares from Castleford who had made a wasted trip to Warrington for their first round eliminator only to realise that they weren't actually in the play-offs at all last year.

Castleford Representative : It weren't our bloody fault

Chair : No-one is saying it was, we all know who sent the fax to you and we know the mistakes she made last year, it was understandable in her condition, hormones and suchlike, anyway she and her premature baby are doing just fine now and we've all moved on.

Castleford Rep : <mutters> We nivver got drivers tip refunded any road

Chair : <glares at Cas rep> Anyway, Enid has a few surprises up her pinny sleeve for us this year so why don’t we all give her good order and hear what she’s got to say, have you brought your diagram Enid

Enid : Yes love

<dir> Enid unrolls an eight foot length of old wallpaper on the reverse of which she has crayoned a complicated looking diagram involving many colours and arrows

<dir> The members lean forward to try and spot their own clubs as Enid sellotapes the wallpaper to a whiteboard in the corner

Enid : Well Gentlemen, after I’d finished doing the play offs last year I thought how I could have done it much better if we had more clubs, so I’ve gone for eight clubs this year

<fx> more murmuring, off camera we can hear the Castleford representative whisper to no-one in particular “At this bloody rate we’ll get a bloody game yet”

Enid : So it goes like this Gentlemen, at the end of the regular rounds the team in first place play a home fixture against the team who finished in fourth place

<dir> She pauses and looks all around the room as all the members stare back at her, fixated

Enid : Are you with me so far

Bradford Representative : Sorry Enid, can you say that again

Enid : Don’t worry, it won’t concern you, anyway, the second placed team plays the third placed team, are you still with me now

<dir> She once again looks long and hard around the room

Chair : Enid, Enid, can I ask you to stop pausing for us to catch up or we’ll be here all night, just run straight through it and we’ll take the diagram home tonight and study it.

Enid : Right, well the winners of these two week one fixtures, they go through to week three and here is my peace doo resistance, oh wait, I’ll save that for later, anyway the losers of these week one fixtures, they play again in week two, they get a second chance you see, you do see don’t you

Chair : Enid

Enid : Oh yes, carry on, anyway, so love, you see also in week one we have four more teams, that is the teams who finished fifth to eighth, and they play in two other games in week one and we call them something like “the ones who are jiggered if they lose”

Chair : The Elimination Games Enid

Enid : Yes, what he said, so fifth play eighth and sixth play seventh and whoever loses goes out of the competition right there, they’re jiggered see, jiggered, my Norman thought of that bit, are you sure you want to call it Elimina-whatsit ?

Chair : Week two Enid

Enid : So in week two we’ve got two of the ones who won in week one and two of the ones who lost in week one, that is the ones who lost were the ones who finished either first second third or fourth depending on which ones won and which ones lost in week one see, and the other two are the ones who won from the ones who were fifth, sixth, seventh, or eighth, now do you follow me ?

<dir> Pan around room at collection of stoney faces

Enid : So loves, then these four in week two, they play in two games and the losers are jiggered that week whoever they were, and the winners they go on to week three, see ?

<dir> Pan back around room, only one head is nodding and it is twitching rather than nodding

Chair : Have we reached week three then

Enid : Yes love, we’re just starting on week three

Chair : Is this the final then, how many teams have we in the final

Enid : No love, theres another week to go yet

Chair : Oh Christ, just a minute then, MAUREEN !

<dir> Maureen the Chairmans secretary appears at the door

Chair : Maureen, will you check for me which date I’ve booked Old Trafford for, I might have put us down for the wrong weekend

Enid : So now, on week three, heres my peace doo resistance, I thought of this on the bus on the way home last Friday, right we’ve got these three, sorry four teams right, and two of them came from week one and two of them came from week two right ?

<dir> one of the members rises and leaves the room mumbling something about needing a pint

Enid : So the ones who came from week one, that is the two teams who finished either first, second , third or fourth and who won their game in week one, the one out of them what finished the highest at the end of the league season, guess who they get to play ?

<dir> She looks around the room

Chair : Just tell us Enid please, its getting late

Enid : Whoever they bloody well like

<dir> She flings her arms open with a big smile and a paper hanky falls from the sleeve of her pinny

Enid : Whoever they bloody well like

<dir> She flings her arms open wide again in a flourish of triumph, still to a silent wall of confusion

Enid : Whoever they bloody

Chair : Yes, yes, yes, thank you Enid, now erm, I’m not sure what you mean by that, what do you mean by “whoever they bloody well like “ ?

Enid : I mean they get to pick who they play

<dir> Chairs scrape on the floor as three more members leave to murmuring s of “I’ve heard enough” and “She’s bloody mental”

Chair : <into his mobile phone> Get me a pint Arthur, won’t be long here now

Enid ; What do you think then ?

Chair : Enid love, are you still taking those hormone replacement tablets

Enid : No love, I’ve gone onto them plasters, like nicotine but hormones

Chair : Did the doctor say anything about not driving or using machinery while you were taking them

Enid : No I don’t think so

Chair : Well I think you should go back to him and explain about these little episodes you keep having, they’re going to lock you up one of these days.

Hey dont blame a woman for this mess!!!!


If it was a woman's decision, we would have shopping weekends in the middle of the playoffs!!

Two in one year??? That's what the magic weekend's for!!

Amen brother

I got bored about 1/3rd of the way down. Have i got it right in thinking in the end it's all a womans fault?